want to be a movie star

A good looking gentleman walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." 
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name!  The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name.  Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!  I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it!  I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER….
The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.  Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000.  The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000?  He reads the letter enclosed…

Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.  Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.  You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said.  I decided you were right.  I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. 

I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke

Taste of Your Medicine

Bacon

Turn Around

Click the following link if you can't get the video to play:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7NGaUZcT9Lw

Chocolate

Two

Splain That To Me

The little boy had been looking out of Southwest Airlines plane window on a flight from Orlando to JFK when he turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother couldn't think of an answer She told her son to ask the flight attendant.


The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The boy replied, "Yes, she did."


"Well", said the flight attendant, "tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.

Have your mother explain that to you ."

1955 Giggle

Comments made in the year 1955! 

I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $10.00.

Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?

It won't be long before $1,000.00 will only buy a used one.

If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit; 20 cents a pack is ridiculous.

Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter?

If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.


When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost more than 20 cents a gallon.
Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.
I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century.

They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.

Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball?
It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.

I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.
They're even making electric typewriters now.

It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.
It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.

I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.

Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes.
I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.

The fast food restaurant is convenient for a quick meal, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.
There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a motel.

No one can afford to be sick anymore. At $15.00 a day in the hospital, it's too rich for my blood.

Ten Lines

Received the following in an email and found them very inspirational…hope you do also.

PRAYER is not a "spare wheel" that YOU PULL OUT when IN trouble, but it is a "STEERING WHEEL" that DIRECTS the RIGHT PATH THROUGHOUT LIFE.

Why is a CAR'S WINDSHIELD so LARGE the REAR VIEW MIRROR so small? BECAUSE our PAST is NOT as IMPORTANT as OUR FUTURE. So, LOOK AHEAD and MOVE ON.

FRIENDSHIP is like a BOOK. It takes a FEW SECONDS to BURN, but it TAKES YEARS to WRITE.

All THINGS in LIFE are TEMPORARY. If they are GOING WELL, ENJOY them, they WILL NOT LAST FOREVER. If they are going wrong, don't WORRY, THEY CAN'T LAST LONG EITHER.

Old FRIENDS are GOLD! NEW friends are DIAMONDS! If you GET a DIAMOND, DON'T FORGET the GOLD! To HOLD a DIAMOND, you ALWAYS NEED a BASE of GOLD!

Often when WE LOSE HOPE and THINK this is the END, GOD SMILES from ABOVE and SAYS, "RELAX, SWEETHEART; it's JUST a BEND, NOT THE END!"

When GOD SOLVES your PROBLEMS, you HAVE FAITH in HIS ABILITIES; when GOD DOESN'T SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS, HE has FAITH in YOUR ABILITIES.

A BLIND PERSON asked GOD: "CAN THERE be ANYTHING WORSE THAN LOSING EYE SIGHT?" HE REPLIED: "YES, LOSING YOUR VISION!"

When YOU PRAY for OTHERS, GOD LISTENS to YOU and BLESSES THEM, and SOMETIMES, when you are SAFE and HAPPY, REMEMBER that SOMEONE has PRAYED for YOU.

WORRYING does NOT TAKE AWAY TOMORROW'S TROUBLES; IT TAKES AWAY today's PEACE.

Tax Filing

A woman walks into a CPA's office and tells him that she needs to file her tax return.

The CPA says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

 
He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?"

“I'm a Lady of the night," she says.

 
The CPA is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "Ok, I'm a high-end call girl."

 
"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

 
The CPA asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"


"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

 
The CPA says, "Chicken farmer it is."