I had checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in.
It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up, you know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says, ....oh God, she sounded sexy!!
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like for you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. You name it, we'll do it. Bring anything you want."
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
Thursday, August 10, 2017
Wednesday, August 9, 2017
Ole Marries Lena, the Virgin
**NORWEGIAN VIRGIN WEDDING**
Olaf Swenson,out in his pasture in northern Minnesota ,took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch.
Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a Virgin -- in every vay."
The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can."
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together…quite an impressive work of art.
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth .
That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.
She said: "Olaf...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez."
Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at dis Lena ... still in DA CRATE!"
Tuesday, August 8, 2017
Chat with Grandpa
Makes Sense to Me
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."
Monday, August 7, 2017
Pregnant
A 25-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation. But, I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account."
"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."
"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"
All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, 'You'll fuck her again!
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation. But, I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account."
"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."
"However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?"
All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, 'You'll fuck her again!
Hahahaha I can hear it now..."CAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT" I know...I have a very warped sense of humor. 😜
Sunday, August 6, 2017
DNA Test
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks
kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the kid is actually from completely
different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you"
Husband: "What’s up?"
Wife: "According to DNA test results, this is not our kid."
Husband: "Well you don’t remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby
had pooped. Then you said: 'Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.'"
"So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one
there."
Moral...
Send a woman if you want it done right!
Saturday, August 5, 2017
Habits That Make Anxiety Worse
Unfortunately, anxiety disorders are the most common form of mental illness in the United States, affecting 40 million adults over the age of 18 (roughly 18% of the population). Anxiety costs more than $42 billion annually in mental health bills, which shows just how widespread and severe this disorder has become.
With so many people suffering from anxiety, it seems of utmost importance to find the triggers for this disorder, and how we can avoid them. What can we do to feel better? You’ll find the answers to this question in this article, as well as the actual habits that make anxiety worse, in general.
1. OVERTHINKING
Overthinking literally creates problems that don’t exist. Sometimes, they might actually exist, but dwelling on the problems will not provide answers. You will only make the problems worse, and therefore make your anxiety worse.
How to avoid it: If possible, have time set aside each day for ‘worrying.’ This might sound counterproductive to anxiety, but having a certain window of time allocated to overthinking will allow you to get out all your thoughts and feelings and move on. This way, you’ll have more energy throughout the day to devote to other things. You might also try a mindfulness practice such as meditation or yoga to help you quiet your thoughts.
2. OBSESSING
Just like overthinking, obsessing and fixating on issues does nothing to solve the actual problem. Though it is important to come to a solution, you won’t get there by overanalyzing. We spend so much time in today’s world solving problems and using critical thinking and obsessing over answers. What if we just escaped all of that obsessive behavior and just lived? In order to overcome anxiety, you need to find a quiet place in your mind and delve into it often.
How to avoid it: Basically, just let the thoughts flow through you, but don’t attach yourself to them. Only focus on the things you can change, and forget about the things you can’t. If something doesn’t feel right in your life, either release it or confront the problem directly in order to find peace of mind.
3. EXPECTATIONS
Many people with anxiety have a great fear of the unknown. They want to have expectations for everything, so it makes the future seem less scary. People with anxiety can sometimes have unreasonable expectations, and when they aren’t met, this makes the anxiety worse. Expectations usually lead to disappointments, so stop trying to predict the future. Usually, life happens much differently than we expect, and trying to foresee events in the future will only lead to greater anxiety when the event doesn’t actually happen. Not to mention, you’ll obsess over the perceived event until it actually happens, making it impossible to live in the present.
How to avoid it: Focus on living in the now. Make your life so exceptional that you have no time to worry about the future. Make your life your greatest joy, so that those pesky expectations don’t come back to haunt you later. You create your reality, so make it what you want rather than expecting things to just come your way.
4. AVOIDANCE
Avoiding anxiety might seem like the answer, but in reality, this just makes anxiety worse. You’ll have to deal with the repressed emotions later, and in much greater magnitude. Getting help for your disorder and recognizing that you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Avoidance can also be thought of in a different way – that of avoiding what scares us so that we don’t have to deal with the consequences. However, this will not encourage growth, and avoiding what brings you fear will only magnify it in your mind.
How to avoid it: First of all, you need to accept that you have anxiety. Then, you should work on getting help, in whatever way you see fit. Don’t just wait for someone to help you; sometimes, you have to take matters into your own hands if you want to move forward in life. Also, don’t avoid situations, people, or places just because they seem scary. Confront your fears head on, and this will make them shrink once you see that your mind created this fear based on perceptions, not reality.
5. DENIAL
Similar to avoidance, denial will also wreak havoc on your anxiety. You can’t just go through life with your head in the sand and not confront your issues head on. If you choose to take this route, you’ll have to fight a much more powerful beast later on, so taming your demons now will serve you well.
How to avoid it: Stop denying your anxiety, and gently accept that you might need help. Don’t beat yourself up over it, however; we all have issues, and we’ve all needed help at certain times in our lives. Once you accept that anxiety does control your life to some extent, you can go about overcoming it.
6. RELYING TOO HEAVILY ON MEDICATIONS
Of course, medication should never be totally ruled out for treatment, but when you use medication as the only source of relief from anxiety, you’re cheating yourself out of true healing and recovery. You see, we all have the power within to heal, but we just have to access it. Medication can help to some extent, but other forms of healing have been shown to be just as, if not more, effective.
For example, take this ground-breaking study published in The Journal of the American Medical Association(JAMA). The researchers found that mindfulness meditation can provide just as much relief for anxiety and depression as antidepressants do. So, why subject yourself to all the toxins and harmful side effects when you can heal naturally without the side effects?
How to avoid it: Only you can choose how you want to overcome, or at least manage, anxiety, but at least open your mind to alternative ways of healing. Meditation, yoga, working out, hiking, arts and crafts, connecting with others, nature, eating whole foods, getting enough sleep, living a low-stress lifestyle, and working on positive thinking are some of the many healing modalities you could choose from.
7. HELPLESSNESS
When anxiety grips you so tightly and you can’t seem to escape its wrath, giving up can seem like a viable option. You feel helpless to make any change, and don’t know where to turn. It’s quite easy to get lost inside the mind and let it totally take you over, but just remember that everyone must hit rock bottom to truly appreciate life and make a change. Anxiety can make you feel helpless, like you have no control over your body or mind, but just remember that you DO have a say in how you feel. You CAN make a change, with perseverance, support, and willingness.
How to avoid it: When you feel helpless, try to go into a meditation practice or just become mindful of your body. Remember that you have a beating heart, and you came here for a reason. Don’t ever let your mind convince you that you can’t make it here, because you certainly can, with a bit of faith and effort.
8. TRYING TO CONTROL EVERYTHING
Another bad habit that anxiety often causes is trying to control every aspect of life. People with anxiety usually fear the unknown, so they try to control whatever they can so they don’t feel so helpless and powerless. However, trying to control everything will make life very regimented, tense, and unenjoyable. Even though the unknown can seem scary, there’s something to be said about the anticipation and excitement of not knowing what will come next.
How to avoid it: Remember that you can’t possibly control everything in life. Try to focus on only the things you can control, so that it won’t appear that life actually controls YOU.
9. USING FOOD, DRUGS, OR ALCOHOL TO BURY FEELINGS
Using a substance outside of ourselves in order to get temporary relief will never lead to long-term healing. Food, drugs, and alcohol can provide temporary happiness, but it won’t compare to what you can feel by going within yourself. By releasing all those demons and learning to live in the moment, you can free yourself WITHOUT using harmful substances.
How to avoid it: When you feel the urge to self-medicate, or binge on food, use that moment as a valuable learning experience. Truly examine your feelings, and ask if your body, mind, or spirit will really feel better by absorbing the energies from these substances. If the answer is no, then ask yourself what other activities you enjoy that you can do to manage anxiety. Maybe you enjoy biking, hiking, drawing, or catching up with friends. You can ALWAYS make a choice to do better for yourself, but you just have to make yourself a priority.
10. PERFECTIONISM
So, just like trying to control everything, perfectionism will only lead to unhappiness and frustration down the road. After all, if life were perfect, we wouldn’t have so many problems to begin with. In other words, life will never reach perfection, so just accept the beauty you find in the imperfections.
How to avoid it: Create your own happiness, and don’t beat yourself up when you fail or when you try to control things outside yourself. You’ll have to gradually let go of perfectionism, but it will serve you well in the long run.
With so many people suffering from anxiety, it seems of utmost importance to find the triggers for this disorder, and how we can avoid them. What can we do to feel better? You’ll find the answers to this question in this article, as well as the actual habits that make anxiety worse, in general.
10 HABITS THAT MAKE ANXIETY WORSE
(AND HOW TO AVOID HAVING THEM)
1. OVERTHINKING
Overthinking literally creates problems that don’t exist. Sometimes, they might actually exist, but dwelling on the problems will not provide answers. You will only make the problems worse, and therefore make your anxiety worse.
How to avoid it: If possible, have time set aside each day for ‘worrying.’ This might sound counterproductive to anxiety, but having a certain window of time allocated to overthinking will allow you to get out all your thoughts and feelings and move on. This way, you’ll have more energy throughout the day to devote to other things. You might also try a mindfulness practice such as meditation or yoga to help you quiet your thoughts.
2. OBSESSING
Just like overthinking, obsessing and fixating on issues does nothing to solve the actual problem. Though it is important to come to a solution, you won’t get there by overanalyzing. We spend so much time in today’s world solving problems and using critical thinking and obsessing over answers. What if we just escaped all of that obsessive behavior and just lived? In order to overcome anxiety, you need to find a quiet place in your mind and delve into it often.
How to avoid it: Basically, just let the thoughts flow through you, but don’t attach yourself to them. Only focus on the things you can change, and forget about the things you can’t. If something doesn’t feel right in your life, either release it or confront the problem directly in order to find peace of mind.
3. EXPECTATIONS
Many people with anxiety have a great fear of the unknown. They want to have expectations for everything, so it makes the future seem less scary. People with anxiety can sometimes have unreasonable expectations, and when they aren’t met, this makes the anxiety worse. Expectations usually lead to disappointments, so stop trying to predict the future. Usually, life happens much differently than we expect, and trying to foresee events in the future will only lead to greater anxiety when the event doesn’t actually happen. Not to mention, you’ll obsess over the perceived event until it actually happens, making it impossible to live in the present.
How to avoid it: Focus on living in the now. Make your life so exceptional that you have no time to worry about the future. Make your life your greatest joy, so that those pesky expectations don’t come back to haunt you later. You create your reality, so make it what you want rather than expecting things to just come your way.
4. AVOIDANCE
Avoiding anxiety might seem like the answer, but in reality, this just makes anxiety worse. You’ll have to deal with the repressed emotions later, and in much greater magnitude. Getting help for your disorder and recognizing that you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Avoidance can also be thought of in a different way – that of avoiding what scares us so that we don’t have to deal with the consequences. However, this will not encourage growth, and avoiding what brings you fear will only magnify it in your mind.
How to avoid it: First of all, you need to accept that you have anxiety. Then, you should work on getting help, in whatever way you see fit. Don’t just wait for someone to help you; sometimes, you have to take matters into your own hands if you want to move forward in life. Also, don’t avoid situations, people, or places just because they seem scary. Confront your fears head on, and this will make them shrink once you see that your mind created this fear based on perceptions, not reality.
5. DENIAL
Similar to avoidance, denial will also wreak havoc on your anxiety. You can’t just go through life with your head in the sand and not confront your issues head on. If you choose to take this route, you’ll have to fight a much more powerful beast later on, so taming your demons now will serve you well.
How to avoid it: Stop denying your anxiety, and gently accept that you might need help. Don’t beat yourself up over it, however; we all have issues, and we’ve all needed help at certain times in our lives. Once you accept that anxiety does control your life to some extent, you can go about overcoming it.
6. RELYING TOO HEAVILY ON MEDICATIONS
Of course, medication should never be totally ruled out for treatment, but when you use medication as the only source of relief from anxiety, you’re cheating yourself out of true healing and recovery. You see, we all have the power within to heal, but we just have to access it. Medication can help to some extent, but other forms of healing have been shown to be just as, if not more, effective.
For example, take this ground-breaking study published in The Journal of the American Medical Association(JAMA). The researchers found that mindfulness meditation can provide just as much relief for anxiety and depression as antidepressants do. So, why subject yourself to all the toxins and harmful side effects when you can heal naturally without the side effects?
How to avoid it: Only you can choose how you want to overcome, or at least manage, anxiety, but at least open your mind to alternative ways of healing. Meditation, yoga, working out, hiking, arts and crafts, connecting with others, nature, eating whole foods, getting enough sleep, living a low-stress lifestyle, and working on positive thinking are some of the many healing modalities you could choose from.
7. HELPLESSNESS
When anxiety grips you so tightly and you can’t seem to escape its wrath, giving up can seem like a viable option. You feel helpless to make any change, and don’t know where to turn. It’s quite easy to get lost inside the mind and let it totally take you over, but just remember that everyone must hit rock bottom to truly appreciate life and make a change. Anxiety can make you feel helpless, like you have no control over your body or mind, but just remember that you DO have a say in how you feel. You CAN make a change, with perseverance, support, and willingness.
How to avoid it: When you feel helpless, try to go into a meditation practice or just become mindful of your body. Remember that you have a beating heart, and you came here for a reason. Don’t ever let your mind convince you that you can’t make it here, because you certainly can, with a bit of faith and effort.
8. TRYING TO CONTROL EVERYTHING
Another bad habit that anxiety often causes is trying to control every aspect of life. People with anxiety usually fear the unknown, so they try to control whatever they can so they don’t feel so helpless and powerless. However, trying to control everything will make life very regimented, tense, and unenjoyable. Even though the unknown can seem scary, there’s something to be said about the anticipation and excitement of not knowing what will come next.
How to avoid it: Remember that you can’t possibly control everything in life. Try to focus on only the things you can control, so that it won’t appear that life actually controls YOU.
9. USING FOOD, DRUGS, OR ALCOHOL TO BURY FEELINGS
Using a substance outside of ourselves in order to get temporary relief will never lead to long-term healing. Food, drugs, and alcohol can provide temporary happiness, but it won’t compare to what you can feel by going within yourself. By releasing all those demons and learning to live in the moment, you can free yourself WITHOUT using harmful substances.
How to avoid it: When you feel the urge to self-medicate, or binge on food, use that moment as a valuable learning experience. Truly examine your feelings, and ask if your body, mind, or spirit will really feel better by absorbing the energies from these substances. If the answer is no, then ask yourself what other activities you enjoy that you can do to manage anxiety. Maybe you enjoy biking, hiking, drawing, or catching up with friends. You can ALWAYS make a choice to do better for yourself, but you just have to make yourself a priority.
10. PERFECTIONISM
So, just like trying to control everything, perfectionism will only lead to unhappiness and frustration down the road. After all, if life were perfect, we wouldn’t have so many problems to begin with. In other words, life will never reach perfection, so just accept the beauty you find in the imperfections.
How to avoid it: Create your own happiness, and don’t beat yourself up when you fail or when you try to control things outside yourself. You’ll have to gradually let go of perfectionism, but it will serve you well in the long run.
Things to Remember When You Have Negative Thoughts
Here's the YouTube link if you can't get the video to play.
Courtesy of Power of Positivity
Friday, August 4, 2017
Thursday, August 3, 2017
Wives...
Here are some fun oldies...have previously shared a few but thought they were a good collection. Enjoy! 🙂
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.
She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That s wonderful.
I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."
She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?" "Oh, she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."
Special Package deal for Businessmen
An Airline introduced a special package for Business men.
Buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free.
After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip.
All of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"
New SIM to Surprise Her Husband
Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:
"Hello Darling."
The husband responds in a low tone:
"Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen.
Throwing Knives at Wife's Picture
Husband was throwing knives at his wife's picture.
All the knives were missing the target!
Suddenly he received a call from her "Hi, what are you doing?"
His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."
Habit of Talking in Sleep
A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?
Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.
Natural Disasters Just Happen
Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how to choose a wife.
Natural disasters just happen.
Your Husband Needs Rest
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.
She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That s wonderful.
I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."
She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?" "Oh, she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."
Special Package deal for Businessmen
An Airline introduced a special package for Business men.
Buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free.
After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how was the trip.
All of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"
New SIM to Surprise Her Husband
Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:
"Hello Darling."
The husband responds in a low tone:
"Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen.
Throwing Knives at Wife's Picture
Husband was throwing knives at his wife's picture.
All the knives were missing the target!
Suddenly he received a call from her "Hi, what are you doing?"
His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."
Habit of Talking in Sleep
A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?
Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.
Natural Disasters Just Happen
Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how to choose a wife.
Natural disasters just happen.
Your Husband Needs Rest
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!
Wednesday, August 2, 2017
Tuesday, August 1, 2017
Southern Boys vs Northern Boys
One morning three South Alabama 'good old boys' and three Yankees were in a ticket line at the Atlanta train station heading to Athens, GA for a big football game.
The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as
the three Southerners bought just one ticket among them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on one
ticket?" asked one of the Yankees.
"Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from
the South.
When the six travelers boarded the train, the three Yankees
sat down, but the three Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed
the door.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around
to collect tickets. He knocked on the bathroom door and said, "Ticket please."
The door opened just a crack, and a single arm emerged with
a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.
The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever
idea.
Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on
the return trip and save some money.
That evening after the game, when they got to the train
station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip, while to their astonishment
the three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?"
asked one of the perplexed Yankees.
"Watch and learn", answered one of the Southern
boys.
When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed
themselves into a bathroom, and the three Southerners crammed themselves into
the other bathroom across from it.
Shortly after the train began to move, one of the
Southerners left their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankees'
bathroom. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket please".
There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the
South lost the Civil War.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)