Showing posts with label Dumb Criminals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dumb Criminals. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 17, 2019
Sunday, July 2, 2017
Extra Stupid Criminals
These Extra Stupid Criminals Took Dumb To A New Low
Criminals typically aren't too bright to begin with, but this group of morons set the record for the dumbest of the dumb. You won't believe the idiocy!
1. I Hate It When That Happens
4. At Least He Made His Court Date
8. His New Plate Just Reads "Dumbass"
13. Cops Would Have Caught Her Sooner But They Had To Sit Through An Advertisement And Wait For The Video To Buffer
21. Never Bring a Knife to a Gun Fight
Criminals typically aren't too bright to begin with, but this group of morons set the record for the dumbest of the dumb. You won't believe the idiocy!
1. I Hate It When That Happens
2. Talk About Short-Term Memory Loss
3. If Only Idiocy Was A Crime
4. At Least He Made His Court Date
5. A Real Genius
6. What a Dildo
7. Pawn Star
8. His New Plate Just Reads "Dumbass"
9. They Should Have Pinky Swore
10. He Made A Run For The Border
11. Can You Hold This For A Second?
12. “Pshhh... Whatever”
13. Cops Would Have Caught Her Sooner But They Had To Sit Through An Advertisement And Wait For The Video To Buffer
14. Reading Comprehension Is Not A Requirement
15. The Newest Inductee Into The Stupid Criminals Hall Of Fame…
16. World's Cheapest Alarm System
17. Not The Sharpie-Est Tools In The Box
18. I'd Hate To See That Phone Bill
19. Now It's In the Law Enforcement Handbook
20. Mother of the Year
21. Never Bring a Knife to a Gun Fight
22. He Passed Out Before He Could Take Advantage of Himself
23. She Must Have Been Sick of His Sh#T
24. This Is Not How You Join the Force
25. When Your Roommate Is a Bogart
26. Drunk by Transitive Property?
27. Just One More Idiot Clogging Up Our Judicial System
28. Maybe Cashiers Should Learn A Little About Money
Courtesy of Grabberwocky
Friday, January 27, 2017
Men
This actually happened… 
They dressed the truck up with the guy tied down on the Roof.
The driver and passengers put on moose heads.
Then they went down the toll road Interstate…causing 16 accidents.
Yes; they went to jail..
Yes; alcohol was involved…
Yes; men cannot be left alone.
They dressed the truck up with the guy tied down on the Roof.
The driver and passengers put on moose heads.
Then they went down the toll road Interstate…causing 16 accidents.
Yes; they went to jail..
Yes; alcohol was involved…
Yes; men cannot be left alone.
Saturday, November 12, 2016
Obituary in the NY Times
At first she was puzzled as she started reading this obituary in the paper. But what followed was genius.
An obituary printed in the New York Times…
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death,
- by his parents, Truth and Trust,
- by his wife, Discretion,
- by his daughter, Responsibility,
- and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
I removed the jpg and manually typed this in as I had several emails letting me know that it was extremely blurry and difficult to read. Hope this helps.
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Bank Robbery
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action.
The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.
Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up.
The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving.
The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind.
The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!"
The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"
The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff.
Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up.
The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving.
The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind.
The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!"
The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"
Friday, January 29, 2016
In the Running for Dumbest Criminal of 2016
It’s only 22 days into January and the “Dumbest Criminal of 2016” may have already been locked up.
Donte Hayes, 17, of Delaware County, Pennsylvania, was arrested after he scheduled a follow-up meeting with a woman he kidnapped, because he wanted to steal more money off her.
You read that right and here he is.
This guy is stupid.
On January 3, at around 3 a.m. police said Hayes entered the victim’s house through an unlocked first-floor kitchen window.
Hayes then awoke the woman – who is in her late 70s – by tapping her on the shoulder with his gun, police said.
He demanded money from the woman; when she told him she had none in her possession, Hayes forced the victim to drive her car to an ATM on State Street in Media, where he ordered her to withdraw $2,000, according to police.
The teen allegedly told the woman that if she did not withdraw the money, he would kill her and her husband, who was still asleep back at their house.
Police said when the ATM would only allow the woman to withdraw $460, Hayes drove her back to her house, where he awoke her husband and ‘herded the couple’ into the kitchen.
Splain said Hayes spoke to the couple for about an hour and told the woman to meet him at a shopping center on January 4th.
Hayes said if one of them didn’t turn up, he would return to their home and kill both of them.
The police said the elderly woman asked him: ‘How will I know it’s you.’
The teenager assured her he would be in the same outfit he was wearing when he kidnapped them.
Yep. Stupid. I’m just waiting for the inevitable mom story, “he was always a good boy, he didn’t hurt them…” and of course, since he’s only 17, the story about how he was thinking about which college he was going to apply to.
As I said, “stupid.”
Donte Hayes, 17, of Delaware County, Pennsylvania, was arrested after he scheduled a follow-up meeting with a woman he kidnapped, because he wanted to steal more money off her.
You read that right and here he is.
This guy is stupid.
On January 3, at around 3 a.m. police said Hayes entered the victim’s house through an unlocked first-floor kitchen window.
Hayes then awoke the woman – who is in her late 70s – by tapping her on the shoulder with his gun, police said.
He demanded money from the woman; when she told him she had none in her possession, Hayes forced the victim to drive her car to an ATM on State Street in Media, where he ordered her to withdraw $2,000, according to police.
The teen allegedly told the woman that if she did not withdraw the money, he would kill her and her husband, who was still asleep back at their house.
Police said when the ATM would only allow the woman to withdraw $460, Hayes drove her back to her house, where he awoke her husband and ‘herded the couple’ into the kitchen.
Splain said Hayes spoke to the couple for about an hour and told the woman to meet him at a shopping center on January 4th.
Hayes said if one of them didn’t turn up, he would return to their home and kill both of them.
The police said the elderly woman asked him: ‘How will I know it’s you.’
The teenager assured her he would be in the same outfit he was wearing when he kidnapped them.
Yep. Stupid. I’m just waiting for the inevitable mom story, “he was always a good boy, he didn’t hurt them…” and of course, since he’s only 17, the story about how he was thinking about which college he was going to apply to.
As I said, “stupid.”
Courtesy of Joe For America
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Truth is Stranger
Sometimes things that really happen are funnier than stuff made up:
When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch.
What they did take, however, was a white box filled with a grayish-white powder. (That's the way the police report described it.)
A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.
Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars:
The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The white box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.
Scotch taped to the box was this note which said:
And you thought California was the land of fruits and nuts.
When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch.
What they did take, however, was a white box filled with a grayish-white powder. (That's the way the police report described it.)
A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.
Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars:
"Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."
The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The white box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.
Scotch taped to the box was this note which said:
"Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day."
And you thought California was the land of fruits and nuts.
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Reckless Driving
Heard the one about the blind golf cart driver?
No joke: Ga. man charged with reckless conduct after 2-mile drive
An ill-advised trip on golf cart ended with a long drive into a rough spot when a blind man — accompanied by his guide dog and a drunken friend — steered the vehicle along two miles of winding paths in Peachtree City, Ga., before slamming into a parked car, it was reported Tuesday.
Police told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution that the drunken friend, Michael Johnston, who was “admittedly under the influence of alcoholic beverage” after consuming six or seven beers, gave instructions to the blind man, Samuel McClain, to enable him to negotiate the twists and turns of the paved path. Also riding in the cart was McClain’s guide dog, a golden retriever.
The journey came to a sudden end when McClain rammed the cart into a parked car.
No one was hurt in the accident, but McClain, 35, and Johnston, 47, were charged with reckless conduct “due to the blatant disregard for public safety,” the newspaper said.
Peachtree City, a city of 34,000 about 25 miles south of Atlanta, has about 80 miles of paved cart paths and 9,000 registered carts that residents use for daily tasks like going to the grocery or taking children to school.
No joke: Ga. man charged with reckless conduct after 2-mile drive
An ill-advised trip on golf cart ended with a long drive into a rough spot when a blind man — accompanied by his guide dog and a drunken friend — steered the vehicle along two miles of winding paths in Peachtree City, Ga., before slamming into a parked car, it was reported Tuesday.
Police told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution that the drunken friend, Michael Johnston, who was “admittedly under the influence of alcoholic beverage” after consuming six or seven beers, gave instructions to the blind man, Samuel McClain, to enable him to negotiate the twists and turns of the paved path. Also riding in the cart was McClain’s guide dog, a golden retriever.
The journey came to a sudden end when McClain rammed the cart into a parked car.
No one was hurt in the accident, but McClain, 35, and Johnston, 47, were charged with reckless conduct “due to the blatant disregard for public safety,” the newspaper said.
Peachtree City, a city of 34,000 about 25 miles south of Atlanta, has about 80 miles of paved cart paths and 9,000 registered carts that residents use for daily tasks like going to the grocery or taking children to school.
Courtesy of MSNBC staff and news service reports
June 15, 2004
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Vagina Traps US Student
Received the following in an email…did check it out and it is a true story. There was not date regarding the article but when I researched it, this seems to have happened in June of 2014.
Good gravy…think this is a perfect example of what I call an ‘educated idiot’!
It seemed like a great photo op, but a dare ended in embarrassment for an American student who got trapped inside a large sculpture in the shape of a vagina at Germany’s Tubingen University, reports the Sydney Morning Herald.
At about 1:45 p.m. on Friday, firefighters were called to the scene, where, they were told, someone was “stuck in a stone vulva.”
Freeing the young man, whose name has not been released, from the 32-ton red Veronese marble monolith took no less that 22 firefighters (and five fire trucks), as well as paramedics. The rescuers required no special equipment, and were able to extricate the student from the sculpture by hand, creating a surreal, oversize delivery room scene, with the artwork giving birth to a full-grown (though perhaps a little immature) man.
Erick Guzman, a fellow student, posted photos of the incident on Imgur, saying “I was there!!! He just wanted to take a funny picture.”
Tübingen’s mayor found it difficult to comprehend how such a ridiculous accident could have occurred, “even when considering the most extreme adolescent fantasies,” according to local paper Schwäbisches Tagblatt. “To reward such a masterly achievement with the use of 22 firefighters almost pains my soul,” he added.
Despite the undeniably humorous nature of the incident, said Guzman, “The fire department was not really amused, and [the student] was really embarrassed.”
Peruvian artist Fernando de la Jara installed the statue, titled Chacán-Pi (Making Love) and meant to symbolize “the gateway to the world,” according to the Guardian, in front of the university’s institute for microbiology and virology 13 years ago. It was not damaged by the student or the efforts of his rescuers.
artnet News readers may recall that earlier this year, an Italian student who was also hoping for a fun photograph made headlines when he hopped into the lap of a statue in Milan, causing it to shatter—and that wasn’t even the most ill-advised selfie of 2014.
Two Iranian girls got in a car crash while taking a video selfie (see the footage at E Online), while a young woman in North Carolina who died behind the wheel in a car accident was photographing herself shortly before her fatal crash, as reported by the Independent. Advice for selfie-seekers: don’t ignore safety and common sense when you’re picking that perfect photo-op.
I do have to wonder if any of these selfie-seekers are actually competing for a Darwin Award! SMH
Good gravy…think this is a perfect example of what I call an ‘educated idiot’!
32-Ton Marble Vagina Traps US Exchange Student
An American student waiting for firefighters to free him from Fernando de la Jara’s marble vagina sculpture, Chacán-Pi (Making Love), at Germany’s Tübingen University.
Photo: Erick Guzman, via Imgur.
Photo: Erick Guzman, via Imgur.
It seemed like a great photo op, but a dare ended in embarrassment for an American student who got trapped inside a large sculpture in the shape of a vagina at Germany’s Tubingen University, reports the Sydney Morning Herald.
At about 1:45 p.m. on Friday, firefighters were called to the scene, where, they were told, someone was “stuck in a stone vulva.”
Freeing the young man, whose name has not been released, from the 32-ton red Veronese marble monolith took no less that 22 firefighters (and five fire trucks), as well as paramedics. The rescuers required no special equipment, and were able to extricate the student from the sculpture by hand, creating a surreal, oversize delivery room scene, with the artwork giving birth to a full-grown (though perhaps a little immature) man.
Erick Guzman, a fellow student, posted photos of the incident on Imgur, saying “I was there!!! He just wanted to take a funny picture.”
Tübingen’s mayor found it difficult to comprehend how such a ridiculous accident could have occurred, “even when considering the most extreme adolescent fantasies,” according to local paper Schwäbisches Tagblatt. “To reward such a masterly achievement with the use of 22 firefighters almost pains my soul,” he added.
Despite the undeniably humorous nature of the incident, said Guzman, “The fire department was not really amused, and [the student] was really embarrassed.”
Peruvian artist Fernando de la Jara installed the statue, titled Chacán-Pi (Making Love) and meant to symbolize “the gateway to the world,” according to the Guardian, in front of the university’s institute for microbiology and virology 13 years ago. It was not damaged by the student or the efforts of his rescuers.
artnet News readers may recall that earlier this year, an Italian student who was also hoping for a fun photograph made headlines when he hopped into the lap of a statue in Milan, causing it to shatter—and that wasn’t even the most ill-advised selfie of 2014.
Two Iranian girls got in a car crash while taking a video selfie (see the footage at E Online), while a young woman in North Carolina who died behind the wheel in a car accident was photographing herself shortly before her fatal crash, as reported by the Independent. Advice for selfie-seekers: don’t ignore safety and common sense when you’re picking that perfect photo-op.
I do have to wonder if any of these selfie-seekers are actually competing for a Darwin Award! SMH
Saturday, May 31, 2014
911 in the South
This is an example of why some folks don't want to live in the South.
Believe it or not, these are Memphis, Tennessee's REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is...
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
Courtesy of Cop Humor
Friday, February 21, 2014
Way Too Much!
It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper.
Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.
The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed.
He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. "Are you Mr. Johnson?" they asked?
He admitted that he was.
"Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?"
Again, the man admitted that was he.
"And what did you do then," the troopers asked."
The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.
"Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired.
The man answered that it was in the garage.
"May we see the car?" asked the troopers.
The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.
Inside the garage was the state troopers car.
Oops!
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Best Informant
An officer was sitting at a diner have some coffee late one night when a group of known drug dealers came in and sat down on the other side of the establishment.
One of them in particular was constantly cursing. Every other word was a swear word.
The man gets up to go to the bathroom and the officer follows him. "Hey man, can you tone down the cursing a little bit? It's pretty obnoxious."
Well the man lets the officer have it. Curses him up one side and down the other then walks out the bathroom to rejoin his dope dealing friends.
The officer calls the waitress over to him and asks for the mans bill. He further instructs her to tell the man, in front of his friends, that the cop paid for his bill.
As the officer heads for the door, the man smirks, "that's what I thought, pig."
The officer turns to the man, "Its the least I can do for my best informant."
Gotcha!
One of them in particular was constantly cursing. Every other word was a swear word.
The man gets up to go to the bathroom and the officer follows him. "Hey man, can you tone down the cursing a little bit? It's pretty obnoxious."
Well the man lets the officer have it. Curses him up one side and down the other then walks out the bathroom to rejoin his dope dealing friends.
The officer calls the waitress over to him and asks for the mans bill. He further instructs her to tell the man, in front of his friends, that the cop paid for his bill.
As the officer heads for the door, the man smirks, "that's what I thought, pig."
The officer turns to the man, "Its the least I can do for my best informant."
Gotcha!
Monday, March 11, 2013
Non-Invisible Bank Robber Caught
In the long list of criminal dos and don’ts, one of the top pieces of advice – above not robbing a CCTV camera shop, or not forging banknotes with running ink – has to be ‘never rob a bank thinking that you’re invisible when you’re not actually invisible.’
Sadly for one man in Iran, he made just that mistake – and as a result, police in Tehran are hunting a fake sorcerer who convinced the man he was invisible and so could rob banks safely.
The man’s ill-fated heist attempt started to go wrong shortly after he entered the bank, as he started snatching money from the hands of customers. For some reason, rather than being terrified of the mysterious invisible poltergeist stealing their cash, the customers quickly overpowered the hapless thief.
‘I made a mistake. I understand now what a big trick was played on me,’ the man told the court, state-run newspaper Jam-e Jam reports.
He explained that he had paid 5 million rials (just under £290) to a wizard imposter, who in return gave him spells to tie to his arm. The sorcerer told him that they would make him invisible, and that he could then rob banks to his heart’s content.
Sadly for one man in Iran, he made just that mistake – and as a result, police in Tehran are hunting a fake sorcerer who convinced the man he was invisible and so could rob banks safely.
The man’s ill-fated heist attempt started to go wrong shortly after he entered the bank, as he started snatching money from the hands of customers. For some reason, rather than being terrified of the mysterious invisible poltergeist stealing their cash, the customers quickly overpowered the hapless thief.
‘I made a mistake. I understand now what a big trick was played on me,’ the man told the court, state-run newspaper Jam-e Jam reports.
He explained that he had paid 5 million rials (just under £290) to a wizard imposter, who in return gave him spells to tie to his arm. The sorcerer told him that they would make him invisible, and that he could then rob banks to his heart’s content.
Courtesy of Metro
So, should he be jailed for attempted bank robbery, stupidity or both? LOL
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