Travel Plans

Here's an oldie but excellent goodie from Meredith's Jack. Hope you enjoy!

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I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you! I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

PLEASE DO YOUR PART! You can do your bit by remembering to send this e-mail to at least one person. My job is done! Life is too short for negative drama and petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

From one unstable person to another. I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty well in mine!

Procrastination...

Aphorisms

Do you know what an aphorism is?

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An aphorism is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty manner. The term is often applied to philosophical, moral, and literary principles. Read on...  

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that!

Money talks ... all mine ever says is good-bye. YEP~!~

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters and Twin Peaks. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

I can't understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named "Sag Harbor." (Hmmm~!~)

Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks! (That’ll be me)

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch! (That’s for sure)

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was that nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk. (AHA~!~)

Now, don't you feel better knowing what an aphorism is?

 

Just wondering...how many of these apply to you and your life???

WTF

Sandwich Order

Cahoots

A Poem for You!

Destinations

In...

Paraprosdokians

Hope you enjoy this giggle from Meredith's Jack!

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The first time I heard about paraprosdokians, I liked them.  Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the end part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them.)

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

  

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you...but it's still on my list.

  

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

  

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

  

5. We never really grow up.... we only learn how to act in public.

  

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

  

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

  

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

  

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

  

10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify...." I answered, "a doctor."

  

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

 

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

  

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

  

14 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

  

15. Going to church doesn't make you religious, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

  

16 You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Anthropomorphic Nouns

We are all familiar with…

a herd of cows,


 
a flock of chickens,


 
a school of fish,



and a gaggle of geese.



However, less widely known is:

a pride of lions,


 
a murder of crows,


 
(as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),



an Exaltation of doves,



and, presumably because they look so wise,

a parliament of owls.


 

Now consider a group of baboons.  Baboons are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.

And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not... A Congress!



A CONGRESS OF BABOONS!
 


That pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington!

You just can’t make this stuff up.

AMBIGUITY…

For those who love words…and we have a lot of those out here in blogland…I hope you enjoy what Meredith's Jack shared.!

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA…FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

23. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

24. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

25. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

26. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

27. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

28. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

29. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

30. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

31. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

32. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

33. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?

15 colorful Southern phrases and their origins

 




Have you ever heard your grandmother say, “Well, I Swan” and wondered why she was talking about aquatic fowl? Or described someone as living “high on the hog” but have no idea how the phrase came to mean “living well?”

We southerners are known for our funny turns of phrase. People of all cultures enjoy trying to figure out where we get our colorful phrases. We researched the origins of 15 popular southern phrases so that the next time someone asks, you can tell them the back story.

What’s your favorite southern phrase? If we missed it this time, we’ll try to get it on the next list.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Courtesy of It's a Southern Thing

And just how many of these did you know?  

How many of you used? 😀