Hilarious Signs

15 Hilarious Signs That Will Have You in Stitches

Budget Conscious…Besides, you will share better stories during therapy sessions if you already had a glass or two.

 

Fed Up…Better you go home, play video game, come back after 4 hour. 

 

Bad Influence…Timing is the key or else you just might end up at the next stop, which is 

Bring on the Pain…Well, you know what they say about payback.

 

Compelling…This happens when you tell the sign guy to come up with something compelling.

 

Choices…Everyone has to make that one vital choice at some point.

 

Trust…Men will be surprised how women will easily trust the message on this sign.

 

Sure Deal…No one can argue this deal as being fake.

 

Compassion…This just may be a strong argument against climate change.

 

Read Carefully…Sometimes folks just ignore the text printed at the bottom.

 

Why in the World?…This was supposed to be a creative, feel-good sign.

 

In Memoriam…Things that just may be the stuff you are looking for.

 

Foot In, Foot Out…Admit it. You sang the hokey pokey in your head.

 

No Point in Arguing Just telling it like it is.

Courtesy of egokick

Golfing Accident

Meredith’s Jack over at New Twist, After All These Years is at it again. It’s an oldie but definitely a goodie.    Hope you enjoy!

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A golfer in Ireland hooks his drive into the woods. While searching for his ball, he finds a little Leprechaun lying flat on his back, a bump on his head and golf ball beside him.
 
Horrified, the golfer gets his water bottle from the cart and pours it over the little guy, reviving him.
 
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
 
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
 
 
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddye want?'
 
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief.  'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'  He then go walks off.
 
 

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. ' I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want...a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
 
 

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
 

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. 'I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
 
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, ye know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
 
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'
 
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
 
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

'C'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'
 
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
 
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'
 
 
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

New Year’s Day 2016!!!!

Train of Life

At birth we boarded the train and met our parents, and we believe they will always travel on our side. However, at some station our parents will step down from the train, leaving us on this journey alone.
 
As time goes by, other people will board the train; and they will be significant (i.e., our siblings, friends, children, and even the love of our life). Many will step down and leave a permanent vacuum. Others will go so unnoticed that we don't realize they vacated their seats.
 
This train ride will be full of joy, sorrow, fantasy, expectations, hellos, goodbyes, and farewells. Success consists of having a good relationship with all passengers requiring that we give the best of ourselves.
 
The mystery to everyone is:
We do not know at which station we ourselves will step down. We must live in the best way, love, forgive, and offer the best of who we are. It is important to do this because when the time comes for us to step down and leave our seat empty, we should leave behind beautiful memories for those who will continue to travel on the train of life.
 
I wish you a joyful journey on the train of life. Reap success and give lots of love. Lastly, I THANK YOU for being one of the passengers on my train.

Happy New Year 2016!!!!!

Aunty Acid Mugs!

 

 

 

Donated Blood

An Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery.  Prior to the procedure, the doctors needed to store some blood in case the need arose. 

 
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood and couldn't be found locally, the call went out for donors.  Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.  The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
 


After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman, in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, several diamonds and $250,000.
 



A few weeks later the Arab had to go through some corrective surgery.  His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate blood again.
 
 

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
 


The Scotsman was shocked that the Sheik did not reciprocate his kind gesture in the way that he had anticipated.
 

He phoned the Sheik and said to him, "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
 



"Aye laddie," the Sheik replied, "because I now have Scottish blood in ma veins."

Dinner Prayer

At dinner, a little boy was asked to lead in prayer.
 

BOY: “But I don’t know how to pray.”
 

DAD: “Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.”
 

BOY: “Okay.”
 


BOY: “Dear Lord, thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream.  Bless them so they won’t come again.”

“Forgive our neighbor’s son, who removed my sister’s clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.”

“This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy’s Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom’s room when daddy is at work.”

“AMEN.”


 
Dinner was cancelled.

 

Moral of the story…Be careful what you ask children to say!

Honeymoon!

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy.



The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".


The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".


The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".




The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.


6:00 a.m. The phone rings it's the nurse's husband wanting breakfast.


The nurse's husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse."

The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you're not sanitary, you're not sanitary"

.

Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.



6:30 a.m. The telephone operator's husband calls for breakfast.


Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.

Joe asks, "What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as their voices."

The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."

 

Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.


4:30 p.m. The teacher's husband called for breakfast. Joe can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room.


The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.

Joe fearing the worst asked "What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"

The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher.



All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying, "We are going to do this over and over, until we get right."

Italian Men

Vinnie, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up.



The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Vinnie, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'





"Well" says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive.

How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old" says Vinnie.



"In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too."



"Well" the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that.

How about your father's father?

How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my Nonno's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"





"He's 118 years old" says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point. "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today." At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?"





"Who said he wanted to get married?"

The 12 Days of Christmas

Merry Christmas!  Hope you enjoy the giggle...

December 25th

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

***

December 26th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes

***

December 27th

Dear John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.

Love Agnes

***

December 28th

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes

***

December 29th

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes

***

December 30th

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

Cordially, Agnes

***

December 31st

John:

What's with you and those birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird do-do all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY So stop with those birds.

Sincerely, Agnes

***

January 1st

OK Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. .

Agnes.

***

January 2nd

Hey:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And do they play! They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.

From Ag

***

January 3rd

You Creep!

Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.

One who means it, Ag

***

January 4th

Listen Idiot:

What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister

***

January 5th (From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

-Merry Christmas.