Jogging

 

 

 

Shoe Shopping with Dad

Here's a very funny oldie from our lovely Ami...have shared it before but it makes me giggle every time I find it. Hope you enjoy!

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I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.  We decided to grab a bite at the food court.  I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors -  green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.  The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.  When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:

"What's the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response.  I knew he would have a good one!  In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid:

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot.  I was just wondering if you might be my kid."

Doctor's Visit

Here's a very funny giggle from our lovely Ami. Hope you enjoy!

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The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

The doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the wife.

He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed. He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough.

Finally he said, "Ok, good. You can get dressed now, and I will go talk to your husband".

The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection either."

Bad Parrot

Here's an oldie I've shared before but couldn't resist when our lovely Ami sent it to me. Hope you enjoy!

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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed..

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did? “

Hubby’s Results

Here's another fun giggle courtesy of our lovely Ami's Star Song...

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The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

The doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the wife.

 
He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed. He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough.


Finally he said, "Ok, good. You can get dressed now, and I will go talk to your husband".
 

The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection either."

Out of the Mouths of Babes...

Here's a fun giggle courtesy of our  lovely Ami's Star Song...

Some good and some really mad me smile! Hope you enjoy these observations.
(Written by kids)


1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

Alan, age 10 

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

Kristen, age 10


2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then..

Camille, age 10


3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

Derrick, age 8



4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.

Lori, age 8



5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure?)


 On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

Martin, age 10



6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.

Pam, age 7 (Love her)



The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

Curt, age 7


The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

Howard, age 8



7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

Anita, age 9 (bless you child )



8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

Kelvin, age 8



And the #1 Favorite is...


9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

Ricky, age 9

Air Show Disaster

Here's a fun giggle courtesy of our  lovely Ami's Star Song

 

Air Show Disaster at West ZWICK'S ISLAND PARK, BELLEVILLE, ONTARIO, CANADA.

AIRCRAFT HITS FOUR BUILDINGS

This is tough to see. It just shows the dangers of attending these events.  Amazing photo below shows it in great detail.

The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft.

It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings.


One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

 
 
No one was killed, but it probably scared the shit out of them.

Testicle Therapy

Another giggle from our darlin’ Ami.

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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize..

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.


At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?


'Feels great,' he replied; 'but I still think my thumb's broken!'

Eating in the Fifties and Sixties

Another giggle from our darlin’ Ami. 

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Pasta was not eaten in Australia.

 

Curry was a surname.

 

A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

 

A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

 

All potato crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.

 

Rice was only eaten as a milk pudding.

 

Calamari was called squid and we used it as fish bait.

 

A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

 

Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

 

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.

 

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and they were never green.

 

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Fish didn't have fingers in those days. 
Eating raw fish was called poverty,

not sushi.

 

None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

 

Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

 

People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

 

Indian restaurants were only found in India.

 

Cooking outside was called camping.

 

Seaweed was not a recognised food.

 

"Kebab" was not even a word, never mind a food.

 

Prunes were medicinal.

 

Surprisingly, muesli was readily available; it was called cattle feed.

 

Drinking water came out of the tap.

If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it, they would have become a laughing stock!!

But the things that we never ever had on our table in the sixties…

Elbows or Phones!

Many of these were true in both the US and England but others…such eating plain white rice and as cooking outside aka grilling was definitely around in the 60’s. 

Enemies

Here’s a giggle from someone we haven’t heard from for a while…our darlin’ Ami over at Ami's Starsong. 

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.


The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.


"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf.  It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.


"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.


"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down to the front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"


The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,  "I outlived the bastards."

Zen Teachings

Here’s another giggle courtesy of our darlin’ Ami over at Ami's Starsong.  I have previously seen and even shared some of these before but love them all together like this.

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1.  Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2.  Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3.  No one is listening until you pass wind.

4.  Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5.  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6.  If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7.  Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... And most of that comes from bad judgment.

14. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

15. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

16. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

18. We were born naked, wet and hungry, and got slapped on our arse - then things just kept getting worse.

19. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Bank Loan

Here’s another giggle courtesy of our darlin’ Ami over at Ami's Starsong.

She included the note “Don't Blame Me - I only forward them on!” Ha!

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A frog goes into a bank and  approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

 
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

 
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

 
The bank manager looks back  at her and says.

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan,
His old man's a Rolling Stone."
 


You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are...

Never take life too seriously!

Come on now! You grinned, I know you did!

Malfunction

Here’s another giggle courtesy of our darlin’ Ami over at Ami's Starsong.

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This is something that happened at an assisted living centre.


The people who live there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.


An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a heck of a time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.


She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the
way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.


When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.


A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing.



The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.


Guess that’s what ya call a clothing malfunction.  

Curious Little Johnny

Here’s another giggle courtesy of our darlin’ Ami over at Ami's Starsong.

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Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.  Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.


'Mummy, I was at the playground and I  saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her skirt.  Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt  Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, let's save the rest of it for supper-time.  I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'


At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.  I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.  Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'


Mummy fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story…

before you interrupt! 

 

News from the Coastguard

Haven't had a giggle from our darlin’ Ami over at Ami's Starsong in quite a while!  Hope you enjoy!  

The Coast Guard intercepted a boatload of people off the coast of Suffolk today.

This placed the Coast Guard in an awkward position, as the boat was not heading to, but away from the UK, but towards Europe.



Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with white English people who were all seniors of pensionable age. Their claim was that they were trying to get to Europe so as to be able to return to UK as illegal immigrants, and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate UK pensioners.

The Coast Guard it is believed gave them food, water and assisted them on their journey.



I’m booked on the next boat out - Let me know if you want to come.



REMEMBER YOU HAVE TO BE OVER 65!

Deep Thinking

Our darlin’ Ami over at Ami's Starsong is at it again!  Hope you enjoy!

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.
 


The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
 


Finally I pondered an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?



Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."  

I rest my case.

Time for another beer…and perhaps a nap.

Laundry Fail

Hope you enjoy this naughty giggle that was sent by our darlin’ Ami over at Ami's Starsong!  

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Never wash wool at high temperatures!



I would add…check yourself in a mirror before you walk out the door!

Mass Deportation

Here’s a giggle that was sent to me by a vanilla friend and our darlin’ Ami over at Ami's Starsong. Enjoy!

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To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting senior citizens (instead of illegals) in order to lower pensions and healthcare costs (flu jabs, walkers, wheelchairs, free prescriptions, bus passes, etc.)
 
The Government has established that older people are easier to catch and, in most cases, will not remember how to get back home.
 
I started to cry when I thought of you - maybe I'd never see you again.
Then it dawned on me...
 
I'll see you on the bus!

Hero

Here are some beautiful pictures of some very precious heroes courtesy of our darlin’ Ami over at Ami's Starsong.  Tissue alert…

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So nice to see those brave dogs being looked after!

 


This is my human there are many like it but this one is mine...

And the guy on the left has a BIG smile on his face.  It's his dog and he is glad it found another lap to sit on instead of his. (Note the brown leash)

 
 

Oh Come On We Both Fit On This Thing! See!?

  

 



I totally saw the dog and is wonderful wing man, never really paid attention to anything else until I started reading the comments.  Thank you to our military and their very special dogs who are sent into the worse case scenarios

My son was half of a K9 couple.  His first partner was Banjo, explosives detection.  Oh, the stories we've heard!  His second partner was Brit, drug dog.  I have nothing but the utmost respect for all K9 teams.

He/she deserved it! Thank you for your service, sweet little puppy.

Look at the power in the thighs and shoulders of this soldier.  And that beautiful, determined face.  I grew up being told by my Air Force father that women could never serve in combat.  Oh, yeah?  Tell that to this American soldier!  To paraphrase Lincoln: "SHE who shall have borne the battle..."

He looks so fierce, but sad…

Tears rolling down his/hers face.

They trust each other!

The dog survived, the handler sadly did not.

He is receiving a medal for his service to our Country...

well deserved.

Let's go for a walk they said.
It'll be fun they said.

 

Best friend I could of ever asked for!!!

  





IF ONLY we humans would love
one another this way too.

Every K9 soldier would give their life for their partner,

no question they r angels of war...

bond beyond words.

Hey, that's an Israeli soldier!

 
 










 
 

The love of a dog is the closest thing to the love God
has for the human race. 
Greater love hath no man than to lay down his life for
his friends ...

Thank you for your service. 

Now run free over the rainbow bridge.

Not a K9 Soldier, but nonetheless a dog who will serve.

His contribution to morale and mental health of the soldiers who found him, take care of him, and will hopefully bring him home with them should also be recognized.

Not a War Dog, but still a Dog of War.

THAT is an awesome picture!!!

 
 
 
 
 

  

The sharp dried weeds/grass was probably hurting the dog's feet. Saw another picture once where the human soldier was carrying his dog over burning hot sand. If it's too hot or cold on the ground for you to go barefooted, it's too hot or cold for animals too.

He ain't heavy he's my brother!

This is the family of fallen Marine Cpl Dustin Lee. They were allowed to adopt "Lex".
















 

"That's not a dog, THAT'S A MARINE." -

Gny Sgt. Leroy Jethro Gibb, USMC "NCIS"

He looks like he's saying its
okay we got this covered.

 
 
 
 
 
 

Look after them like they
looked after you.