Responses to Use With Telemarketers

I have used a few of these.

Smiles

 

Hysterical Laws

50 Hysterical Laws in America, One from Each State…
 

ALABAMA: You can’t wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.

ALASKA: It’s against the law to wake bears for the purposes of taking a picture.

ARIZONA: It’s illegal to drive a car in reverse.

ARKANSAS: You’re not allowed to pronounce Arkansas incorrectly.

CALIFORNIA: You will be fined if you detonate a nuclear device.

COLORADO: People must not dress unbecoming of their sex.

CONNECTICUT: Scrabble is not to be played while politicians are giving an oration.

DELAWARE: You may not marry on a dare.

FLORIDA: Women who kill themselves by electrocution in a bathtub with a “self-beautification utensil” will be fined.

GEORGIA: You can’t keep ice cream in your back pocket on Sundays.

HAWAII: Everyone is required to own a boat.

IDAHO: Motorists or pedestrians may not scowl or grimace.

ILLINOIS: Midget tossing is illegal in bars, but is legal in other parts of the city if you have a permit.

INDIANA: Everyone is required to work on a public road six days a year.

IOWA: One-armed piano players must perform for free.

KANSAS: If two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.

KENTUCKY: It’s required that you register all nude people in your home.

LOUISIANA: It is an assault for a person wearing false teeth to bite someone.

MAINE: You can’t buy a car on Sunday unless it has plumbing.

MARYLAND: One cannot spit on the sidewalk.

MASSACHUSETTS: The sexual position “woman on top” is illegal.

MICHIGAN: It’s against the law to have sex in a car unless it’s parked on your own property.

MINNESOTA: You must list your date of death on tax forms.

MISSISSIPPI: A man must not seduce a woman by promising her marriage.

MISSOURI: Single men between 18 and 50 must pay a $1 tax.

MONTANA: Seven or more Indians are considered a raiding or war party… and you can shoot them. (Today, we call that racism…)

NEBRASKA: It’s illegal to go whale fishing within the state.

NEVADA: A man can’t buy drinks for more than three people at a time.

NEW HAMPSHIRE: It’s illegal to show a movie before 2 pm.

NEW JERSEY: One cannot sell cabbage on Sundays.

NEW MEXICO: Idiots may not vote. Nor may insane people.

NEW YORK: You may not stick your thumb to your nose and wiggle your fingers at someone.

NORTH CAROLINA: Bingo games cannot last more than 5 hours.

NORTH DAKOTA: Beer and pretzels cannot be served at the same time.

OHIO: One cannot kill a housefly within 160 feet of a church.

OKLAHOMA: It’s illegal to make funny faces at dogs.

OREGON: Canned corn is not to be used as fishing bait.

PENNSYLVANIA: It’s a crime to tell a fortune-teller where to dig for buried treasure.

RHODE ISLAND: Lunacy is grounds for divorce.

SOUTH CAROLINA: You have to be at least 18 to play a pinball machine.

SOUTH DAKOTA: You can’t sleep in a cheese factory.

TENNESSEE: Crimes against nature are illegal.

TEXAS: Criminals must notify their victims 24 hours in advance of the nature of their crimes yet to be committed.

UTAH: Husbands are responsible for their wives’ criminal behavior in their presence.

VERMONT: Margarine must be served in triangle patties.

VIRGINIA: The chicken labor lobby has set the egg laying workday between the hours of 8:00 a.m. and 4:00 p.m.

WASHINGTON: All lollipops are banned.

WEST VIRGINIA: Roadkill may be taken home for dinner.

WISCONSIN: It’s illegal to serve margarine to prisoners.

WYOMING: It’s against the law to have sex while standing up in a walk-in meat freezer.
 

Courtesy of Young Cons

Life After Pregnancy

Famous Proverbs

25 Famous Proverbs, as Told by a Class of First Graders.
A first grade teacher presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the second half. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight and humor may surprise you.
 
1. You can lead a horse to water but…

………………………………………how?

 
 
2. Strike while the…

………………………………………bug is close.

 
 
3. It’s always darkest before…

………………………………………Daylight Saving Time.

 
 
4. Never underestimate the power of…

………………………………………termites.

 
 
5. Don’t change horses…

………………………………………until they stop.

 
 
6. Don’t bite the hand that…

………………………………………looks dirty.

 
 
7. No news is…

………………………………………impossible.

 
 
8. A miss is as good as a…

………………………………………Mister.

 
 
9. You can’t teach an old dog new…

………………………………………math.

 
 
10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll…

………………………………………stink in the morning.

 
 
11. Love all, trust…

………………………………………me.

 
 
12. The pen is mightier than the…

………………………………………pigs.

 
 
13. An idle mind is…

………………………………………the best way to relax.

 
 
14. Where there’s smoke there’s…

………………………………………pollution.

 
 
15. Happy the bride who…

………………………………………gets all the presents.

 
 
16. A penny saved is…

………………………………………not much.

 
 
17. Two’s company, three’s…

………………………………………the Musketeers.

 
 
18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what…

………………………………………you put on to go to bed.

 
 
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and…

………………………………………you have to blow your nose.

 
 
20. There are none so blind as…

………………………………………Stevie Wonder.

 
 
21. Children should be seen and not…

………………………………………spanked or grounded.

 
 
22. If at first you don’t succeed…

………………………………………get new batteries.

 
 
23. You get out of something only what you…

………………………………………see in the picture on the box.

 
 
24. When the blind lead the blind…

………………………………………get out of the way.

 
And the best for last…
 
25. Better late than…

………………………………………pregnant.

 

Courtesy of  ViralSlot
 

Redneck Love Poem

Meredith’s Jack over at New Twist, After All These Years is at it again and sent one of the best giggles I’ve seen for a while.  Hope you enjoy as much as I did! 



Thank you Jack!

19 Crazy Facts Barely Anyone Knows About

Some facts are just too wild to make up! These are definitely those.

 

1. Caligula once ordered his troops to go to war with the sea.

He made troops return with seashells as plunder of war against Neptune.

 
2. There are 169,518,829,100,544,000,000,000,000,000 ways to play the first ten moves of any chess game.



That’s more than 169 OCTILLION ways.

 
3. Clear Coca-Cola was created for The USSR in the 1940s.

Because Coca-Cola was regarded in the Soviet Union as a symbol of American imperialism, at least one Marshal requested a clear version of the drink. A chemist satisfied the request by removing the soda’s caramel color and the company put the drink in a clear bottle with a white cap and a red star and sent 50 cases to Russia.

 
4. A kid born in Sweden in 1991 was named Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116. His parents said it was pronounced "Albin."

The name was meant to protest Swedish naming laws. The parents were fined 5,000 kronor in 1996 (roughly 740 U.S. Dollars).

 
5. In 1518 a "dancing plague" led to deaths in Stasbourg.

A woman began to dance in the street for four to six days in July of 1518. She was eventually joined by about 400 dancers. It’s not clear exactly how many people died, but some definitely died from heart attack, stroke or exhaustion.

 
6. 7,000 deaths occur each year because of doctors' sloppy handwriting.

 

7. April 4, June 6, October 10 and December 12 will all fall on the same day of the week in any year.
These days are called doomsdays, and they are meant to help calculate the day of the week of any given date. In 2014 the doomsdays are all on Fridays. 2015 doomsdays are all on Saturday.

 
8. Marilyn Monroe had a higher IQ than Albert Einstein.

Monroe's IQ was 163, 3 points higher than Einstein.

 
9. Greece's national anthem has 158 stanzas.

 

10. Harry S. Truman's middle name was just S.

According to Truman, the S as his middle name was a compromise of his two grandfathers, Anderson Shipp Truman and Solomon Young.

 
11. Adolf Hitler was named Time Magazine's Man of the Year and was Nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.
Hitler was Man of the Year in 1938 and was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize in 1939. World War II began in 1939.

 
12. Honey will never spoil.

Because of its low levels of moisture and high acidity, you could theoretically eat ancient honey.

 
13. Some people believe an episode of the Cartoon Network show Johnny Bravo predicted 9/11.

In a scene from Johnny Bravo that aired on April 27, 2001, a movie poster shows a burning tower with a smoke cloud with the words “COMING SOON.”

 
14. Las Vegas casinos don't have any clocks in them.



It’s a way to make you lose track of time and keep gambling.


15. Male mice sing love songs for female mice.

The songs they sing are ultrasonic, and humans are unable to hear them.

 
16. Polar bear liver contains a toxic amount of vitamin A.
It’s toxic to humans, and would most likely kill you if you ate it.

 
17. The world's quietest room is -9 decibels. It's so quiet, you can hear your blood flowing in your own body!

The silence of the room can cause hallucinations, and the longest anyone has ever spent in the room is 45 minutes. For reference, normal conversation is usually about 60 decibels.

 
18. The sweat from a man's underarm can help women relax, boost their mood and help regulate their menstrual cycle, if applied to her lips.

 

19. The universe's official color is "Cosmic Latte"

2 astronomers from Johns Hopkins surveyed the spectral range of color of all light in the universe, examining more than 200,000 galaxies before proclaiming the official color the beige like color.

Courtesy of OMG Facts

Distinction Between Guts and Balls

Here’s an awesome giggle from our Meredith’s Jack over at New Twist, After All These Years. 
 
Distinction Between Guts and Balls…As in that guy really has guts or he really has balls.
 

There is a distinction between Guts and Balls.  We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
 

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions: 

GUTS  - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 

'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

 

BALLS  - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say:

'You're next, Chubby.'

 

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. 
 

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome... 
 

Both result in death.

Remarry

Woman Gives Best Reply Ever To Husband’s Wish Of Remarrying.
This Is Awesome!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

Now, I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman.  It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great?

They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

A Love Story

Here’s another one from our Meredith’s Jack over at New Twist, After All These Years.  It's an oldie and I have seen different variations of it over the years but still grin every time I see it.  Thanks Jack!

A SPAGHETTI LOVE  STORY

For  several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.  Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.  He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.


One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 

'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.


The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.