Tuesday, July 31, 2018
Monday, July 30, 2018
Sunday, July 29, 2018
Saturday, July 28, 2018
Friday, July 27, 2018
Thursday, July 26, 2018
Wednesday, July 25, 2018
Tuesday, July 24, 2018
What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by
circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann
listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives
know the things that are important to each other.”
He then addressed the men, “Can you name and describe your
wife's favorite flower?”
Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold
Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”
And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.
Monday, July 23, 2018
Sunday, July 22, 2018
Saturday, July 21, 2018
Friday, July 20, 2018
Thursday, July 19, 2018
Wednesday, July 18, 2018
Tuesday, July 17, 2018
Monday, July 16, 2018
Men Are Just Happy People!
Have previously posted the following but couldn't resist sharing again when Meredith's Jack sent this. Hope you enjoy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This needs
no explanation - and is a fun read, no matter your gender.
Men Are
Just Happier People!
What do you
expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all
yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another
snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water
park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car
mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive
to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't
have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add
character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare
at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or
mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30
seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day
vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get
extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to
invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a
three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have
strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for
years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can
play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for
all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You
can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice
concerning growing a mustache... You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder
men are happier!
NICKNAMES
If
Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate
and Sarah.
If
Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat
Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
EATING
OUT
When
the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's
only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will
actually admit they want change back.
When the
girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A
man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A
woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A
man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average
number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337 A man would not be able
to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A
woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything
a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A
woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A
man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
A
woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A
man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING
UP
A
woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer
the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A
man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men
wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women
somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah,
children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments
and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A
man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT
FOR THE DAY
A married
man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering
the same thing!
So, send
this to the women who have a sense of humor …. and to the men who will enjoy
reading.
Sunday, July 15, 2018
Who Let These Folks Out?
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate
agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't
want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, "Does the sun rise in
the North?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and
has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with
that stuff"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.
One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center
was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day,7 days
a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore.
She drove down in a
convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was
moving.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it’s designed to
cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the
cases were discounted 10%.
Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.
The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a
nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, "Wouldn't the
chain rip out every time she turned her head?"
I explained that a person's
nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is
turned.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I
went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has
your plane arrived yet?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a
small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would
like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time before
responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to
eat 6."
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