Showing posts with label Legal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Legal. Show all posts
Sunday, August 25, 2019
Tuesday, September 11, 2018
New Brain
A
lawyer went to the brain store to get some new brains.
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store.
So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for doctor brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?!"
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store.
So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for doctor brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?!"
Thursday, April 12, 2018
Visit to a Brothel
I’ve shared this giggle before but when Meredith's Jack sent it, I just had to share it again. Hope you enjoy!
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Valerie.”
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Valerie.”
Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out $5,000 and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back 2 nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000.”
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me 3 nights in a row”. Where are you from?”
The man replied, "New Brunswick.”
"Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick.”
"I know." the man said. "Your aunt died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.”
The moral of this story is that 3 things in life are certain:
1 Death
2. Taxes; and
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late fifties"May I help you sir?" she asked.
The man replied, "I want to see Valerie.”
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Valerie.”
Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out $5,000 and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back 2 nights in a row as she was too expensive.
"There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000.”
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me 3 nights in a row”. Where are you from?”
The man replied, "New Brunswick.”
"Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick.”
"I know." the man said. "Your aunt died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.”
The moral of this story is that 3 things in life are certain:
1 Death
2. Taxes; and
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.
Thursday, September 21, 2017
Loopholes...
Here’s a short but very good giggle from our Meredith's Jack…
Two well-dressed lawyers went to an expensive restaurant…ordered 2 coffees and then took out sandwiches from their briefcases to eat.
Waitress: Sorry Sir!! But you can't eat your OWN food here...it’s against the rules.
The lawyers quietly looked at each other and EXCHANGED their sandwiches and continued their meals!!!
You can trust lawyers to find loopholes in any rules…
Two well-dressed lawyers went to an expensive restaurant…ordered 2 coffees and then took out sandwiches from their briefcases to eat.
Waitress: Sorry Sir!! But you can't eat your OWN food here...it’s against the rules.
The lawyers quietly looked at each other and EXCHANGED their sandwiches and continued their meals!!!
You can trust lawyers to find loopholes in any rules…
Sunday, July 9, 2017
Sunday, June 4, 2017
Library Conversation
Another very funny giggle from Meredith's Jack,…
A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library. He asked a girl in a university library:
Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... . . THAT'S ROBBERY!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy then whispered in her ear: "I study law: I know how to screw people."
A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library. He asked a girl in a university library:
Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ... . . THAT'S ROBBERY!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy then whispered in her ear: "I study law: I know how to screw people."
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
The Request
Meredith’s Jack over at New Twist, After All These Years hasn’t sent a giggle for a while so was very happy to get this very funny one. 
Hope you enjoy!
An old priest lay dying.
He sent a message for an Australian Tax Office collector and his Lawyer to come to the hospital.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.
As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything.
Both the tax collector and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments.
They were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come here?”
The old priest mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go.”
Hope you enjoy! An old priest lay dying.
He sent a message for an Australian Tax Office collector and his Lawyer to come to the hospital.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.
As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything.
Both the tax collector and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments.
They were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come here?”
The old priest mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go.”
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Sunday, January 24, 2016
Strolling Along
No one believes seniors, everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money–fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. “Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
Sally said, “No.”
Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday.”
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, “We’re out of here.”
An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money–fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. “Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
Sally said, “No.”
Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday.”
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, “We’re out of here.”
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Tough Day
An attorney arrived home late one night, after a very tough day trying to get his client a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed, and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him: 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And she carried on and on in this tone.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a stiff drink and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks of his wife as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged that night.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, back toward her, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him: 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And she carried on and on in this tone.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a stiff drink and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks of his wife as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged that night.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, back toward her, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'
Saturday, October 17, 2015
Monday, September 21, 2015
A Can of Peaches
Meredith’s Jack over at New Twist, After All These Years is at it again. Hope you enjoy!
A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.
She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, "Just one stupid can of peaches."
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"
The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail…one day for each peach."
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, "Yes sir, do you have something to add?"
The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."
Uh Oh! He’d better pray the judge locks her up and throws away the key.
A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.
She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, "Just one stupid can of peaches."
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"
The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail…one day for each peach."
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, "Yes sir, do you have something to add?"
The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."
Uh Oh! He’d better pray the judge locks her up and throws away the key.
Friday, August 14, 2015
Assault on a Tech
I’m taking this as a warning since I’m due to have my yearly mammogram next month and saving up bail money…just in case.
Monday, August 10, 2015
Money Back Guarantee
Here’s another joke courtesy of our darlin’ Ami over at Ami's Starsong.
An Indian Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside:
An Indian Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside:
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic...
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Indian: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh... this is kerosene."
Indian: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Indian: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh... this is kerosene."
Indian: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money...
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Indian: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Indian: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Indian: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Indian: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Indian: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Indian: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Indian: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Indian: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
You can't beat Indians!!
Sunday, June 29, 2014
I Am Not a Scholar!
The following is another excerpt from the book called Disorder in the American Courts.
Question: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
Answer: "I swear by Almighty God."
Question: "That the evidence that I give..."
Answer: That's right.
Question: Repeat it.
Answer: "Repeat it".
Question: No! Repeat what I said.
Answer: What you said when?
Question: "That the evidence that I give..."
Answer: "That the evidence that I give."
Question: "Shall be the truth and..."
Answer: It will, and nothing but the truth!
Question: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
Answer: I'm not a scholar, you know.
Question: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
Answer: "Shall be the truth and."
Question: Say: "Nothing...".
Answer: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
Question: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
Answer: Yes.
Question: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
Answer: Yes.
Question: Well? Do so.
Answer: You're confusing me.
Question: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
Answer: Okay. I understand.
Question: Then say it.
Answer: What?
Question: "Nothing but the truth..."
Answer: But I do! That's just it.
Question: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
Answer: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
Question: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".
Answer: What? You mean, like, now?
Question: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
Answer: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
Question: Thank you.
Answer: I'm just not a scholar.
Question: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
Answer: "I swear by Almighty God."
Question: "That the evidence that I give..."
Answer: That's right.
Question: Repeat it.
Answer: "Repeat it".
Question: No! Repeat what I said.
Answer: What you said when?
Question: "That the evidence that I give..."
Answer: "That the evidence that I give."
Question: "Shall be the truth and..."
Answer: It will, and nothing but the truth!
Question: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
Answer: I'm not a scholar, you know.
Question: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
Answer: "Shall be the truth and."
Question: Say: "Nothing...".
Answer: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
Question: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
Answer: Yes.
Question: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
Answer: Yes.
Question: Well? Do so.
Answer: You're confusing me.
Question: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
Answer: Okay. I understand.
Question: Then say it.
Answer: What?
Question: "Nothing but the truth..."
Answer: But I do! That's just it.
Question: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
Answer: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
Question: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".
Answer: What? You mean, like, now?
Question: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
Answer: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
Question: Thank you.
Answer: I'm just not a scholar.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
More Disorder in the Courts
The following is another excerpt from the book called Disorder in the American Courts.
Question: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
Answer: I did.
Question: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
Answer: I did.
Question: And did you observe anything?
Answer: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
Question: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
Answer: I saw George.
Question: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
Answer: Yes.
Question: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
Answer: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
Question: Well, would you kindly do so?
Answer: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
Question: His "thing"?
Answer: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
Question: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
Answer: Yes.
Question: Did you say anything to him?
Answer: Of course I did!
Question: What did you say to him?
Answer: Morning, George...
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Disorder in the Court
The following are some excerpts from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters. These poor court reports suffered the ordeal of remaining composed while recording the following exchanges:
Question: How far from the accident were you when it happened?
Answer: He replied "36 feet, 2 and a quarter inches"
Question: Nonsense. How can you be so precise?
Answer: Well I knew some bloody fool would ask me so I measured it.
Question: What is your date of birth?
Answer: July fifteenth.
Question: What year?
Answer: Every year.
Question: Could you see him from where you were standing?
Answer: I could see his head.
Question: And where was his head?
Answer: Just above his shoulders.
Question: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
Answer: The victim lived.
Question: How old is your son - the one living with you.
Answer: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Question: How long has he lived with you?
Answer: Forty-five years.
Question: And where was the location of the accident?
Answer: Approximately milepost 499.
Question: And where is milepost 499?
Answer: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Question: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Answer: Yes.
Question: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
Answer: Yes, sir.
Question: What did she say?
Answer: What disco am I at?
Question: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
Answer: That's me.
Question: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Question: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Question: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
Answer: I'll be three months on November 8.
Question: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
Answer: Yes.
Question: What were you doing at that time?
Question: How many times have you committed suicide?
Answer: Four times.
Question: Did he kill you?
Question: You don't know what it was and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Question: Have you lived in this town all your life?
Answer: Not yet.
Question: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
Question: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
Answer: I refuse to answer that question.
Question: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
Answer: I refuse to answer that question.
Question: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
Answer: No.
Question: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
Answer: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Question: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
Answer: Yes sir.
Question: Before or after he died?
Question: And you check your radar unit frequently?
Officer-Answer: "Yes, I do."
Question: And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?
Answer: Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly.
Question: What happened then?
Answer: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Question: Did he kill you?
Answer: No.
Question: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--
Answer: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.
Question: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Question: So you were gone until you returned?
Question: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Answer: Yes.
Question: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Question: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Answer: No.
Question: Did you check for blood pressure?
Answer: No.
Question: Did you check for breathing?
Answer: No.
Question: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Answer: No.
Question: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Answer: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Question: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Answer: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Question: You were not shot in the fracas?
Answer: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Question: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
Answer: There were traces of semen.
Question: Male semen?
Answer: That's the only kind I know of.
Question: So, after the anesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
Answer: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Question: It was covered?
Answer: Yes. Bandaged.
Question: Then, later on, what did you see?
Answer: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed.
Question: How far away he was from the accident.
Answer: The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."
Question: What? How come you are so sure of that distance?
Answer: Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!
Question: How far from the accident were you when it happened?
Answer: He replied "36 feet, 2 and a quarter inches"
Question: Nonsense. How can you be so precise?
Answer: Well I knew some bloody fool would ask me so I measured it.
Question: What is your date of birth?
Answer: July fifteenth.
Question: What year?
Answer: Every year.
Question: Could you see him from where you were standing?
Answer: I could see his head.
Question: And where was his head?
Answer: Just above his shoulders.
Question: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
Answer: The victim lived.
Question: How old is your son - the one living with you.
Answer: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Question: How long has he lived with you?
Answer: Forty-five years.
Question: And where was the location of the accident?
Answer: Approximately milepost 499.
Question: And where is milepost 499?
Answer: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Question: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Answer: Yes.
Question: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
Answer: Yes, sir.
Question: What did she say?
Answer: What disco am I at?
Question: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
Answer: That's me.
Question: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Question: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Question: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
Answer: I'll be three months on November 8.
Question: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
Answer: Yes.
Question: What were you doing at that time?
Question: How many times have you committed suicide?
Answer: Four times.
Question: Did he kill you?
Question: You don't know what it was and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Question: Have you lived in this town all your life?
Answer: Not yet.
Question: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
Question: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
Answer: I refuse to answer that question.
Question: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
Answer: I refuse to answer that question.
Question: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
Answer: No.
Question: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
Answer: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Question: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
Answer: Yes sir.
Question: Before or after he died?
Question: And you check your radar unit frequently?
Officer-Answer: "Yes, I do."
Question: And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?
Answer: Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly.
Question: What happened then?
Answer: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Question: Did he kill you?
Answer: No.
Question: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--
Answer: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.
Question: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Question: So you were gone until you returned?
Question: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Answer: Yes.
Question: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Question: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Answer: No.
Question: Did you check for blood pressure?
Answer: No.
Question: Did you check for breathing?
Answer: No.
Question: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Answer: No.
Question: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Answer: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Question: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Answer: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Question: You were not shot in the fracas?
Answer: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Question: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
Answer: There were traces of semen.
Question: Male semen?
Answer: That's the only kind I know of.
Question: So, after the anesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
Answer: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Question: It was covered?
Answer: Yes. Bandaged.
Question: Then, later on, what did you see?
Answer: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed.
Question: How far away he was from the accident.
Answer: The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."
Question: What? How come you are so sure of that distance?
Answer: Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!
Monday, April 21, 2014
The Hammer
In an Irish Courtroom, the judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry Your Honor, but for 15 years I've lived next door to that guy and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry Your Honor, but for 15 years I've lived next door to that guy and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one!"
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Funny Laws
Corsets Not Allowed!
Merryville, Missouri prohibits women from wearing corsets. Why you may ask? The law states, "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male." Oh really? And of course, her “rights” or even “wishes” are not important.
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a mother and her daughter at the same time. Seems like they need to plan alternate date nights!
Ewwww
In Michigan, a law is on the books that threatens five years of imprisonment for any man who seduces and corrupts an unmarried girl. Something tells us this one doesn't get prosecuted all that often. Think the key is “seduces AND corrupts” so even if she is seduced…ya gotta prove she wasn’t previously corrupted.
In Willowdale, Oregon it is illegal for a man to curse during sex. No more naughty name calling! Oops!
In Mississippi, an act of "unnatural intercourse," if both parties voluntarily consent, can result in a maximum prison sentence of 10 years and fine of $10,000. Godspeed to whoever learns exactly what kind of intercourse Mississippi constitutes to be "unnatural." Yup…would definitely be interested in hearing their definition of “unnatural.”
In Fairbanks, Alaska, even the moose are not allowed to have sex in the streets! When two moose love each other very much... Did anyone inform the moose of this law? And just how is it enforced? Arrest that moose!
Some of these might be duplicates as these float around in emails but they are still funny.
Hope you enjoy!
Merryville, Missouri prohibits women from wearing corsets. Why you may ask? The law states, "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male." Oh really? And of course, her “rights” or even “wishes” are not important.
No Marriage for Me!
In Cali, Columbia it is a law for the bride's mother to be in the room to witness the act of sex on her wedding night. Mom in the room is definitely not a turn on. Good luck with that! Oh yes…I am sure that this is such a turn on for the bride and groom!Sex With Satan!
It is a law in Bakersfield, California that you must wear a condom when having sex with Satan. Apparently the spawn of Satan isn't welcome in Bakersfield! Can’t quite decide if they are saying Satan is gay or a female.Alternating Between Family Members
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a mother and her daughter at the same time. Seems like they need to plan alternate date nights!
Ewwww
Masturbation Can Result In Death!
In Indonesia it is illegal to masturbate and it is punishable by decapitation. How are the Indonesian masturbation police going to know? Do you report yourself? Better make sure all doors are locked and curtains closed tightly!Nevada Has a Tough Stance on Condoms
It is illegal to have sex without a condom in Nevada. Way to promote safe sex! As with so many of these laws, how are they gonna know?Wedding Day
In Oblong, Illinois it is illegal to make love while you are hunting or fishing on your wedding day. Better rethink that honeymoon camping trip! Alrighty then…Lips Off
In Florida, there is a law on the books that says a man may not kiss his wife's breasts. The Florida law that makes having sexual relations with a porcupine illegal is understandable...but no lip love for breasts? Come on, Florida! I really do have to wonder what was behind this law being written!
Art of Seduction
In Michigan, a law is on the books that threatens five years of imprisonment for any man who seduces and corrupts an unmarried girl. Something tells us this one doesn't get prosecuted all that often. Think the key is “seduces AND corrupts” so even if she is seduced…ya gotta prove she wasn’t previously corrupted.
Missionary or Miss Out
In North Carolina, the only acceptable sex position is missionary, and you may only engage in missionary-style sex when the shades are pulled. OMG…got a feeling that every single person in blog land has broken this law if they have been in North Carolina! LOLIf You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say...
In Willowdale, Oregon it is illegal for a man to curse during sex. No more naughty name calling! Oops!
Getting Unnatural in Mississippi
In Mississippi, an act of "unnatural intercourse," if both parties voluntarily consent, can result in a maximum prison sentence of 10 years and fine of $10,000. Godspeed to whoever learns exactly what kind of intercourse Mississippi constitutes to be "unnatural." Yup…would definitely be interested in hearing their definition of “unnatural.”
Turn Off That Meter
In Massachusetts, taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts. So…they could make love in the front seat of their taxi before or after their shifts?I Now Pronounce You Moose & Moose
In Fairbanks, Alaska, even the moose are not allowed to have sex in the streets! When two moose love each other very much... Did anyone inform the moose of this law? And just how is it enforced? Arrest that moose!
Courtesy of gizmopod.com
Some of these might be duplicates as these float around in emails but they are still funny.
Hope you enjoy!
Friday, January 3, 2014
Funny French Laws
And you thought that only the US had odd laws!
1. You Can Legally Marry a Dead Person
I can imagine your reactions already:
Wait, what?!
Um, gross...
That's... I... but... why?
Score! Time to move to France.
Okay, not so much the last one. But it's true! It is legal to marry a dead person in France. But they have some stipulations, of course! The couple has to have been engaged prior to the person's death, with obvious intent to go through with the wedding.
At least the corpse isn't getting married against his/her will, right?
2. No Jerry Lewis Masks For You
If you're planning a big Jerry Lewis-themed masquerade ball in Cannes, France, you might want to find a new theme!
Don't you know that wearing Jerry Lewis masks is illegal there? I know how common these parties are, but unless you want to pay a large fine, either cancel the shindig or find another location. Don't say we didn't warn you!
3. Hey There, Dollface
In France, it is illegal to sell dolls without human faces. That means your E.T. doll is illegal, my friend! Come on, though. Let's be serious. Do any dolls actually look human?
4. Onions Get the Right of Way
If you're walking along the street in Paris and you come upon a man carrying onions, get out of the way!
Onion-carrying garçons always get the right of way!
So I guess if you really want to get somewhere in a hurry, grab a pile of onions to speed up your trip!
5. Illegal For Women To Wear Trousers
In these modern times, you might think that most progressive societies have accepted that women like to wear pants. But in Paris, it is still illegal for women to wear trousers!
They have a few exceptions, like:
6. Illegal To Kiss on Railways
You know those adorable photos of people kissing on railroad tracks?
Well, you shouldn't try to have that photo shoot in France!
It is illegal to kiss on railways there.
This actually seems like a pretty practical law.
Would you want to be run over by a train because you were too busy sucking face to pay attention?
I think not!
7. Illegal To Take Photos of Police Officers
In Antibes, it is 100% illegal to take pictures of police officers or their vehicles.
If you're the type of person who hates to be photographed, this could be a strategic career move! It would be pretty cool to arrest people for going against your wishes, eh?
8. Pigs Named Napoleon
If you decide to live in France and buy a pet pig, make sure to abide by this important law:
Whatever you do, don't name it Napoleon!
If you do, you'll be breaking the law.
Why not stick with a more traditional name, like Gordy or Babe?
9. French Music on the Radio
If you're listening to the radio in France between the hours of 8am-8pm, don't expect to hear very much American music.
Why?
Because according to law, 70% of music played on the radio during those hours has to be performed by French artists.
10. Breathalyzer Tests
If you thought American DUI laws were harsh, just wait until you hear about this French law!
In France, every car must have a breathalyzer kit in the glove compartment at all times.
If a driver is found to not have one, he or she will get a fine of 11 euros!
1. You Can Legally Marry a Dead Person
I can imagine your reactions already:
Wait, what?!
Um, gross...
That's... I... but... why?
Score! Time to move to France.
Okay, not so much the last one. But it's true! It is legal to marry a dead person in France. But they have some stipulations, of course! The couple has to have been engaged prior to the person's death, with obvious intent to go through with the wedding.
At least the corpse isn't getting married against his/her will, right?
2. No Jerry Lewis Masks For You
If you're planning a big Jerry Lewis-themed masquerade ball in Cannes, France, you might want to find a new theme!
Don't you know that wearing Jerry Lewis masks is illegal there? I know how common these parties are, but unless you want to pay a large fine, either cancel the shindig or find another location. Don't say we didn't warn you!
3. Hey There, Dollface
In France, it is illegal to sell dolls without human faces. That means your E.T. doll is illegal, my friend! Come on, though. Let's be serious. Do any dolls actually look human?
4. Onions Get the Right of Way
If you're walking along the street in Paris and you come upon a man carrying onions, get out of the way!
Onion-carrying garçons always get the right of way!
So I guess if you really want to get somewhere in a hurry, grab a pile of onions to speed up your trip!
5. Illegal For Women To Wear Trousers
In these modern times, you might think that most progressive societies have accepted that women like to wear pants. But in Paris, it is still illegal for women to wear trousers!
They have a few exceptions, like:
- When a woman is riding a horse
- When a woman is riding a bike
6. Illegal To Kiss on Railways
You know those adorable photos of people kissing on railroad tracks?
Well, you shouldn't try to have that photo shoot in France!
It is illegal to kiss on railways there.
This actually seems like a pretty practical law.
Would you want to be run over by a train because you were too busy sucking face to pay attention?
I think not!
7. Illegal To Take Photos of Police Officers
In Antibes, it is 100% illegal to take pictures of police officers or their vehicles.
If you're the type of person who hates to be photographed, this could be a strategic career move! It would be pretty cool to arrest people for going against your wishes, eh?
8. Pigs Named Napoleon
If you decide to live in France and buy a pet pig, make sure to abide by this important law:
Whatever you do, don't name it Napoleon!
If you do, you'll be breaking the law.
Why not stick with a more traditional name, like Gordy or Babe?
9. French Music on the Radio
If you're listening to the radio in France between the hours of 8am-8pm, don't expect to hear very much American music.
Why?
Because according to law, 70% of music played on the radio during those hours has to be performed by French artists.
10. Breathalyzer Tests
If you thought American DUI laws were harsh, just wait until you hear about this French law!
In France, every car must have a breathalyzer kit in the glove compartment at all times.
If a driver is found to not have one, he or she will get a fine of 11 euros!
Courtesy of chacha.com
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