GPS

Still my preferred method!  Oh and don't ever tell me to head North or turn West, etc.

Your Life

Not Allowed

 

Below Par IQs

ACTUAL CALLS RECEIVED AT A PUBLIC GOLF COURSE   

Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:    What are your green fees?

Staff:     38 dollars.

Caller:   Does that include golf?

Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:    Yes, I need to get some information from you First, is this your correct phone number?

Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:    Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday.  

               What's the weather going to be like that day?

Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:    Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I'm  running late. Can you still get me out early?

Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:    Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?

Staff:      You mean a driving range?

Caller:    No, that's not it.

Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:    Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o'clock and noon.

Staff:      Between 12 o'clock and noon?

Caller:    Yes.

Staff:      We'll try to squeeze you in.

Staff:      Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:    Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?

Staff:      Yes, we have one at 10:15.

Caller:    What's the next time after that?

Staff:      We have one at 10:22.

Caller:    We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer  

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:   How much to play golf today?

Staff:     25 to walk, 38 with a cart.

Caller:   38 dollars?

Staff:     No, 38 yen.

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:   What do you have for tee times tomorrow?

Staff:     What time would you like?

Caller:   What times do you have?

Staff:     What time of the day?

Caller:   Any time.

Staff:     Morning or afternoon?

Caller:   Whenever.

Staff:     We have 16 times open in the morning and 20  open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?

Caller:   No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:   Do you have a dress code?

Staff:     Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.

Caller:   How about clothes?

Staff:     Yes, you have to wear clothes.

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:   Yes, do you have a driving range there?

Staff:     Yes.

Caller:   How much for a bucket of large balls?

Staff:   Sorry, we're all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:   Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?

Staff:     Sure, what time would you  like?

Caller:   Something between 9 o'clock and 10 o'clock. In the morning, if possible.

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:   Do you rent golf clubs there?

Staff:     Yes, they're 25 dollars.

Caller:   How much to rent a bag?

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:   Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and  told me he's on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:   Yes, do you have a driving range there?

Staff:     Yes.

Caller:   How much for a large bucket?

Staff:     Four dollars.

Caller:   Does that include the balls?

Staff:     Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:   Do you have a twilight rate?

Staff:     Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.

Caller:   And what time does that start?

Staff:     Golf course, may I help  you?

Caller:   Yes, I'd like some info about your golf course.

Staff:     OK, what would you like to know?

Caller:   I don't know, that's why I called.

Staff:    Golf course, may I help you?

Caller:  My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and  said they stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy  them back?

Church Notice

Here's an excellent giggle from Meredith's Jack. Hope you enjoy!

This notice can now be found in all French churches:

En entrant dans cette église, il est possible que vous entendiez l'appel de Dieu.

Par contre, il n’est pas susceptible de vous contacter par téléphone.

Merci d'avoir éteint votre téléphone.

Si vous souhaitez parler à Dieu, entrez, choisissez un endroit tranquille et parle lui.

Si vous souhaitez le voir, envoyez-lui un SMS en conduisant.

 

Translation:

It is possible that on entering this church, you may hear the Call of God.

On the other hand, it is not likely that He will contact you by phone.

Thank you for turning off your phone.

If you would like to talk to God, come in, choose a quiet place, and talk to Him

If you would like to see Him, send Him a text while driving.