Shopping Carts

  

Be Careful Out There

Your Feelings

Laundry

 

Doctor's Visit

Here's a very funny giggle from our lovely Ami. Hope you enjoy!

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The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

The doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the wife.

He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed. He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough.

Finally he said, "Ok, good. You can get dressed now, and I will go talk to your husband".

The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection either."

Worst Lies

The worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves. The worst verbal abuse comes from our own tongue.

The most negative influence is the devil on our own shoulder. The cruelest judge is the one staring back in the mirror.

The person really withholding the love you need is you. No one will ever out-do you at playing mind-games. You must stop doing this to yourself!

The universe is calling you to heal, not to agonize over your mistakes. Quit overthinking; this is what surrendering really means.

Don’t focus on negativity and don’t even obsess about “fixing” things or yourself. Don’t force “positive thinking.” These things can be psychological irritants. Just leave yourself alone! When you pick at things they never heal.

Just relax and give yourself some time.

— Bryant McGill

For more clarity you can read in context here: http://bryantmcgill.com/20150405144859.html
(This passage is from the “Simple Reminders” book, but I post all my writings freely as a gift for those who cannot afford them. If these writings have benefited you, please kindly leave a review at bryantmcgill.com/sr-amazon)

Zen Teachings

 Hope you enjoy theses Zen Teachings from Meredith's Jack.

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1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just sod off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no food.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse ... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Bad Parrot

Here's an oldie I've shared before but couldn't resist when our lovely Ami sent it to me. Hope you enjoy!

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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed..

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did? “

Coast Guard Style Fishing

Here’s a fun giggle from Meredith's Jack…hope you enjoy!!!

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The rain had stopped and there was a large puddle just outside the door to the American Legion hall. A rumpled old Coast Guard Chief was standing near the edge with a fishing line in the puddle. 
 
A curious young Marine fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.
 
"Fishing," the old Chief simply said. 
 
"Poor old chief," the Marine officer thought to himself and invited the old Coast Guard Chief into the bar for a drink.
 
As he felt he should start a conversation while they were sipping their spirits, the young jet pilot winked at another pilot and asked the Chief, "How many have you caught today?"
 
 
"You're number 14," the old Chief answered, taking another sip from his double shot of 12-year-old Scotch, "2 Air Force, 3 Army, 1 Navy and 8 Marines." 

Smile FIght Love

What Do You Want to Be?

Therapy

Guess I shoulda stuck with chocolate...

Music

Spitting

Dare Ya

Think I'll pass...

Mother Nature

Painful Moments

And So...

 

Visit to a Brothel

I’ve shared this giggle before but when Meredith's Jack sent it, I just had to share it again.  Hope you enjoy!

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The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late fifties

"May I help you sir?"  she asked.

The man replied,  "I want to see Valerie.”

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie.”

Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out $5,000 and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.


 
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back 2 nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000.”

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. 

After an hour, he left.


 
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

 
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me 3 nights in a row”. Where are you from?”

The man replied, "New Brunswick.”

"Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick.”

"I know." the man said. "Your aunt died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.”

 
The moral of this story is that 3 things in life are certain:
1  Death
2.  Taxes; and
3.  Being screwed by a lawyer.

Pansy

Survive the Week

One of Those Weeks!

FYI

Permission

In...

The Phone

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary.  So he decided to buy her a cell phone.  He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.
 
Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
 
The next day Meg went shopping.  Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.
 
"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
 
Meg replied, "I just love it!  It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though."
 
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
 
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

Stop Apologizing

Irish Humor

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.  
 
Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
 
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.


Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

AVOCADOS

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.



A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk"



He replied, "They had avocados."



If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.



My work is done here.

Dragon Needed

Oh and BTW...