Try Me

Instructions

Tired

To All Hunters

God and Lawn Care

Have shared this before but when it hit my inbox, I just had to share again!  Enjoy!

You will chuckle as you read this…because as stupid as it may sound, this is exactly what we do!

GOD to ST. FRANCIS:

Frank , You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:

It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:

Grass? But, it's so boring It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

‎

ST. FRANCIS:

Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:

The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

‎

ST. FRANCIS:

Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

‎

GOD:

They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

‎

ST. FRANCIS:

Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

‎

GOD:

They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

‎

ST. FRANCIS:

No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

‎

GOD:

Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:

Yes, Sir.

GOD:

These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:

You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:

What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life. 

ST. FRANCIS:

You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away. 

‎

GOD:

No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:

After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:

And where do they get this mulch? 

‎

ST. FRANCIS:

They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:

Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight? 

‎

ST. CATHERINE:

'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about…

GOD:

Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis

Pray for Las Vegas

Sending prayers, healing energy,  and condolences to the victims, families, first responders, and to everyone who has been affected by this terrible evil.

God bless you!

What if…

Some things are easier said than done. Have you ever thought about what you would do if you found out that your spouse or significant other was cheating on you? While this is not a fun topic to think about, it’s hard to not let the “what if” thought cross your mind.
 
Chances are, you have thought about this and you have a game plan in your back pocket. You may just up and leave, or you may get so angry that you seek revenge on him/her. And oftentimes your ideal plan doesn’t go the way you expected and you end up doing the opposite. It happens.
 
 
One man did something quite different when he discovered that his wife had been cheating on him while he was away. He wrote a note to the guy she was cheating with, and this is what is said…
 

To the guy doing my wife. You know who you are. Yes I know. No I am not angry, I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife.
 
1. Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old.
 
2. You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit (god knows I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you.
 
3. If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up.
 
4. Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5 year old son believes if it’s not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recommend a better spot?
 
5. After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, I run out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty (thanks).
 
6. Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not mentally challenged.
 
7. Please stop turning the heat up, you pay nothing and MUD is putting it in my ass, my wife may like it but I think it hurts.
 
8. When she asks “do these pants make me look fat,” say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in.
 
9. Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share.
 
10. Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that I rarely have time for (soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and I try to help with school work too) has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left.
 
Lastly I would like thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentine’s Day. She was not as hungry as usual and only ordered one meal. I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become awkward if I have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don’t feel rushed.
 
P.S. I am going to take the kids to the Great Wolf Lodge on the 3rd of April for four days, I have a bottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer.



Well, there ya have it. This guy proved his point in a very creative way. It would be interesting to find out where the relationship stands now.

Courtesy of AWM

Dogs Love Us

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.








 


2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
 












3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.














 4. A dog's parents never visit.
 






 
 



5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.










6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.











 


 7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
 





 
 
 

8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"








9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.










 


10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.






 




11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.



 





And last... but not least:
 

12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

 

To test this theory...

Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour...

Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

 

Obituary in the NY Times

At first she was puzzled as she started reading this obituary in the paper.  But what followed was genius.

An obituary printed in the New York Times…

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

• Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
• Why the early bird gets the worm;
• Life isn't always fair;
• And maybe it was my fault.

 

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

 

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

 

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

 

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

 

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

 

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

 

Common Sense was preceded in death,

• by his parents, Truth and Trust,
• by his wife, Discretion,
• by his daughter, Responsibility,
• and by his son, Reason.

 

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;

• I Know My Rights
• I Want It Now
• Someone Else Is To Blame
• I'm A Victim
• Pay me for Doing Nothing

 

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

 

I removed the jpg and manually typed this in as I had several emails letting me know that it was extremely blurry and difficult to read.  Hope this helps.

Glitter

ROFLMBO! 


I’m sure you’re thinking…what a joke…thanks for the good giggle, Cat.  Gotcha!  Check it out here: http://incrediblethings.com/food/this-gold-pill-makes-you-poop-glitter/

DST Fall 2016

 
As I’ve said before, I really believe this started out as a big joke with DST meaning for Dumb and Stupid Time and the government went for it!

Moods…

Stupid People

 

Ridiculous Status Updates

15 Ridiculous Status Updates That Should Have Never Been Posted
We have to share this world with billions of other people and not all of them are going to achieve the same status as others. That is especially true when it comes to status updates, and you will be amazed with what some people are posting to twitter, Facebook and to their friends via text message.

When you see the following 15 status updates, you may just be concerned about the future of mankind. Some of them are a problem with spellcheck but others are just a problem with a lack of knowledge. Not only are they going to make you laugh, they will make you feel a lot smarter as well.

1. Seems perfectly logical

 

2. Maybe you should talk to Barry



3. Okay then



4. A mathematical genius

 
 
 
 
 
 
 









5. Do you even remember the 90s?



6. What are they?

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 







7. Time to surrender your license



8. Doesn’t sound appetizing

 
 
 
 







9. RIP to your hair


10. They might judge your spelling

 
 
 
 







11. You should call tech support


12. Uh, yeah

 
 
 
 
 
 







13. Don’t forget your map

 


14. What an amazing resemblance

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 











15. 4th

 

Courtesy of ViralSlot

Life…

Monday!