TIMBUKTU

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists…
a Yale graduate and a redneck from Kentucky.

They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was " Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

"Slowly across the desert sand

trekked a lonely caravan. 

Men on camels, two-by-two destination…

Timbuktu."

The crowd went crazy!  No way could the redneck top that, they thought.

But the redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

"Me and Tim a-huntin went,

met three whores in a pop up tent.

They was three, and we was two,

so I bucked one, and Timbuktu."

The Yale grad is appealing the judge's final decision.

Note: For those of you who didn't understand,  'buck' can be a slang term here in the US (at least in my neck of the woods) for 'f*ck'. Thank you Lisa for suggesting I explain.

The Pharmacist's Morning...

Arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
 
Tearfully she explained, "It's the Pharmacist, he insulted me this morning. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
 

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
 

Before he could say more than a word or two, the Pharmacist told him,
 
"Now, just a minute, listen to my side, this morning the alarm failed to go off, I was late getting up, went without breakfast, hurried out to the car, realize I had locked the house with both house and car keys inside, had to break a window to get my keys."

"Driving a little too fast, received a speeding ticket, when three blocks from the store, had a flat tire."

"When finally arriving at the store, numerous people were waiting for me, opened the store, started waiting on customers, all that time, phone was constantly ringing."

"Had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, they spilled all over the floor, got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, the phone was still ringing.”

“When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with perfume bottles on it, half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing, I finally got back to answer it, it was your wife, she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.”
 
“Believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her." 

 

Aha Moment

This is a bit long but definitely worth the read.

Courtesy of Hrtwarming

Anything sound familiar?

Really makes ya think doesn’t it.

Draft Age

Man Posts Best Response Ever After Being Rejected By The Military. This Is Priceless.
An elderly dude, aged 62, puts up a good argument as to why the military should raise the minimum age to join the military to 35 instead of recruiting 18-year-olds. The argument he makes will blow your mind (and make you laugh a little).

Courtesy of Hrtwarming

God’s First Name

The day finally arrived…Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. St. Peter says, “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you.  We have heard a lot about you.  I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone.  The test is short and you have to pass before you can get into heaven.

1. What days of the week begin with the letter T?
2. How many seconds are there in a year? 
3. What is God’s first name?”

 
Forrest says, “Well, the first one – how many days in the week begin with the letter “T”?  That one’s easy.  That’d be Today and Tomorrow.”
 
The Saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims “Forrest, that’s not what I was thinking, but…I’ll give you credit for that answer.
 
 
“How about the second one?” asks St. Peter. “How many seconds in a year?”
“Now that one’s harder,” says Forrest, “but I thunk and thunk and guess the only answer can be twelve.”
 
Astounded, St. Peter says, “Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”
“Shucks, there’s gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd.”
 
“Hold it,” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you’re going with this, and I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let’s go on with the next and final question.”
 
“Can you tell me God’s first name?”
“Sure” Forrest replied, “IT”S ANDY.”
 
“Andy?!” exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. “Okay, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?”

“That was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied. “I learnt it from the song…
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.”
 
St. Peter opens the Pearly Gates and said: “Run, Forrest, run.”

Courtesy of Sun Gazing

Should I Really Join Face book?

Read it all the way through!  It's a good laugh! AND really quite true!

A good laugh for people in the over 60 group!

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Face book and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Face book, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way.  I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation.  I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library.  I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive.  I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble, talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me.  I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating."  You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me.  She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then, if I made a right turn instead.  Well, it was not a good relationship...

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house.  We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me.  They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.  You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.  I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me..

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?"  I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."
   
Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet.  I answered, "No, but I do fart a lot."

P.S. I know most of you are not over 60. I sent it to you to allow you to forward  it to those who are. I figured your sense of humour could handle it.

We senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

4 letter word

There are times when the 4 letter "F" word is not only desirable, but quite frankly it can be the ONLY word in the English language that accurately describes some situations.

Can we all say our ‘F’ word together?

 

 




 
 
 

One…
 
 


Two…
 
 


Three…

 

FEAR!

 
 

Good gravy people…the word is 'FEAR'!
 

And just what word were you thinking????
 

Negative Energy

Great points for those times when you get down.
 
7 Things to Keep in Mind When Negative Energy Surrounds You:
 
Find the Source of the Negative Energy
Question your thoughts and the thoughts influencing you. Before you can take action to decrease the negativity that surrounds you, you must question the negative energy to find the source of it. Once you do that, you can begin to remove yourself from the emotion surrounding you.
 
Simply trying to eliminate negative energy doesn’t do much for the reason it’s present in the first place. If you don’t get to the heart of the matter it is likely to keep recurring, so keep questioning until you do.
 
Focus on Solutions
The next logical step in questioning and understanding the negative energy around you is to focus on how to eradicate it, and prevent it in the future.
 
Why focus on the solution?
The answer is simple: you end up receiving more of what you focus on. With that basic principle in mind, it makes sense to focus on the solution rather than the negative energy and problems associated with it.
 
Surround Yourself with Positive People
Every day we come in contact with a variety of different people. Some of these people make us happier, and others may have the opposite effect. Who we allow to influence us is up to us and choosing to spend more time with positive people will help prevent a buildup of negative energy around us.
 
Accept Possibility and Release Expectation
Happy people aren’t happy because bad things don’t happen to them, they are happy because they know how to handle the bad things better. Someone who is happy has similar challenges to those that are not happy. The difference is that they release expectation of what might happen, and focus to create their best possible situation – no matter whether it ends up good or bad.
 
Knowing that life could deal you some good cards and some bad ones, and releasing expectation makes it easier to work through situations because you are ready to accept whatever happens. The key is not dwell in situations where negative energy surrounds you and take action right away to move back into a positive space.
 
Show Yourself Compassion
No matter how bad things get, remember that the negative energy around you isn’t always about you. While you are responsible for the energy you create, the burden of negative energy of others shouldn’t be carried on your shoulders.
See the importance of this distinction, because if you can separate yourself from the negative energy of others, you can focus on getting to the heart of the matter logically, without allowing the emotion to latch onto you.
 
Focus
Sometimes when negative energy is coming at us from all directions, we have a hard time knowing what to do. It is so intense that it can paralyze us into inaction. Instead of tackling the big ball of negativity all at once, try doing one small thing. Just one.
Doing one thing will crack open a space in the negative energy for the positive to begin to shine. That little bit of positive will begin to build and your motivation to do more “things” will propel you to eliminating the harmful energy.
 
Accept It or Let It Go
With everything in our lives, whether positive or negative, we have two choices: to accept it or let it go. Accepting it means accepting the negative source to the point where you can begin to move through it. It doesn’t mean you are committed to allowing the negative energy to remain in and influence your life. Accepting it means handling the challenge and creating change.
 
When negative energy surrounds you, it’s obvious that change is needed. That doesn’t mean change will immediately occur or solve the problem. If the negativity persists you may see that it has become a toxic cycle that no longer serves you, and have to come to terms with letting it go.
 
In the end, you have to do what is right for you and your mental well-being and overall happiness. It isn’t easy to let go of things that used to matter. When they aren’t serving your highest good anymore and possibly even harming you, what choice do you have?
Become aware of the messages you are receiving throughout the day. Find the sources of negative messages and begin to eliminate them from your daily routine.  Learn to recognize the type of unhealthy thinking you are most likely to encounter. Start having an inner dialogue about how to handle these situations now, before you are in the moment. Knowing how you will handle the situation before it occurs, will help you when the time comes.
 
How do you keep your head clear when negative energy surrounds you?

Courtesy of Power of Positivity

Where Did You Come From?

Here’s an oldie hope you enjoy… 
 
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,
"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
 
The old man didn't budge.
 

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there
I'm going to have to call the manager."
 

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.
 

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.
 

Finally they summoned the police.
 

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
 
"Fred," the old man moaned.
 
"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
 
With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving...

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Fred replied; "The balcony"!

The Dedicated Nurse

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.

 
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse,' he mumbles from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies: 'I don't know,Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

 
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

 
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.  She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

 
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them!!'

 
The man weakly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says, very slowly:  'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely…

 

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?'