Relationship Advice

From those who should know...all questions were answered by kids, age 5-10

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED
"Eighty-four, because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8)
 
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" (Tom, 5)
 

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)
 

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" (Lynette, 9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)
 

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)
 

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)
 

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."(Christine, 9)
 

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)
 

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."(Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."(Regina, 10)
 

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)
 

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)
 

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9)
 

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)
 

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)

"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)
 

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
 

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy, 8)

Translations Gone Wrong

In the modern world, plenty of people who speak different languages meet and mix very successfully.  Given that the proposed world language, Esperanto, never did catch on, most people are left to translate their own tongue into English - often with unfortunate results.  These are some of the funniest examples of translations gone wrong you'll ever see, and a couple of them have actually resulted in something quite rude. But it's all borne out of wonderful innocence of course!

1. At least it's fresh...

 

2. Careful with that!

 

3. The Gardens of Babylon have nothing on this place...

 

4. Delicious and nutritious!

 

5. Thanks for the warning!

 

6. As long as you fall carefully, what could go wrong?

 

7. Let us help you out...

 

8. Beautifully coiffured nails anyone?

 

9. I am all for the power of reverse psychology...

 

10. I will do my very best to honor this ban!

 

11. It's Austrian muggings next door, and Swiss homicide across the road...

 

12. Follow your nostrils!

 

13. It's important to set some boundaries.

 

14. A slightly half-hearted chat up line (apparently a translation of 'You're One in a Million')

 

15. So many ways to prove I am the best!

 

16. Dreaming of watering cans and hose pipes presumably, but wait for those lawn mower nightmares!

 

17. Where most people aren't welcome

 

18. Get me in there!

 

19. A slightly specific noodles market.

 

20. This seems disconcertingly vague. I think I'd stick with the Sweet & Sour.

 

21. If it did that to the poor cow, what will it do to my stomach??

 

22. The agony of having to choose...

 

23. People with six legs and three noses may enter...

Is There a Reason Behind it All?

Nobody's day is perfect.  Life is full of disappointments and pitfalls, but if you look deep enough, you'll find that many of these little problems ultimately lead you to a better path.  After all, there is a plan for everything, and we're all part of it. So sit back, relax, and enjoy these peaceful thoughts

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today is a gift of grace.

Share something precious with someone you. 

Take 60 seconds to be nice to someone.

Rejoice in the miracles of your life. 

Identify one thing you're happy about.

Be glad you have family & friends.

What Was that For!?

A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.



 

Man: "Ow! What was that for?"

Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"


 
Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

 
The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes and begins to do work around the house.  
 

 
Three days later, he’s sitting in his chair again, reading the newspaper. She whacks him with the frying pan once again, this time even harder than she did before.
 
Man: "OW!! What was that for this time?"
 

"Your horse just called."

 
Oops!!!

High School Crush?

 

 
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.  I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.
 
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class, some 30-odd years ago.



Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.  This balding, gray-haired man was way too old to have been my classmate.

 
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Northmont high school. 
 
"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a thunderbolt," he said gleaming with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "in 1975. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!", I exclaimed.

 
He looked at me closely, then, the ugly, old, bald, wrinkle-faced, fat, gray-haired, decrepit fool asked, "What did you teach?"   
 

Dead man walking!

A Perfect Excuse

After a weekend vacation, the Sargent got to the military base only to find out that none of his soldiers made it on time.
 
It took 3 hours before they started showing up. By then he was about to explode with rage.

He decided to summon each of them to his office and get an explanation.
 
The first soldier walks in, and the Sargent asks: "Well, what's your excuse for showing up so late?"

"Sorry, sir! I can explain! You see, I was late for the bus and had to hitchhike, no cars stopped, and then suddenly, an old man driving a horse and buggy stops and offers me a ride! Well, you know, I couldn't refuse the man's kind gesture, and I got on, only it took forever to get here, and that's why I was late!"
 


"Hmmph," said the surprised Sargent, "I guess that's a reasonable explanation." and he let the soldier go.
 
He called the next soldier in and asked for his excuse.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain! You see, I was late for the bus and had to hitchhike, then this old woman with a horse and carriage stopped for me..." and the soldier tells him the same story, that he was late because the buggy was so slow.
 

One after another, all the soldiers file in and tell him the exact same story. They all felt too bad to say no, and were late as a consequence.

 

The last soldier than walks in, and the Sargent, now quite angry, says: "I suppose you hitch-hiked too?" His voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Yes sir!"

"And I suppose you also got a ride?"

"Yes sir!"

"And I suppose it was on a horse and buggy?"

"No sir!"

"No???" asked the surprised Sargent.

"No sir, it was a 2014 Mercedes, sir!"

"Then why the heck were you late??" Shouted the Sargent.


"We tried to make good time sir," answered the soldier apologetically, "but the road was completely blocked with horses and buggies!"

The Benefactor

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While enroute home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. 
 
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! 
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. 
 
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it ! I lied when I told you I inherited money:
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season tickets.
HE paid for our house on the lake.
HE paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
 
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?' 
 
The cabby replies, 'Me? I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold!!'

Dueling Obits

Two obituaries for the same man were printed in the same edition of the a newspaper. One was written by his wife, the other by his girlfriend!


 
In the top one, Leroy Black is survived by his ‘loving wife, Bearetta Harrison Black…’
 
In the bottom one, he is survived by his ‘…long-time girlfriend, Princess Hall.’ Note that is wife is not even mentioned by name. Guess she’s part of the “…host of other family…”
 
Can we say ‘tacky!’?

Beer Logic

If you've ever wondered what the heck 'Beer Logic' is all about, I think this joke explains it in the best way possible: 

By making you laugh!  Enjoy your sneak peek into a drinking man's logic. 

The Pope and the Beggar

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.

One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

 
The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. He feels sorry for him.


 

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!"

 
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!