I Grieved...

Other Side of Fence

Ice Cream

Person I am Today

How Do Court Stenographers Keep A Straight Face?

Have posted quite a few of the following before but couldn't resist sharing again when Meredith's Jack sent them. Hope you enjoy!

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down .published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________ __

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

______________________________ __

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

______________________________ __

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

______________________________ __

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his

sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

______________________________ __

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.

______________________________ __

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

______________________________ __

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

______________________________ __

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

______________________________ __

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

______________________________ __

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

______________________________ __

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________ __

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

______________________________ __

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?

WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________ __

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

______________________________ __

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________ __

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Never Fails

Scottish Golf Story

Hope you enjoy this giggle from Meredith's Jack!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy Shawn, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.  After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible downpour so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry." John said.  "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared so they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney.  It took him a few minutes to figure it out but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good looking widow on the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”

"Yes, I do." said Shawn.

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes." Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name and address instead of telling her your name?"

Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy I'm afraid I did.  Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you? You know you smiled... Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!!!.

Today

Educate Him?

Here's a fun giggle from our very own Baker

Maybe they haven't figured out what causes the condition yet...   😀

Little Firefighter

Know When

What's New

For those of you who don't understand the reference...

Click here if you can't view the video.

Relationship

But, I'm only...

 

Are You Actually a Cat?

Father's Day 2018