Better Late Than Never

There were 2 old-maid sisters, both virgins.  

It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin.  I'm going out and I'm not coming home until I've been laid!!"

 
Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."

 
10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys...11 o'clock...12 o'clock...

 
Finally, at about 1:15 the front door flies open.  


In runs Gladys...straight to the bathroom.

 
Betty knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys?"

 
No answer...


So she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

 
"What is it, Gladys?  What's wrong?" asks Betty.


 
"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in and 5 when it came out.  When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"  ~X®
 

Courtesy of  Randomly Funny $tuff

Heimlich Maneuver

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.  While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.


Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
 

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swallar?”

The woman shakes her head no. 
 

Then he asks, “Kin ya breathe?”

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
 

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
 

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
 

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
 

His partner says, “Ya know, I'd heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!”

 

Friends

Hugs and Blessings,
Cat

Miscellaneous Giggles

When asked by a young patrol officer:
"Do You know you were speeding?"

The 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated:

"Yes , but ..... I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."

The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.

Makes perfectly good sense to me!

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"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding all the items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

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A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. 

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, that was an insect."

To which her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dick that big." ~X®

Courtesy of  Randomly Funny $tuff

Whatever Life Gives…

Letter to Hillbilly Son

Dearest Son
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice.  It even has a washing machine.  I'm not sure about it.  I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.  We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit, she put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week.  Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned.  We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.  Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.  Your other two friends were in the back.  They drowned because they couldn't get he tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.  Nothing much out of the normal has happened.


Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom

Wrong E-Mail Address

This one is priceless. 

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!


A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. 

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.


Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.


Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. 

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.


The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: March 21, 2012

 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

 I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

 P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!

ROFLMBO!

The Ostrich!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.  The waitress asks them for their orders.  The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" 
 
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
 
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please."
 
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.


The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again.


"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
 
"Same," says the ostrich.
 
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. 

When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right.  Whether it's a liter of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.


The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"


The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say..."


Be careful how you ‘word’ your wishes.

We're Under Attack!

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Enjoy!  

Unsupervised

In other words…