Shopping at Tesco

For those of you who shop at Tesco, here's a goodie from Meredith's Jack. Hope you enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is hilarious!

Burgers for dinner tonight!  In the UK, some supermarkets have admitted that there is horse meat in their home cooked burgers.

Even places like Burger King have had to admit that there are "small amounts" of horse meat in their burgers.  Tesco is a big supermarket chain in the UK (and owned by Wal-Mart).   Within hours of the news that Tesco's "all beef hamburgers" contained 30% horse meat, these quips hit the Internet...

"I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse...I guess Tesco just listened!

Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?

Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.

Had some burgers from Tesco for supper last night ...I still have a bit between my teeth.

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco.  Her condition is listed as stable.

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn.

"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer ... "AND THEY'RE OFF!"

Tesco is now forced to deny the presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.

I said to the missus, "These Tesco burgers give me the trots."

"To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian.".

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says, "Why the long face?”  Cow says "Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!"

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit...Talk about flogging a dead horse.

Last night the wife made meatloaf, so I had dinner with two nags.

Since they're selling the meat wrapped in plastic, is that technically a "Trojan Horse?"

Instead of choosing "rare, medium or well done, it's now Win, Place or Show"

At first, I thought, "Oh great, I've been saddled with another email to forward, but something spurred me on." 

Briitsh Humor

Even though I’ve previously shared these, when Meredith's Jack sent them, I just had to share them again.  Enjoy!

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.


WEDDING DRESS FOR  SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****


FOR  SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--BillyConnolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Children Are Quick
______________________________________________


TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
______________________________________________ 
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
______________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
______________________________________________
 
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
______________________________________________
 
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
______________________________________________
 
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________________________________________
 
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________________
 
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________________________
 
TEACHER:  Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
______________________________________________
 
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
______________________________________________

PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH


Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

Petrol Pump Wisdom

Words of wisdom for one and all...

A Johannesburg, South Africa filling station has become quite a landmark in Gauteng with its daily #PetrolPumpWisdom – uplifting quotes written on a chalkboard.

Some motorists say they deliberately travel this route just to read the quote which brightens their day!!

Here's a selection:


 

The lady behind this wonderful initiative at Hutton Hyde Park is Alison Billett.

She told SA People: "We inherited the board from the previous owner, Dick Hutton, when we bought the filling station from him almost 20 years ago."

"We continued the tradition and it has become a landmark – more so now that it's on social media!"



"Not a day goes by when I don't get a call or a visit from someone to tell me how much they appreciate the message – it seems that every day there's something that just speaks to what is going on in someone's life and that inspires or motivates them."
 


 
"Having people come and tell me their stories and how the quote helped them in some small way is what motivates me to keep writing!"

"We use a variety of quotations – some are topical, some are funny, some are inspirational,
some even reflect what is going on in my life that day!"

"Different things appeal to different people…"
 

 
 
"The boards were spotted by a motivational speaker from the UK, Geoff Ramm, when he was driving by one day and he was so taken by them he included a piece about them in his book!"

 
"The boards have appeared many times in newspapers and magazines and been spoken about on radio stations all over the world. 9GAG has re-tweeted them a few times too!"

Bob 95 FM in the USA recently posted Alison's "Rest in Peace" quote which has now been shared over a quarter of a million times around the world!"

Language

The following was shared by a dear friend on Facebook and I couldn’t resist sharing it here.

---

Source: www.grammarcheck.net

Decorum and Aplomb

From Meredith's Jack, with the following note: “CAT...I think you'll like this and I'm sure you have many readers who are also Downton Abby fans.”  Thanks, Jack…loved it!

---

The British have such a command of decorum and aplomb to which we can only aspire.

This message is for my friends who appreciate the finer points of the English language used correctly.
 

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

 

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

 

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."

 

"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.

 

"Aplomb," My Lord.

 

"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."
 

"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused about it."

 

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

 

"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

 

"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

 

"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.

 

"While Will was plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

 

"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

 

"That evening the hole the rose made in his thumb was very sore. Kate had to cut his venison for him, even though it was extremely tender."

 

"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

 

"And do you remember the next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Will in a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?'

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee.

 That, Carson, is complete composure, or aplomb.”

News from the Coastguard

Haven't had a giggle from our darlin’ Ami over at Ami's Starsong in quite a while!  Hope you enjoy!  

The Coast Guard intercepted a boatload of people off the coast of Suffolk today.

This placed the Coast Guard in an awkward position, as the boat was not heading to, but away from the UK, but towards Europe.



Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with white English people who were all seniors of pensionable age. Their claim was that they were trying to get to Europe so as to be able to return to UK as illegal immigrants, and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate UK pensioners.

The Coast Guard it is believed gave them food, water and assisted them on their journey.



I’m booked on the next boat out - Let me know if you want to come.



REMEMBER YOU HAVE TO BE OVER 65!