Sex Story

A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex:
 
Husband: "Sukitaki. mojitaka!"
 
Wife replies: "Kowanini! mowi janakpa!"
 
Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"
 
Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"
 
Husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!"
 
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this – is this actually Japanese?  If so, do you even know how to read Japanese?
 

All y’all will read anything as long as it’s about sex…you need serious help!!!
 

Sometimes I worry about you.

An Englishman in France

Study the picture first and then read the story.

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.


The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking.


With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and quite a few glasses of single malt thereafter.


Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.


The Englishman answers with humour. No sir, I do not!


But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving...on the other side?  

Husbands

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!  There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.  The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but…

she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
 
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

10 Things Every Woman Wants to Say to Their Gynaecologist

A friend shared this on Facebook today and it was so funny, I had to share it there and here also! Hope you enjoy!



We found this brilliant list over at one of our new favourite blogs  scarymommy.com and because we’ve all been there, we just had to share.  How many of these things have you wanted to say?

1. Can we skip the weigh in? I’m bloated twenty days out of every month. I don’t need three glaring numbers reminding me to skip Burger King on the way home.  Can we do a visual estimation and call it good?  She looks larger than last time but is not quite ready for a Richard Simmons intervention works for me.
 
2. Where’s the panty coat rack? Just once, I’d love to enter an examination room and see a place to store/hang my coat (and other clothing) while being poked and prodded examined.  I’m tired of hiding my panties under my jeans that are rolled into a wad and stuck on a chair that thirty other naked women have already sat in that day.
 
3. The last day of my last period? You’re so funny!  I can’t remember what I ate for breakfast. The date of my last period?  Approximately one month to you better hurry up and get this examination done days ago.
 
4. Can we kill the fluorescent lights?  Know what destroys a girl’s self-esteem faster than JLo walking into a room?  Fluorescent mothereffing lighting. There’s a miner’s spotlight on your forehead.  Is more necessary?
 
5. Do you have something a little bigger than a tissue paper doily that I can cover with?  I’m not two.  I weigh more than 50 pounds.  And I’m definitely taller than three feet six inches.  I require an actual full-size blanket or throw and preferably one not made from gift bag filling.  Could I borrow that fabric room divider?
 
6. If I could SEE the straps, I’d definitely put my ankles in there. You’re lying on your back (without pillows) trying to focus on anything but what’s happening down south when dear ole’ doc says, “Could you put your ankles in the stirrups?”  Seriously, dude?  I just got comfortable, found an interesting piece of torn ceiling plaster to focus on (it’s shaped like Florida), and you’re asking me to find the straps?  Pamper a girl.  Put her ankles in there for her.  It will feel like a day at the spa.
 
7. Yes, I can slide down more, but honestly, I don’t want my ass to land on your feet.  Positioning yourself on a gynecological examination table is like landing a Boeing 747 at a small jetport.  The clearance is limited and you have to inch your way to near disaster.  There’s also the moment of feeling like a total idiot when you ask, “Is that far enough?” (Shit. Too far.)
 
8. D’FUQ?!  That’s cold!  From his (or her) hands to the stretch-a-hoo-ha nut cracker looking contraption, every damn thing used down there feels like it just came out of a freezer.  Can we get a warming tray, perhaps? And a glass of wine?
 
9. You’ve tunneled to China through my vagina!  Yeah, it hurts a little.  I understand that doctors are obligated to ask these types of questions.  I totally get that empathy is part of the job.  But we’re all adults.  Let’s assume that it hurts and ask on a scale of one to ten how much—one being the headache my toddler gives me after screaming for twenty minutes and ten being just after my husband stubs his toe.
 
10. Excuse me. Where are my parting gifts?  Hello, SWAG bag?  Do I get ANYTHING after enduring that type of poking?  A visit to the dentist scores us a new toothbrush. The eye doctor sends us packing with free contact lenses.  What do we get after a visit to the gynecologist?  A big, fat nothing.  Even a George Clooney sticker would be nice.  Or a discount coupon for laser hair removal.
H/T: scarymommy.com

Courtesy of daily hiit

How many of these are true for you?

When Insults Had Class

These outstanding insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to four letter words:
 
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
 
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
 
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
 
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."- Clarence Darrow
 
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
 
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
 
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
 
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
 
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
 "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
 
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
 
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."- John Bright
 
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
 
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." –Samuel Johnson
 
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."- Paul Keating
 
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
 
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."- Forrest Tucker
 
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
 
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
 
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
 
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination."- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
 
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
 
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

Extra Money

Courtesy of read-laugh

Oops!

Alien Sex

A human couple and an alien couple are having dinner when the discussion inevitably comes to sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" Asks the Earth woman.

"Pretty much the same as you guys do," reply the aliens.


Eventually they decide to swap partners and the human woman leads the alien male to her bedroom. To her shock when he undresses she sees he has a tiny member.


"What on Earth could you do with that?!" she asks, "it's tiny!"

"Not a problem," he replies as he slaps his head, and with each slap it becomes longer and longer.


"That's amazing!" she gasps, "but it's still pretty thin..."

Without saying a word he starts pulling his ears, and with each pull it grows thicker and thicker and the two have the most incredible sex of their lives.


Afterwards her husband asks, "how was it?"


"I hate to say it," his wife replies, "but it was pretty incredible. How was it for you?"


"Weird," he says, "all night long she was slapping my head and yanking my ears."

Kick Again…

A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” says the little boy.
His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any breakfast.
 
Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one.

He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
 

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
 

“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.  I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.  I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.”
 

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.


The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”     

King Arthur and the Old Ugly Woman

Another joke from our darlin’ Ami over at Ami's Starsong. 
 
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
 
The question?...What do women really want?  Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
 
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
 
Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the answer.
 
But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
 
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
 
The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
 
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
 
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
 
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
 
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus:
 
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
 
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
 
And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.
 
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
 
The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
 
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
 
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
 
What would YOU do?
 
What Lancelot chose is below.
 
 
BUT...make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.
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READY?
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Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
 
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
 
Now...what is the moral to this story?
The moral is...
 
If you don't let a woman have her own way...
 
Things are going to get f*cking ugly.

Signs, Signs, Everywhere a Sign

Hmmm…Nancy must be persistent.

 

Always blame it on the Moose.

And how is that working for you?

 

 Wonder just how they catch you if you’re not parked.

“OUCH!” 

 




Well shucky darn!

Beware of 600 pound anything!

And we really need a sign for this?

  So many ways this can go so wrong!

  
 
 
Seriously?










 

  Ummm…I’m confused.

 
 
Really makes me want to eat in that cafeteria!







 

How about toes?

 





Make sure you do not hit 16 now!

  And just who gets the honors?

 

????????????????

How about sitting picnics?

 




 Well darn the bad luck...and that is just what I was gonna do!

Be very careful!

Elevators are so dangerous without a lifeguard!

What else is the sign for?

No comment…

Oops! Too late!

Are ya training them to explode or not explode?

Courtesy of the Chive