Cookies at School

Horny Student

Little Johnny in 6th Grade

Little Johnny in School

When I'm 100

I agree with Emma...with the exception of the age...think it should be much younger!

School

 Daughter:

Mom, there's a small get together at school tomorrow!

Mom:

Small get together? How small?

Daughter:

Me...you...dad...and the principal.

Oops!!!

Worm Experiment

Back to School

  

 

 

Expelled

Baby Talk

Have shared this before but worth sharing again. Hope you enjoy!

 ~~~~~~~~~~~

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become adjusted to the first grade. The biggest hurdle we they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!


You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.



She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana'.

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'



She then asked Mitchell what he had done 'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.



She then asked little Johnny what he had done?

'I read a book' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'


( I love this... )


Johnny thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,

'Winnie the SHIT'

How to Milk Cows?

Teaching Kids to milk cows in Elementary Education in Wisconsin, America's Dairy Land.

 

I'll bet that when the teacher saw the picture in the local paper she fainted!

3 Wedding Nights

Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.

The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nice, nurses are known to be hot."

The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices."

The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are too strict."

The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"



Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was "Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"




Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says,

"When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get it right!'"
 

Courtesy of BabaMail

What Did She Want To Be Done?

"The child had heard someone using swear words. The child is 16 years old, so I thought it was odd that there was a complaining parent. But still, if a student…or worse, teacher…had sworn at him, it's not great.
 
The conversation went something like this:

Me: 'Was it a teacher, or someone else at the school?'

Parent: 'No.'

Me: 'Ah, it was a fellow student then?'

Parent: 'No.'

Me: 'So it was someone else in school...did it happen on the school campus?'

Parent: 'No.'

Me: 'During school hours?'

Parent: 'No.'

Me: 'So you're saying your child heard someone swearing outside of school grounds and outside of school hours and that person had no connection to the school?'

Parent: 'Yes, I want to know what you're going to do about it!'"


Good Gravy!!!

Sunday School Test

Here's a fun oldie for ya...

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

 
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

 
If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the lawn, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

 
By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?

Again, they all answered 'NO!'.

 
I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

 
 
A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD..."

 
It's a curious race, the Irish.

New Teacher

Another goody from our Meredith's Jack.  


After retiring from the Marine Corps, a former Drill Instructor Sergeant took a job as a high school teacher.


Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit snugly under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit jacket.



On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.



Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk, he looked around the room and made eye contact with each and every student.


A strong breeze through the window made his tie flap. He picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.



Dead Silence.



The rest of the school year went very smooth…

Simple Math

"A customer a few weeks ago wanted to return this hair coloring, and exchange it for a different color, right?   So I tell her, she can hand it and the receipt to me, and I can do it all in one transaction if she goes to get the one she wants and any other items she wants.

So she does, and comes back.

I do the return first because it makes the return slip that I stick in the register shorter and easier to deal with, and that way I also don't forget to do it.


The way our system lists returns is a negative value on the receipt. I think in this case it was -6.99.

That said, I still have to scan the one she's swapping it for, but it's also 6.99, which is a positive value so it all evens out, right?


Not according to her.

As far as she was concerned, I shouldn't have charged her for it at all.

And I could not get her to understand that it evens out to a zero value, even with the assistance of one of my coworkers helping explain.


She left, then she came back again, and went to cosmetics that time to try and get it corrected.


It took a manager with a calculator to finally convince her that yes, I did not charge her a value for it." (Source)

---

That 5.16 is not larger than 5.8.

I worked at a bank with a young coworker who thought that the staff interest rate on a term deposit of 5.8% was worse that the bank's standard rate at the time of 5.16%.

She also couldn't work out 10% of $200, even with a spreadsheet that someone made where all she had to do was enter the number 200 and then look and the large, colorful and well marked answer. (Source)

---

Customer: If the cucumbers are on sale 4 for $3 why should I be charged .75 cents for one?

Me: Ma'am the sale price IS .75

Customer: That's bulls--t, the other guy would give it to me for the sale price.  I want to talk to someone who knows what the hell they're talking about!

Me: Sure, let me get you a manager.


Manager: Hi ma'am what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Why the hell should I pay .75 cents for a cucumber that's on sale just because I don't want to buy 4 of them!

Manager: Ma'am if 4 cucumbers are $3 then 2 are $1.50 and one would be .75 cents.


ITS THIRD GRADE MATH... COME ON!!! (Source)

School Field Trip

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses, but mostly to see the horses.



When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.



The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one.



As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 4th grade."



"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help. 😄

Exam Answers

Saw this on Facebook and it totally cracked me up.  Hope you enjoy.

How to Answer Questions on an Exam When You Don’t Know Anything
When you don’t know the answer to an exam question, you have two options: acknowledge defeat straightaway and prepare yourself to take the test again, or summon up a little creativity. That way, even if you fail the exam, at least you got a laugh out of it!

We at Bright Side encourage you to be just like these guys and to never give up!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
Based on materials from La Foka , 
Bored Panda

Courtesy of Bright Side