Mensa Convention

Meredith's Jack, sent a good one!

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Last year, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco.
 
Mensa, as you probably know, is a national organization for people who have  an IQ of 140 or higher.
 
Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe. When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
 
How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, this was a job for Mensa minds.
 
The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.
 
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker has pepper."
 
But before they could finish, the waitress interrupted.  "Oh - sorry about that."
 
She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
 
There was dead silence at the Mensa table.
 
Kind of reminds you of Washington DC.

I would go further and say it reminds me of all politicians…not just here in the U.S.

Morning Reflection

John Glenn, who died December 8, 2016 at age 95, always had the right stuff.

He was voted the Most Popular Boy in his hometown of New Concord, Ohio; was awarded six Distinguished Flying Crosses as a fighter pilot in two wars; was the first American astronaut to orbit the earth; was elected three times by the people of Ohio to the U.S. Senate; and – after a 1998 flight on the Space Shuttle Discovery – became the oldest man ever to go into space.


 
John Glenn’s personal hero, however, was the woman to whom he was married for 73 years.

Annie Castor was Glenn’s childhood playmate and high school sweetheart.  He adored her wit, her brilliance, and her courage.

But for most of her life Annie has been known primarily for something else:  her struggle with a severe speech impediment.

Growing up, Annie was designated an 85%er, which meant that 85% of the time she would be functionally unable to speak aloud the words in a simple phrase.

She felt isolated from outsiders.  She shrank from the simplest conversations.  She would wander alone from aisle to aisle in stores looking for items on her shopping list because she was too afraid to risk asking for help.

John Glenn always protected, defended, and loved her fiercely.  She dreaded being separated from him.

And Glenn was often gone.  He flew 52 combat missions in World War II, followed by 90 sorties during the Korean War.  Then there were dozens of high-risk flights as a test pilot in experimental aircraft, and that day in 1962 when he climbed alone into a Mercury capsule and orbited the earth three times.

Each time he parted company with her he refused to say goodbye. That would be too painful.  Instead he would say, “I’m just going down to the corner to get a pack of gum.”  And each time Annie would struggle to say the same three words:  “Don’t be long.”

Glenn left her a special gift just before he climbed aboard Discovery at the age of 77.  It was a pack of gum.


Late in life Annie entered an experimental program through which she achieved an almost complete victory over her stuttering.  She became an accomplished public speaker.  Her husband was her biggest fan.


On the 8th of December, John and Annie Glenn parted company one last time in this world.  But they lived in the hope that there is a next world – a place where they will never again need to say goodbye.

 


The word “goodbye” is actually a conflation of four small English words:  “God be with you.” 
Over the years, “God-be-with-you” became scrunched together into the word we use most often when going separate ways.

Scripture promises that the day is coming when we will no longer need to say, “God be with you,” because God will in fact be overwhelmingly present with all of us – with all of God’s people across all generations.

Heaven, in other words, is the place where there will be no longer be a need for goodbyes.

And where all of us will be able to speak, and shout, and sing without hesitation.

And where it’s just possible that gum will never lose its flavor.

Election Year

 

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

~Jay Leno~

 

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

~Henry Cate, VII~

 

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office

~Aesop~

 

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.

~Will Rogers~

 

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

~Nikita Khrushchev~

 

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.

~Clarence Darrow~

 

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

~John Quinton~

 

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.

~Author unknown~

 

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

~Oscar Ameringer~

 

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.

~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~

 

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

~ Tex Guinan~

 

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.

~Charles de Gaulle~

 

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

~Doug Larson~

There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on Congressmen.

~Will Rogers

Crocodile Conversation

It’s all in how you prepare it! 

The Briefcase

No matter what your country, party affiliation, or ideology, this is funny…

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A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Dakota prairie without water.  His horse had already died of thirst.  He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him. 

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.  He opens it and out pops a genie.


But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook.  She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.  'Well, cowboy,' says the genie, 'You know how I work...You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy, 'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'


'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right. 'OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.


'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich...beyond my wildest dreams.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.


 'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.  Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.


Moral of the story:

If the U.S. government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

A Day in Hell

Best Obituary Ever

The Best Obituary Ever Written In a Newspaper. This Is Genius.
 
An obituary printed in the New York Times:
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
 
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
 
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
 
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
 
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
 
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death,

- by his parents, Truth and Trust,
- by his wife, Discretion,
- by his daughter, Responsibility,
- and by his son, Reason.

 
He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;

- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing

 
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
 
If you still remember him, pass this on.  If not, join the majority and do nothing.
 

Courtesy of  tickld

Full Body Scans At Airports

CATSA has released the following Airport Screening Results:

Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From CATSA:  As of December 2014
Terrorists Discovered	0
Transvestites	133
Hernias	1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases	3,172
Enlarged Prostates	8,249
Breast Implants	59,350
Natural Blondes	3

 
It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls.
 

Thought you'd like to know.

Diplomatic Visits

Political Aphorisms

Our Sunny from Aimless Ramblings shared these with me…I just had to pass them along.  Don’t care what nationality you are, politicians are politicians.


If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~


The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~


We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office
~Aesop~


If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~


Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~


When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~


Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~


Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~


Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~


I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~


A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~


I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~


Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~


There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on Congressmen.
~Will Rogers~

The Real Texas

Not limited to Texas…applies at my house also!

Again…applies at my house also!

Need to get or make me one of these!

Ooh and this one also!

 Unfortunately, not true this year...wouldn't even be able to find the blasted thing. 

Got that right!

Yeppers…

Cows, The Constitution and The Ten Commandments

I don’t know how many of you have heard of the comedian "Larry, the Cable Guy"…he is famous for his line “Git-R-Done” and performed with Bill Engvall and Jeff Foxworthy on the “Blue Collar Comedy” and “Them Idiots Whirled” tours.  Here is a link to one of his performances if you want to watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmG0ZNEPYEY

Anyway…the following is courtesy of “Larry, the Cable Guy”

THIS CABLE GUY HUMOR IS FUNNY AND CLEAN; BUT UNFORTUNATELY
ITS TRUE! THE MAN IS A GENIUS!

Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? 
And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. 
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. 
Maybe we should give each of them a cow!


THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq…why don't we just give them ours?

It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.


THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this…

you cannot post:

'Thou Shalt Not Steal'
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and
'Thou Shall Not Lie'

in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.


Also, think about this…If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone…

YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!

GIT R DONE!.........I'm do'in my part!  

When Insults Had Class

These outstanding insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to four letter words:
 
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
 
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
 
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
 
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."- Clarence Darrow
 
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
 
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
 
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
 
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
 
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
 "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
 
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
 
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."- John Bright
 
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
 
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." –Samuel Johnson
 
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."- Paul Keating
 
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
 
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."- Forrest Tucker
 
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
 
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
 
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
 
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination."- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
 
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
 
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

They Walk Among Us

A Washington, DC 'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble!

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I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. On an airplane?!?

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I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. 
I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ...''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa...''
His response…click…

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A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did.
I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. 
I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me! I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!''  OMG!!!

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I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' OMG, again!

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An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.
I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a one hour layover in Dallas.
When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' Aghhhh

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An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week.
She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that. Seriously?!?

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A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?''
I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight…I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing).
I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

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A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii.
After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?''

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I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala. who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

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Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

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Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa.
"Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.
When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

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A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.''
I was at a loss for words.  Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
 

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Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!
Could ANYONE be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED!
I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration.  Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.