Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Out of the Mouths of Babes
I have previously shared some of these and some are new but all are funny…at least I think so! 
Monday, February 15, 2016
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Saturday, February 13, 2016
The Valentine Gift
Friday, February 12, 2016
Shopping for Groceries
There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast.
The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
What were you thinking?
Hellooo, her husband speaks English!!!
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast.
The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
What were you thinking?
Hellooo, her husband speaks English!!!
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
The Wager
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He looks around and notices that at the far end there's a horse tethered to a rope and a big tub full of money sitting next to it. He finds this curious so he leans over the bar and gets the bartenders attention, asking him what that's all about.
"Well, " Says the bartender, "For a dollar you can enter our special contest. If you can make the horse laugh, you win all the money in the tub."
The guy arches an eyebrow and nods "I'll play that" he answers the bartender and tosses his dollar into the tub before walking up to the horse. He then leans over and whispers something in the horses ear. The beast looks at him, eyes him up and down and starts to laugh, he's laughing so hard that tears are rolling down his cheeks.
The cowboy, naturally, buys everyone a drink and pockets whatever is left over, then leaves the bar after he's had his drink.
A week later he returns to the same bar. Again, there's the horse and the tub full of money and the cowboy asks the bartender if he has to get the horse to laugh again.
"No no no, my friend." the bartender starts "Since making the horse laugh already worked, we've got a new challenge. He's been chuckling now and then ever since you left last week, so this time the challenge is making him cry."
The cowboy rubs his chin and hmms, pondering "Is it ok if I take him out back for a second?"
The bartender considers this, but is curious how this cowboy, who made the horse laugh so hard last week, is going to do this and nods "Alright, just as long don't hurt him, that'd be cheating."
The cowboy nods and tosses his dollar in the tub again, unties the horse and leads it out. A few moments later they come back in and the horse is crying its eyes out. It's bawling so hard even some of the other patrons are starting to look sad.
So the cowboy gets everyone a round of drinks again and begins to pocket the leftover cash and while he's doing this, the bartender leans over towards him.
"Friend...you HAVE to tell me what you did. Last week you got him to laugh so hard we couldn't shut him up, and now you just go out and come back in and he's crying like a kid who dropped his candy. Tell me your secret."
The cowboy turns to the bartender and grins, leaning back "I'll tell you..." he starts "Last week I told the horse my pecker was bigger than his...Today I showed him."
Oh my…
"Well, " Says the bartender, "For a dollar you can enter our special contest. If you can make the horse laugh, you win all the money in the tub."
The guy arches an eyebrow and nods "I'll play that" he answers the bartender and tosses his dollar into the tub before walking up to the horse. He then leans over and whispers something in the horses ear. The beast looks at him, eyes him up and down and starts to laugh, he's laughing so hard that tears are rolling down his cheeks.
The cowboy, naturally, buys everyone a drink and pockets whatever is left over, then leaves the bar after he's had his drink.
A week later he returns to the same bar. Again, there's the horse and the tub full of money and the cowboy asks the bartender if he has to get the horse to laugh again.
"No no no, my friend." the bartender starts "Since making the horse laugh already worked, we've got a new challenge. He's been chuckling now and then ever since you left last week, so this time the challenge is making him cry."
The cowboy rubs his chin and hmms, pondering "Is it ok if I take him out back for a second?"
The bartender considers this, but is curious how this cowboy, who made the horse laugh so hard last week, is going to do this and nods "Alright, just as long don't hurt him, that'd be cheating."
The cowboy nods and tosses his dollar in the tub again, unties the horse and leads it out. A few moments later they come back in and the horse is crying its eyes out. It's bawling so hard even some of the other patrons are starting to look sad.
So the cowboy gets everyone a round of drinks again and begins to pocket the leftover cash and while he's doing this, the bartender leans over towards him.
"Friend...you HAVE to tell me what you did. Last week you got him to laugh so hard we couldn't shut him up, and now you just go out and come back in and he's crying like a kid who dropped his candy. Tell me your secret."
The cowboy turns to the bartender and grins, leaning back "I'll tell you..." he starts "Last week I told the horse my pecker was bigger than his...Today I showed him."
Oh my…
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
Monday, February 8, 2016
Golfing Nun
A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asked the Mother Superior. ‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’
‘It was,’ sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’
‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?’
‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’
‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must tell me all about it!’
‘Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother – 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight !’
‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!’
‘No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister. ‘While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!’
‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized the Mother.
‘But I didn’t, Mother!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!’
‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.
‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!’
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…
‘You missed the f***ing putt, didn’t you?’
‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asked the Mother Superior. ‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’
‘It was,’ sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’
‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?’
‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’
‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must tell me all about it!’
‘Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster, Mother – 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight !’
‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!’
‘No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister. ‘While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!’
‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized the Mother.
‘But I didn’t, Mother!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!’
‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.
‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!’
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…
‘You missed the f***ing putt, didn’t you?’
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