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Friday, September 29, 2017
♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
♦ I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
♦ A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.
We'll see about that.
♦ You're not fat, you're just…easier to see.
♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
Thursday, September 28, 2017
Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water-cooler the next morning.
When Veronica came in with a horrible hangover after partying all night, she went directly to the cooler to take an aspirin. I approached her and said, "Veronica, I’ve never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”
"Could you jack-off for now?" she replied. "I feel like shit. If you can wait, I'll do you at lunchtime.”
…I had to let Jack go.
Wednesday, September 27, 2017
He'll brush the hair out of your eyes. Send you flowers when you least expect it.
He'll call to say goodnight or just 'cause he's missing you.
He'll look you in your eyes and tell you, 'you're the most beautiful girl in the world'
and for the first time in you're life, you'll believe it." - Nicholas Sparks
A woman's highest calling is to lead man to his soul, as to unite him with Source...
A man's highest calling is to protect woman, so she can walk the earth unharmed - Cherokee Proverb
"All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to her that they are not all the same" - Marilyn Monroe
Tuesday, September 26, 2017
We had a power cut at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.
Then I discovered that my mobile phone battery was dead and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a couple of hours.
She seems like a nice person.
Monday, September 25, 2017
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
Sunday, September 24, 2017
Saturday, September 23, 2017
This life certainly likes to push us to our limits, but sometimes, it all seems like too much and we fall into a black abyss of despair and hopelessness.
Feeling broken doesn’t mean that you should just give up entirely, however; it just means you need to take a step back and let those feelings come to the surface.
We all feel broken from time to time, because life can seem heartbreaking and terrifying when we go through certain experiences. These life lessons only make us stronger and more capable of dealing with life, though, so use your brokenness as a gift that will help you grow as a person.
HERE ARE 8 THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN YOU FEEL BROKEN:
1. REMEMBER THAT CRACKS ALLOW LIGHT TO COME IN.
If you didn’t become broken from time to time, there would be no place for the light to enter your soul. Basically, it takes awful, heart-wrenching experiences for us to see all the good in the world sometimes, and for us to go through a transformation of the soul. If we just had positive, uplifting experiences all the time, we would have no room to grow and no life experiences that would challenge us to become more resilient, powerful people.
You can’t expect life to grant you an easy ride; if it did, you would miss out on life-changing experiences that would break you open, tear you apart, and rebuild you into a better version of yourself. Many parts of ourselves open up when we feel broken, so remember this any time you feel exhausted and utterly shattered by life.
2. REMEMBER TO ACCEPT AND HONOR YOUR FEELINGS; DON’T FIGHT THEM.
Don’t feel bad for having negative or heavy emotions; if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be human. Certain experiences warrant a strong reaction from us, and sometimes that means crying, screaming, falling to our knees, and just accepting the waves of emotion that come over us. Keeping all of this balled up inside will only backfire in the end, so don’t ever keep your feelings hidden for fear of other people’s reactions. Fighting off your feelings will only delay the breakdown, and you’ll walk around feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders. You must walk bravely into the place within you that harbors these deep emotions, so you can begin to work through them and figure out what they want you to take from all you’ve been through.
3. KEEP REMEMBERING YOUR “WHY.”
During hardships, we often forget what we even want from life in the first place. We all came here to love with all of our hearts, and increase the vibration of this planet in unison. When you feel broken, you can easily overlook or forget your mission here on Earth, but going through hard times actually gives your purpose more depth. If you didn’t go through unpleasant experiences, you wouldn’t be able to relate to so many other people on this planet who go through hard times almost every day. Keep your “why” in mind, and reflect on how the negative situations you’ve encountered allow you to have a more well-rounded perspective and better serve your purpose on Earth.
4. REMEMBER EVERYTHING THAT EXISTS BEYOND YOUR BROKENNESS.
Just because you feel broken, does not mean the whole world shares your perspective. It does not mean the entire planet must go down in flames because of one bad day or experience you had, so remember to broaden your perspective next time you go through bad times. Think of the fact that you still get to breathe fresh air, see the clouds float by on a sunny day, feel the wind on your skin, smile at a stranger..think of all these beautiful little things you can still do even though you feel broken. Remember all of the good things happening on the planet despite your temporary slump, and the whole world won’t look like such a dark place anymore.
5. REMEMBER THE FRIENDS AND FAMILY THAT ARE THERE FOR SUPPORT.
When you feel down and out about life, your friends and family will comfort you and be your rock when you need them. Don’t hesitate to ask them for help, because we all need some assistance when we go through a rough patch in life. If you feel like a burden on them, just remember all the times you were there for them; the people who care about you would gladly do the same for you.
6. REMEMBER TO FOCUS ON THE THINGS THAT BRING YOU JOY.
So often when we feel broken, we focus our attention entirely on our despair and forget about the things that bring us happiness. Go out and get some sunshine, plant some flowers, ride your bike, catch up with friends over coffee, or simply anything on this Earth that makes your heart light up with joy. Just because you feel broken, doesn’t mean you have to spend every waking minute of your life mulling over your feelings and wallowing in a sea of turmoil.
7. DON’T IDENTIFY SO MUCH WITH YOUR FEELINGS.
Remember that you don’t really own your feelings or thoughts; they just come and go as they please, and you just get to watch them make an appearance, even if you didn’t invite them in. Think about this: you consciously invite friends and family over to your house, but you don’t knock on the doors of your emotions and give them an invitation to your brain. It just doesn’t work that way, so remember that you don’t have to identify with your feelings. You are SO much more than your temporary emotions, so don’t let them control you.
8. REMEMBER THAT LIFE IS A SERIES OF UPS AND DOWNS, AND THIS IS ONLY TEMPORARY.
Just like your emotions, this whole ride we have been thrown onto since birth only exists for a short while. We take it so seriously, yet overlook the fact that we don’t get to spend forever in this existence. Enjoy it while it lasts; yes, even the hardships and despair, because when you look back on your life, you will thank your brokenness just as much as your happiness for all it taught you on your own personal journey.
Friday, September 22, 2017
Thursday, September 21, 2017
Two well-dressed lawyers went to an expensive restaurant…ordered 2 coffees and then took out sandwiches from their briefcases to eat.
Waitress: Sorry Sir!! But you can't eat your OWN food here...it’s against the rules.
The lawyers quietly looked at each other and EXCHANGED their sandwiches and continued their meals!!!
You can trust lawyers to find loopholes in any rules…
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
Tuesday, September 19, 2017
I didn't think twice about this tiny fellow on my baby boxwood until I got this letter:
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS . . .
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas , had a lot of potted plants . During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants . When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind . He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still, and called an ambulance.
The attendants, who rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher . That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake . He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief .
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around . She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him . She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here . . .
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred .
They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife .
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it . He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table . The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes .
The other police officer tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street . The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out) .
Time passed! Both the men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world .
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.
The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And, that's when he shot her.
Monday, September 18, 2017
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw,studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine, I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
Sunday, September 17, 2017
Okay so I've been debating whether to post this because I'm convinced people will think I'm an incapable human being at life and adulthood but I've figured they're right and I may as well.
Today I saw a mouse in my sons room.
Stewart Little has decided to come in my house and set up camp near my sons drawers. (Not his pants American people, his clothes drawer thing)
I saw it and I froze
And it was the kinda freeze that you feel like you shouldn't even breathe. Where your air escapes your lungs.
I'm trying to find my pulse again when my daughter decided to strut into the room with her toddler swag and I screamed no! And it wasn't just any no. It was the loudest noooooooooooooooooooooo I've ever made in my life.
So I shut the door and I leave little Jerry (Tom's mate) to his own devices.
I decided to call my husband because there's a mouse in the house, and when there is a mouse in the house other than blow torching the house down there isn't much in the way of rational thinking.
He answers the phone and I say "mouse" I stutter because I'm fucking terrified. This is no Mickey Mouse okay. This is ratatouille but smaller and he isn't making some delicious soup, he's gonna spray out pebble poo and make babies everywhere and in my sons ears and they'll crawl in my mouth... mouse in my mouth!!!
"Huh?" He says
"Mouse in house" I say still shaken
"Cat in hat" he replies.
"No babe, there's a mouse in Luca's room! You need to come home NOW and take it outside!"
"Oh Bub you just take it outside, or just kill it"
Obviously this guy hasn't seen the movie 'Witches' where the witch turns into a mouse after eating soup and gets stomped on by the chef and green pus sprays out.
"There are children in the house, your children. You need to come here. I can't save them"
He laughs. He thinks I'm joking.
This face isn't joking. This face is scared that this mouse is going to radio the rescuers and call his other mice friends to come and have a pebble poo party orgy. NOT ON MY WATCH MOUSE. Not on my watch.
But of course he can't see my face because he's on the phone.
"Okay I'm being serious there's a mouse in the house and I'm FREAKING THE F OUT" I actually did swear but I'll try and be cool in the post. Pretty sure I called the mouse the C word.
"Where is it?" He asks
"In Luca's room"
"I dunno I'll open the door"
I open the door so slowly...inch by inch in snail speed, so slow that I can hear my husband asking if I'm still there. Lol
And it's there. In the same spot.
"It's dead!!!!!" I shut the door.
Oh my lord the mouse is dead. I have a DEAD mouse in my house. I start to cry a little bit
"It's dead... it never had a chance to live its life"
"Babe just go scoop it up with a piece of paper and put it in the bin. I have to go to a meeting"
So I hung up on him. Because obviously I'm alone in this. I'm alone and I need to be the brave one... so I take a couple of swigs of whiskey and say "okay Laura, today is the day you will fight your biggest fear in life and remove a dead mouse from your house"
I said this about 10 times in the mirror before and slapped myself a few times before I bolted down the door and went charging in like a knight in shining armour with a piece of paper screaming like the warrior woman I am and charge up onto this dead mouse in my house and I realise ...
I realise it's not a mouse.
No, not a mouse at all...
It's a tiny leopard...
A tiny toy leopard.
I nod to myself and say "we shall never tell a soul about this"
My husband got home 4 hours later and asked me how I went...."I said mate, I handled that shit"
Well now the mouse is outta the bag...
Pic of the bastard in comments.
Saturday, September 16, 2017
Friday, September 15, 2017
We may laugh but it will come to this as they already know more than enough about our life now.
Hello! Gordon's Pizza?
No sir, it is Google Pizza.
So, I have the wrong number?
No sir, Google bought Gordon's Pizza.
OK. Take my order please…
Well sir, you want the usual?
The usual? How do you know me?
According to your caller ID, the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheese, sausage, thick crust…
OK! OK! That's it.
Sir, may I suggest to you this time ricotta cheese, arugula with sun-dried tomatoes?
No, I hate vegetables.
But your cholesterol is high!
How do you know?
Through the Lab subscriber's guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
Okay, but I want my regular pizza, I already take medicine.
But sir, you have not taken your medicine regularly. Four months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Drugsale Network.
I bought more from another drugstore.
It is not showing on your credit card.
I paid in cash.
But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement.
I have other sources of cash.
This is not showing on your last Income-Tax return, unless you got it from an undeclared source.
WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without Wi-Fi or internet. Where there are no cell phones or satellites to spy on me.
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport, as it has expired 5 weeks ago!
Thursday, September 14, 2017
Wednesday, September 13, 2017
“Respect is not an option in a relationship. It is a requirement.” ~ Anon.
Respect is defined as “a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.”
People with qualities that are “good, valuable, or important” is another way of describing respect.
Respecting someone’s humanity is perhaps the best kind of respect we can give (and receive.) How much more, then, should we respect someone who has given us their heart?
Regarding respect and relationships, it isn’t possible to have one without the other. The two qualities are mutually inclusive in every healthy relationship.
In this article, we list and discuss 11 signs that the man you’re in a relationship with respects you. (This writer can imagine the number of Facebook tags this one’s gonna get!)
Let’s get started!
1. HE IS ENCOURAGING
Quite simply, a man who loves and respects you wants what you want. He desires his woman to be the best possible version of herself; something that not only makes you feel good but him as well. He may have an opinion on the matter, but he won’t dissuade you from taking any positive step in your life.
2. HE RESPECTS YOUR TIME AND HOW YOU SPEND IT
Another sign of a healthy relationship is respect for each other’s time – no matter if it’s time spent together or apart. Concerning the former, a respectful man is reliable when it comes to yours (and others) time. He is rarely late; when he is, he has a good explanation. When you need some time, for whatever reason, he is considerate and respectful.
(Note: spending over an hour in the bathroom may be an exception to this rule.)
3. HE DOESN’T GET JEALOUS
He’s devoted himself to you and is confident in your devotion to him. As such, a man who respects you doesn’t get jealous. This quality also speaks to the man’s self-confidence – something (sadly) that is absent in too many. Comment on Brad Pitt’s abs all you want, ladies!
4. HE DOESN’T TRY TO CONTROL YOU
Controlling behavior reeks of insecurity and, of course, disrespect. As mentioned, thoughtful men are neither of these things. A respectful man who loves you wouldn’t even contemplate taking any action that could be considered controlling. Enough said.
5. YOUR OPINIONS ARE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
Opinions are a matter of individual perspective, and should always be respected. A respectful man actively listens and responds to your opinion. Moreover, the man is interested in what you have to say, regardless of whether he agrees or disagrees.
Speaking of which…
6. HE DOESN’T ESCALATE DISAGREEMENTS
At the risk of sounding overtly obvious, every relationship has disagreements and arguments. One sign of a real man is respect – and he’s never inclined to intensify any disagreement or argument. He appreciates and respects the differences just as he does the similarities. Aside from demonstrating his respect, the ability to “agree to disagree” shows his strength and character.
7. HE’S AN “HONEST ABE”
It can be difficult to discern whether or not someone is completely honest with you. However, a man who deeply respects his woman considers any dishonest behavior abhorrent. If he says or does something he perceives inaccurate, he’ll say so.
8. HE DOESN’T SECOND-GUESS YOU
A healthy relationship requires two people to commit themselves entirely – to be selfless. A man who respects you (and vice-versa) will not ignorantly cast doubt upon your choices or judgment. He understands that you possess an admirable ability to think for yourself; otherwise, he wouldn’t be with or respect you to such a high degree.
9. HE’LL DISCUSS THE RELATIONSHIP’S FUTURE
Some men have the impulse to evade discussing “the future.” Perhaps they’re not quite prepared for topics that you may bring up – and this may scare them. But a man that respects you will actively listen to your perspective on the future and provide honest feedback, even if it’s not quite what you were seeking. If he’s ready for the next step, he’ll tell you. If he’s not ready, he’ll still tell you.
10. HE SPENDS A GOOD AMOUNT OF TIME WITH YOU
A man who respects you willingly allocates a good amount of time making sure you’re happy. If you enjoy certain activities, he knows it and will go out of his way to make it happen. Even if he’s busy, a respectful man will sacrifice time he could spend elsewhere – at work, hanging out with friends, etc. – for you to know that you’re a priority.
11. HE RESPECTS OTHERS
“Others” may be your family, your social circle, or a complete stranger. The respect a man shows to others is equally as important to the respect he shows you. For those in the early phases of a relationship, observing how your man treats others is one of the best indications of his real character.
Tuesday, September 12, 2017
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces, like a grass path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?"
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Monday, September 11, 2017
After retiring from the Marine Corps, a former Drill Instructor Sergeant took a job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit snugly under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit jacket.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk, he looked around the room and made eye contact with each and every student.
A strong breeze through the window made his tie flap. He picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
The rest of the school year went very smooth…
Sunday, September 10, 2017
This year it is even more heartbreaking for me as I was on the phone with my brother and we were both watching when the plane went into the second tower…I will never forget that moment.
You say you will never forget where you were when you heard the news on September 11, 2001.
Neither will I.
I was on the 110th floor in a smoke filled room with a man who called his wife to say "Good-bye." I held his fingers steady as he dialed. I gave him the peace to say, "Honey, I am not going to make it, but it is OK...I am ready to go."
I was with his wife when he called as she fed breakfast to their children. I held her up as she tried to understand his words and as she realized he wasn't coming home that night.
I was in the stairwell of the 23rd floor when a woman cried out to Me for help. "I have been knocking on the door of your heart for 50 years!" I said. "Of course I will show you the way home -- only believe on Me now."
I was at the base of the building with the Priest ministering to the injured and devastated souls. I took him home to tend to his Flock in Heaven. He heard my voice and answered.
I was on all four of those planes, in every seat, with every prayer. I was with the crew as they were overtaken. I was in the very hearts of the believers there, comforting and assuring them that their faith has saved them.
I was in Texas, Kansas, London. I was standing next to you when you heard the terrible news. Did you sense Me?
I want you to know that I saw every face. I knew every name -- though not all know Me.
Some met Me for the first time on the 86th floor.
Some sought Me with their last breath.
Some couldn't hear Me calling to them through the smoke and flames; “Come to Me... This way... take My hand."
Some chose, for the final time, to ignore Me.
But, I was there.
I did not place you in the Tower that day. You may not know why, but I do.
However, if you were there in that explosive moment in time, would you have reached for Me?
September 11, 2001, was not the end of the journey for you. But someday your journey will end and I will be there for you as well.
Seek Me now while I may be found.
Then, at any moment, you know you are "ready to go."
I will be in the stairwell of your final moments.
During the next 60 seconds, please stop whatever you are doing, and take this opportunity (really, just 1 minute) to say an "Our Father" for the families of all those who lost their lives and the responders who risked their lives due to the events of September 11, 2001:
Our Father who art in Heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name,
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
On Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day
Our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.
For Thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever. Amen.
Please don't forget to give thanks for your family and friends!
This picture is comprised of the photos of all those who were lost.
This is especially poignant for me and sever others this year...
Saturday, September 9, 2017
Friday, September 8, 2017
He'll be falling all over himself, literally.
1. The "Sweater Weather."
Surprise your man by wearing a super-soft fuzzy fall sweater...AND NOTHING ELSE. You'll be soooo touchable.
2. The "Extra Spicy Pumpkin Latte."
Warm your mouth with some pumpkin-flavored coffee before going south *wink wink*. To add even more spice, let a little dribble out of the corners of your mouth first; the visual of dripping liquid is VERY sexy.
3. The "Boot Knocker."
Blindfold your man and then gently slide his dick in and out of your favorite boots. The rough and soft textures will be crazy hot and sexual.
4. The "Sweet Potato Smash."
Smash up some sweet potatoes and leave them on the kitchen table with a note that reads "Enjoy!" He'll know what to do with them.
5. The "Thanks-for-giving."
Give your man a special Thanksgiving treat with this classic move: During sex, suddenly yell, "I'M A DEAD FALL TREE," then stay very still for the remainder, letting him do all the work. Afterward, simply whisper, "Thanks...for giving."
6. The "Halloween Surprise."
Put on your fave halloween mask and surprise your man with a morning blow job! So easy and effective.
7. The "Leaf Pile."
Rake up some dirty leaves from your yard and pile them onto his bed. Hide in it nakie until he's nearby, then jump out and yell, "I'M FALLING FOR YOU!" He'll be so turned on he might faint. Extra points if you bring some squirrels in with you.
8. The "Candied Apple."
Using your favorite candy apple recipe, heat up some burning hot caramel on the stove. Act like you're about to pour it on his butt, then quickly pull out some apples and say, "JK JK JK JK." But then pour it on his butt.
9. The "Sexy Foliage."
Go hide in the woods for the next few months, only communicating by leaving him ominous voicemails of forest animals chattering. Eventually lose contact with him and everything you knew before. Become a forest enchantress. This is your life now. Fuck society.
*This article is for entertainment purposes only. Please don't pour burning caramel on your loved ones. 😹
Thursday, September 7, 2017
I had a flat tire on the 401 yesterday; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk. I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!
Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men which made it much safer for me to work on the side of the road.
People honked and waved, and it wasn't long before a police car pulled up behind me.
He wanted to know what the heck I was doing so I calmly explained that I was changing my flat.
He told me he could see that, but demanded to know what the heck my cardboard men were doing standing at the rear of my car.
I couldn't believe he didn't know!
“Well,:” I explained to the angry Policeman…
“They're my Emergency Flashers!!!”
He laughed, I laughed, we laughed, He laughed!!!
Wednesday, September 6, 2017
This is really interesting and quite surprising at times…
STATES AND WHAT THEY ARE FAMOUS FOR (DID YOU EVER IMAGINE?)
ALABAMA...Was the first state to have 9-1-1, started 1968.
ALASKA...One out of every 64 people has a pilot's license.
ARIZONA...Is the only state in the continental U.S. that does not follow Daylight Savings Time.
ARKANSAS...Has the only active diamond mine in the U.S.
CALIFORNIA...Its economy is so large that if it were a country, it would rank seventh in the entire world.
COLORADO...In 1976 it became the only state to turn down the Olympics.
CONNECTICUT...The Frisbee was invented here at Yale University
DELAWARE...Has more scientists and engineers than any other state.
FLORIDA...At 874.3 square miles, Jacksonville is the largest city in the U.S.
GEORGIA...It was here, in 1886, that pharmacist John Pemberton made the first vat of Coca-Cola....interesting!
HAWAII...Hawaiians live, on average, five years longer than residents of any other state.
IDAHO...TV was invented in Rigby, Idaho, in 1922.
ILLINOIS...Has a Governor in jail, one pending jail, and is the most corrupt state in the union!
INDIANA...Home to Santa Claus, Indiana, which gets a half million letters for Santa every year.
IOWA...Winnebago R.V.s get their name from Winnebago County. Also, it is the only state name that begins with 2 vowels.
KANSAS...Liberal, Kansas has an exact replica of the house in "The Wizard of Oz".
KENTUCKY...Has more than $6 billion in gold underneath Fort Knox.
LOUISIANA...Has parishes instead of counties because they were originally Spanish church units.
MAINE...It is so large that it covers as many square miles as the other five New England states combined.
MARYLAND...The Ouija board was created in Baltimore in 1892… Bet you didn't know that!
MASSACHUSETTS…The Fig Newton is named after Newton, Massachusetts.
MICHIGAN...Fremont, home to Gerber, is the baby food capital of the world.
MINNESOTA…Bloomington's Mall of America is so big, that if you spent 10 minutes in each store, you'd be there almost four days.
MISSISSIPPI…President Teddy Roosevelt refused to shoot a bear here. The most lied about state in the nation.
MISSOURI...Is the birthplace of the ice cream cone.
MONTANA…A sapphire from Montana is in the Crown Jewels of England .
NEBRASKA...More triplets are born here than in any other state.
NEW HAMPSHIRE...Birthplace of Tupperware, invented in 1938 by Earl Tupper.
NEW JERSEY...Has the most shopping malls in one area in the world.
NEW MEXICO...Smokey the Bear was rescued from a 1950 forest fire here.
NEW YORK...Is home to the nation's oldest cattle ranch, started in 1747 in Montauk...Surprised?
NORTH CAROLINA…Home of the first Krispy Kreme doughnut.
NORTH DAKOTA... Rigby, North Dakota, is the exact geographic center of North America .
OHIO...The hot dog was invented here in 1900.
OKLAHOMA...The grounds of the state capital are covered by operating oil wells.
OREGON...Has the most ghost towns in the country.
PENNSYLVANIA...The smiley : ) was first used in 1980 by computer scientists at Carnegie Mellon University .
RHODE ISLAND...The nation's oldest bar, the White Horse Tavern, opened here in 1673.
SOUTH CAROLINA...Sumter County is home to the world's largest gingko farm.
SOUTH DAKOTA...Is the only state that's never had an earthquake.
TENNESSEE...Nashville' s Grand Ole Opry is the longest running live radio show in the world.
TEXAS…Dr. Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. The hamburger was invented in Arlington in 1906.
UTAH...The first Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant opened here in 1952.
VERMONT…Montpelier is the only state capital without a McDonald's.
VIRGINIA…Home of the world's largest office building, The Pentagon.
WASHINGTON...Seattle has twice as many college graduates as any other state.
WASHINGTON D.C...Is the first planned capital in the world
WEST VIRGINIA...Had the world's first brick paved street, Summers Street, laid in Charleston in 1870.
WISCONSIN...The ice cream sundae was invented here in 1881 to get around Blue Laws prohibiting ice cream from being sold on Sunday. Also the American Water Spaniel was created there and is the state dog.
WYOMING...Was the first state to allow women to vote.
I hope you enjoyed this. Just proving no matter how old you are you can still learn new things~
Tuesday, September 5, 2017
Monday, September 4, 2017
Sunday, September 3, 2017
Although I shared the following information last year, I think it’s very much worth sharing again.
Labor Day has been celebrated as a national holiday paying tribute to working men and women in the United States and Canada since 1894.
The first Labor Day parade occurred 5 September 1882, in New York City. The workers' unions chose the first Monday in September because it was halfway between Independence Day in July and Thanksgiving in November.
Some states designated Labor Day as a holiday before President Grover Cleveland signed a law designating the first Monday in September as the federal holiday known as Labor Day nationwide.
If you want to know more about Labor Day in the United States…what it means, where it originated, etc., this article http://www.dol.gov/laborday/history.htm has a lot of good information.