Four Words

Husband's Lover

Kiss Her Neck

Wife Selfie

Vegetables

Relationships

🤗  😍 

Questions at the Zoo

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men, “Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

Sleeping Couple

The Phone

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary.  So he decided to buy her a cell phone.  He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.
 
Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
 
The next day Meg went shopping.  Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.
 
"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
 
Meg replied, "I just love it!  It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though."
 
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
 
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

Out of the Mouths of Babes...

Here's a fun giggle courtesy of our  lovely Ami's Star Song...

Some good and some really mad me smile! Hope you enjoy these observations.
(Written by kids)


1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.

Alan, age 10 

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

Kristen, age 10


2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then..

Camille, age 10


3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

Derrick, age 8



4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.

Lori, age 8



5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure?)


 On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

Martin, age 10



6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.

Pam, age 7 (Love her)



The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

Curt, age 7


The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

Howard, age 8



7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

Anita, age 9 (bless you child )



8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

Kelvin, age 8



And the #1 Favorite is...


9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.

Ricky, age 9

New Church

Here’s an oldie that I've shared before but when it came back around, I had to share it again.  Hope you enjoy.  😜

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.”


The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, “Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?”


“Pastor, I’m afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man admitted.


“What happened?” inquired the pastor.


“My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there.”


“You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church,” stated the pastor.


“That’s okay,” said the young man. “We’re not welcome at the grocery store anymore either.”

3 Wedding Nights

Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.

The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nice, nurses are known to be hot."

The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices."

The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are too strict."

The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"



Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was "Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"




Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says,

"When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get it right!'"
 

Courtesy of BabaMail

A Romantic Dinner...

Hope you enjoy this naughty giggle from Meredith's Jack !!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
 

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead.
 

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth.
 

Still, the man stared straight ahead.
 

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
 
 

The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, unfortunately she just walked in."
 

Oops!!!!!!

Doctor’s Speech

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.


'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.


However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'


After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

Man needs Brains…

1. The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

2. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

3. My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

4. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

5. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, 'Screw it, soldier on!'

6. I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30am.

7. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

8. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

9. My missus packed my bags and, as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?!"

10. I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Courtesy of Laugh in the face of EVERYTHING

Old Golfer Speaks out

Another short but very good giggle from our Meredith's Jack…

We had a power cut at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.
 

Then I discovered that my mobile phone battery was dead and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.
 

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a couple of hours.
 

She seems like a nice person.

Garden snakes can be dangerous

Here’s an oldie but very good one from our Meredith's Jack….

I didn't think twice about this tiny fellow on my baby boxwood until I got this letter:

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS . . .


Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.





Here's why.


A couple in Sweetwater, Texas , had a lot of potted plants .  During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.



It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants . When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.




She let out a very loud scream.


 The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.  She told him there was a snake under the sofa.


He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.  About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind . He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.


His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still, and called an ambulance.


The attendants, who rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.



About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher . That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.



The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake . He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.  Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief .


But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around .  She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.


The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.


The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.


The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him .  She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

 

By now, the police had arrived.

Breathe here . . .

 
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred .
They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!


The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife .


Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it . He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table . The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes .


The other police officer tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.


Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department.  The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street . The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out) .



Time passed! Both the men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world .



A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.

The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

 
And, that's when he shot her.

The Bottle of Wine

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.



As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.

The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw,studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.



'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine, I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade…'

Mouse in the House

Found this on Facebook and just had to share!

---

Okay so I've been debating whether to post this because I'm convinced people will think I'm an incapable human being at life and adulthood but I've figured they're right and I may as well.


Today I saw a mouse in my sons room.

A mouse.

Stewart Little has decided to come in my house and set up camp near my sons drawers. (Not his pants American people, his clothes drawer thing)

I saw it and I froze

And it was the kinda freeze that you feel like you shouldn't even breathe. Where your air escapes your lungs.


I'm trying to find my pulse again when my daughter decided to strut into the room with her toddler swag and I screamed no! And it wasn't just any no. It was the loudest noooooooooooooooooooooo I've ever made in my life.

So I shut the door and I leave little Jerry (Tom's mate) to his own devices.

 
I decided to call my husband because there's a mouse in the house, and when there is a mouse in the house other than blow torching the house down there isn't much in the way of rational thinking.

 
He answers the phone and I say "mouse" I stutter because I'm fucking terrified. This is no Mickey Mouse okay. This is ratatouille but smaller and he isn't making some delicious soup, he's gonna spray out pebble poo and make babies everywhere and in my sons ears and they'll crawl in my mouth... mouse in my mouth!!!

"Huh?" He says

"Mouse in house" I say still shaken

"Cat in hat" he replies.

"No babe, there's a mouse in Luca's room! You need to come home NOW and take it outside!"

"Oh Bub you just take it outside, or just kill it"

"Kill it???"

Obviously this guy hasn't seen the movie 'Witches' where the witch turns into a mouse after eating soup and gets stomped on by the chef and green pus sprays out.


"There are children in the house, your children. You need to come here. I can't save them"

He laughs. He thinks I'm joking.

This face isn't joking. This face is scared that this mouse is going to radio the rescuers and call his other mice friends to come and have a pebble poo party orgy. NOT ON MY WATCH MOUSE. Not on my watch.

But of course he can't see my face because he's on the phone.

"Okay I'm being serious there's a mouse in the house and I'm FREAKING THE F OUT" I actually did swear but I'll try and be cool in the post. Pretty sure I called the mouse the C word.


"Where is it?" He asks

"In Luca's room"

"Where?"

"I dunno I'll open the door"


I open the door so slowly...inch by inch in snail speed, so slow that I can hear my husband asking if I'm still there. Lol

And it's there. In the same spot.

"It's dead!!!!!" I shut the door.


Oh my lord the mouse is dead. I have a DEAD mouse in my house. I start to cry a little bit

"It's dead... it never had a chance to live its life"

"Babe just go scoop it up with a piece of paper and put it in the bin. I have to go to a meeting"

 
So I hung up on him. Because obviously I'm alone in this. I'm alone and I need to be the brave one... so I take a couple of swigs of whiskey and say "okay Laura, today is the day you will fight your biggest fear in life and remove a dead mouse from your house"

 
I said this about 10 times in the mirror before and slapped myself a few times before I bolted down the door and went charging in like a knight in shining armour with a piece of paper screaming like the warrior woman I am and charge up onto this dead mouse in my house and I realise ...

I realise it's not a mouse.

No, not a mouse at all...

It's a tiny leopard...

A tiny toy leopard.

 
I nod to myself and say "we shall never tell a soul about this"

My husband got home 4 hours later and asked me how I went...."I said mate, I handled that shit"

 
Well now the mouse is outta the bag...

 
Pic of the bastard in comments.

Courtesy of Laura Mazza - Mum on the Run