Such a Sensitive Man

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
 
They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
 
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
 

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side! 
 
She turns to him, invitingly…they kiss…and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.
 
After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?" 
 
The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

Courtesy of Babamail

Introducing the New Doctor

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
 
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." 
 
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" 
 
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" 
 
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick." 
 


"Hmmm," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house." 
 

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. 
 
"I'm feeling terribly run down lately." 
 
"You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." 
 
As they left, the elder doc said, your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it? 
 
"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

Courtesy of BabaMail

Never Lie To Your Rabbi

At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, "Irving, I need a favor - I'm sleeping with the rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in temple for an hour after services for me?"


Irving not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

After services, he struck up a conversation with the rabbi asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied.


After some time, the wise rabbi became suspicious and asked, "Irving what are you really up to with all this?"

Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the rabbi "I'm sorry Rabbi, my friend Morris is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied."


The wise rabbi smiled and, putting a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder, said "Irving I think you'd better hurry home—my wife died two years ago!"

Oops!

Petrol Pump Wisdom

Words of wisdom for one and all...

A Johannesburg, South Africa filling station has become quite a landmark in Gauteng with its daily #PetrolPumpWisdom – uplifting quotes written on a chalkboard.

Some motorists say they deliberately travel this route just to read the quote which brightens their day!!

Here's a selection:


 

The lady behind this wonderful initiative at Hutton Hyde Park is Alison Billett.

She told SA People: "We inherited the board from the previous owner, Dick Hutton, when we bought the filling station from him almost 20 years ago."

"We continued the tradition and it has become a landmark – more so now that it's on social media!"



"Not a day goes by when I don't get a call or a visit from someone to tell me how much they appreciate the message – it seems that every day there's something that just speaks to what is going on in someone's life and that inspires or motivates them."
 


 
"Having people come and tell me their stories and how the quote helped them in some small way is what motivates me to keep writing!"

"We use a variety of quotations – some are topical, some are funny, some are inspirational,
some even reflect what is going on in my life that day!"

"Different things appeal to different people…"
 

 
 
"The boards were spotted by a motivational speaker from the UK, Geoff Ramm, when he was driving by one day and he was so taken by them he included a piece about them in his book!"

 
"The boards have appeared many times in newspapers and magazines and been spoken about on radio stations all over the world. 9GAG has re-tweeted them a few times too!"

Bob 95 FM in the USA recently posted Alison's "Rest in Peace" quote which has now been shared over a quarter of a million times around the world!"

Conversation on the Bus

Two guys are riding to work on the bus.


They both see two dogs going at it on a lawn. One guy, who's married, looks at the other and says, "Geez, I'd give anything to do it to my wife like that."
 
The other, a single guy, says, "Heck, that's easy. Just feed her three martinis."
 

The same two guys are riding the bus to work the next morning.

The single one asks the other, "Well, did you get her to do it?"
 

The married guy replies, "Yes, but it took SIX martinis."
🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸
 

"Six martinis! How come so many?"
 

"Hell, it took three just to get her out on the lawn."
🍸🍸🍸

I’ve Learned

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Yea!!!!
 
I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
 
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
 
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they are gone from your life.
 
I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a life.
 
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
 
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
 
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
 
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. .
 
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. 👍👍

Adult

 

Kinky...

 

 

Misc Oops

 

School Field Trip

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses, but mostly to see the horses.



When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.



The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one.



As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th grade."



"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help. 😄