Wisdom Comes With Age

Another fun giggle from Meredith's Jack.  Enjoy!

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A mother decided one Christmas that she wasn’t going to remind her kids any longer of their need to write thank-you notes.

The result of this was that Granddad never received any thank you’s for the very generous cheques he’d written to the kids.

However, the following year, things were different.

“All the kids came over personally to thank me” said Granddad, in a triumphant manner.

“That’s great,” said his daughter, “why do you think they decided to change their behaviour?”

“Well, that’s easy,” declared Granddad, “this year I didn’t sign the cheques...”

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An old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg.

“I am afraid it’s just old age,” replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.”

“That can’t be,” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing .”

“How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor.

“Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”

Weird Things Some Guys Do

21 Weird Things Almost All Guys Do But Don't Realize. As Told By Women.

21 women recently answered the question, "What are some weird things that almost every guy does but doesn't realize."

The results are hilarious.

1. The pants slap. Slapping his pockets before he leaves the house to ensure his wallet and phone are there.

2. Lowering his voice by an octave when talking to his dad on the phone.

3. When you ask him a question and he can't decide whether he should answer with a lie, he'll say "what?" to buy more time.

4. Conversely, raising his voice by an octave when trying to sound polite or empathetic.

5. Bonding with other guys by hating each other's interests.

6. Grimacing while he struggles to pull his wallet from his back pocket while sitting down.

7. Not washing his bed sheets for long periods of time. Like, months.

8. Taking SO LONG to poop. Really, what's going in there? Did you fall in? Is it a Narnia situation?

9. Taking his shirt off by pulling the neck hole over his head.

10. When hugging another man, clapping them on the back twice.

11. Keeping large amounts of change around his room in some form. Usually in a container or scattered around the floor.

12. Asking how long they need to put something in the microwave.

13. Snot rockets in the shower.

14. Liking sports teams and musicians. They'll almost beat each other up over how bad the other team's players are, but afterward they want to see each other again and are weirdly satisfied.

15. Making weird faces while playing video games, especially when stuck or rapid firing.

16. Peeing on the sides of the toilet so it makes less noise.

17. Being able to sit in the same place and not talk.

18. The condiment slam. They don't simply set the nearly empty ketchup bottle on its lid for a gravity assist. Instead, they'll slam it against the counter like it just insulted their mother.

19. The awkward crab sideways step when trying to unstick their balls from their thigh.

20. When they don't know each other but are thrown into a social situation together (like a double date), they instantly become besties and have a sort of secret bro-handshake every guy seems to know.

21. Sticking a hand down their pants while watching TV. No reason, really. Just 'cause…

Courtesy of Laugh in the face of EVERYTHING

God and Lawn Care

Have shared this before but when it hit my inbox, I just had to share again!  Enjoy!

You will chuckle as you read this…because as stupid as it may sound, this is exactly what we do!

GOD to ST. FRANCIS:

Frank , You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:

It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:

Grass? But, it's so boring It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

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ST. FRANCIS:

Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:

The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

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ST. FRANCIS:

Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

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GOD:

They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

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ST. FRANCIS:

Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

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GOD:

They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

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ST. FRANCIS:

No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

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GOD:

Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:

Yes, Sir.

GOD:

These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:

You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:

What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life. 

ST. FRANCIS:

You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away. 

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GOD:

No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:

After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:

And where do they get this mulch? 

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ST. FRANCIS:

They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:

Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight? 

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ST. CATHERINE:

'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about…

GOD:

Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis

The Key

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."


Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful…the woman remained young looking and vibrant..

 
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.


"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."


The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."


She said, "No point asking about the beard then…"

The $5.37 Taco Bell Meal

Shared a version of this giggle last year but it’s so funny that when Meredith's Jack sent it, I couldn’t resist posting again.  

 
$5.37!
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. 

I dug into my pocket + pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.

Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to  the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
"Only $4.68 " he  said  cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet?
A mere child!
Senior citizen?
 
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind?
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil.
Old?
Me?

I'll show him, I thought.

 
I opened the door & headed back inside.  I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with  a smile.  
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted!
What am I now?
A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind!

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck.
I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn.
What  now?
I checked my keys and tried another.
Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus:
The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten donut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
 
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.

That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!
My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time.
There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish.
All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"?

At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue.  
 
I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention.
He was holding up a drink and a bag.
His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words:
"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."  
 
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.
 
Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.
And no, I told the officer, "I'm not too old to be driving this fast."
 
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall.
I handed her a bag of cold food + a $300 speeding ticket.
 
I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.

Pass this on to other "old fogies" on your list

(so they can have fun laughing, too).

Notice the larger type?

That's for those of us who have trouble reading.

 

P.S. Save the earth...It's the only planet with chocolate !!!!!

Marine Corp Physical

When his son refused to get a job, the father insisted he join the Marine Corps.

At the physical, the Doctor directed the reluctant recruit to read the eye chart across the room.

“What chart doc?” the young man asked.

“The one on the wall!” the doctor said.

“What wall?” said the young man.

Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands, and wanting to fill the quota, the doctor asked his nurse to strip down and walk into the exam room.

“Now what do you see son?”

“Doc, I can’t see a thing, I’m as blind as a bat.”

“Well, you may not see anything,” the doctor said, “but your dick is pointing straight towards Parris Island, South Carolina.”

“Welcome to the U.S. Marine Corps.”

Sometimes

Epitaphs

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:  Born 1903--Died 1942.

Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. 

It was.

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In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist, 

All dressed up and no place to go.

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On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.  

Only the good die young.

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In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid 

But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

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In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace

The children of Israel wanted bread, 

And the Lord sent them manna. 

Clark Wallace wanted a wife, 

And the Devil sent him Anna.

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In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast.  

Pardon him for not rising.

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In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake, 

Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

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In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays The Kid, 

We planted him raw.  

He was quick on the trigger, 

But slow on the draw.

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A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange.

Here lies an honest lawyer, and that is Strange.

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John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art in want of any, 

Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

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In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

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Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:

Here lies the body of our Anna, Done to death by a banana.  

It wasn't the fruit that laid her low, 

But the skin of the thing that made her go.

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On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees, 

Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.  

He is not here, there's only the pod, 

Pease shelled out and went to God.

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THIS ONE IS EXTREMELY WELL WRITTEN:-

In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by, 

As you are now, so once was I.  

As I am now, so shall you be, 

Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent, 

Until I know which way you went.

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And the final one...

On a tombstone in Boothill Cemetery, Tombstone, Arizona:

Here lies Lester Moore, 

Four slugs from a 44, 

No Les, 

No more.

Two Italian Men

Another very fun oldie from Meredith's Jack!

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.  They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first,
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!", she retorted indignantly.

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi .'

$10.00 says you're gonna read this again!

Happy Thanksgiving 2017