Veteran’s Day 2015

My deepest gratitude, respect, and admiration to all who have or are now serving in the Armed Forces and their families.

These men and women are the truest heroes that the world has.

I am very proud to have the liberties that we have today, because of those that have or are now fighting to protect my freedom.

To my family, Thank You!
Grandpa (WWII - Merchant Marine), Uncle (WWII - US Navy ), Dad (Korea - US Air Force), Brother (Vietnam - US Air Force), Son (US Marine - stateside), Cousin (currently serving aboard US Naval Ship)

Short and Sweet

Houston Police Call
Two policemen call the station on the radio.

"Hello. Is that you Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here.  A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No sir.  The floor is still wet."

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United Air
A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight nervously announced about 30 minutes outbound from LA, "I don't know how this happened but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners."

When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight."

Her next announcement came an hour later, "If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!"

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Global Facts About Sex
At Any Given Moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 person is reading this post.

You hang in there, Sunshine...

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The Water Cure
A woman went to her Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

"Doctor, I don't know what to do.  Every day my husband seems to lose his
temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Physician replied, "Fortunately, I've a cure for your husband! When it appears that he is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start to swish it in your mouth.  Just swish 'n swish, but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman returned to her Doctor, looking fresh and unstressed.

She said: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water.  I swished 'n swished, and he calmed right down!  How does a glass of water do that?"

Her Doctor responded: "The water itself does nothing. Keeping your mouth shut is what does the trick."

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Quick On His Feet

Meredith’s Jack over at New Twist, After All These Years is at it again.  Hope you enjoy!
 
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
 
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
 
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

 
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of lettuce."  As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
 
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.  Later, the manager said to the boy...
 
"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier; we like people who can think on their feet here.  Where are you from son?"
 
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
 
"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.
 
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."
 
"Is that right?" replied the manager.  "My wife is from New Zealand!"
 
 
"Really?"  replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"

Puppies for Sale

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell.  He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups, and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. 

As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt tug on his overalls.  He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.  "Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."

"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat of the back of his neck, "these puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money." 

The boy dropped his head for a moment.  Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.  "I've got Two dollars & thirty cents. Is that enough to take a look?"

"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle.  "Here Dolly!" he called. 

Out from the doghouse and down ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.

The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence.  His eyes danced with delight.  As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.

Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller.  Down the ramp it slid.  Then in a awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up...
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.

The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers.  In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.  Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.

"How much?" asked the little boy.

"No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."

Night on the Town

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.
After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager:  “Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.  These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them.  They won't know the difference.”

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says,
“You know, I think my girl was dead!”
“Dead?” says his friend, “Why do you say that?”
“Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.”

His friend says, “Could be worse I think mine was a witch.”
“A witch? Why the hell would you say that?”
“Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window...took my teeth with her!”

Odd Food

Below are some of the MOST ODD Food Combinations!!

Fritos With Caramel

 

Spaghetti Sandwich

 

Mayonnaise and Banana Sandwich

 

Fries In A Frosty

 

Potato Chips And Nutella

 

Steak Pops

A round piece of steak slathered in barbecue sauce, sprinkled with sprinkles.

 

Cupcake Filled Sausage

Sausage casing is filled with cupcake batter and then baked.

 

Hot Dog With Mac N Cheese

 

Glaze Donut With Egg, Bacon, and Sausage

 

Jelly Toast With Cheese

 

Meat Shot Glasses

Just as the title suggest...

Courtesy of Randomly Funny Stuff

Who thinks of these things?  Do any of them sound good to you?

Nude Beach

Hey y’all…by the time you’re reading this, I will be out of town…don’t worry…I have posts scheduled to go up while I’m gone.  Oh and I won’t be visiting your blogs while I’m gone…it’s a business trip and I will only have my company laptop with me. Really don’t think I want to visit blogland on that computer!    

---

 A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. 

As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."


The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad.

His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.


Shortly after, the boy returned again. 

He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

Husband Thinks He’s Funny

Here’s another giggle shared by our Sunny over at Aimless Ramblings

One evening a Husband, thinking he was funny said to his wife, ‘Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in ‘Slim Fast’.  Maybe it would take a few inches off of your behind!

His wife was not amused and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.


The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ‘What the Heck is this?’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out.
 
‘April’, he yelled into the bathroom, ‘Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?’

She replied with a snicker. ‘It’s not talcum powder; it’s ‘Miracle Grow’!

Name your Boat

Here’s another one from Meredith’s Jack over at New Twist, After All These Years.  Hope you enjoy!
 
For all the boaters and for those of us whom wish we were...

These people must have sat up all night with beers in hand, trying to come up with JUST the right name...




























































































Sorry, I HAVE NO MOOR !

Cheers

Top Ten One Liners

1. Escalators don’t break down…they just turn into stairs.

2. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing…except when you’re at a funeral.

3. I intend to live forever…or die trying.

4. We never knew he was a drunk…until he showed up to work sober.

5. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

6. A blind man walks into a bar…And a table, and a chair.

7. At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?

8. Want to hear a pizza joke…nah, it’s too cheesy.  What about a construction joke?  Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one.  Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it.  Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair?  Never mind, it’s too lame.

9. I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.

10. I childproofed the house…but they still get in!