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Saturday, August 23, 2014

Special Guest Post


Hello all. It has been several weeks since I rather abruptly left blogland. I deleted my email/profile/ etc. In one swift action, much like ripping off a bandage. Oh, it still hurt and quite a lot, but still easier than leaving bit by bit. I have missed all of you and this very special place more than I can say.


I want to extend a very special thank you to Cat who so graciously provided the platform for me to come back and speak with you. I would have used a different blog, a blog I used to have, if I still had the password.


I never really intended to come back here and say what I am going to say today. I tried to believe it was for reasons meant more to protect all of you than for selfish reasons of my own. But, I don’t believe that’s really true. What I have to confess will hurt some of you. I know that and I am so sorry. I also hate to be the cause of any feelings of distrust and doubt among any of you for your fellow bloggers/friends here. I fear some of that may happen as well. I am so sorry for that too. Still, to just leave with “no one the wiser” is cowardly. I always knew that. I also have very strong personal reasons for feeling it is imperative that I confess to all of you and ask your forgiveness. I’ll explain that in a minute. Of course, I realize that just because I ask your forgiveness does not mean that I expect to receive it. Maybe you can find it in your heart to do so, and maybe you can’t. I understand that some will be angry and I don’t blame you. I’m expecting that too. You have every right to feel that way.


You know me as Queenie, but some of you knew me by a different name. I was also Cowgirl Up.

I wanted so badly to be a part of this community. I never intended to hurt anyone. Once I became ‘Cowgirl’, I felt I belonged here. My blog, at first, was only jokes or posts that were not very personal. Slowly, I began to take what had a kernel of truth and embellish it far beyond anything reasonable. I knew it was wrong. I had such guilt, and rightfully so. What I never really expected was that I would come to truly, genuinely care about so many other bloggers. To become so heavily invested in their lives. By then, I didn’t see how I could confess without causing so much hurt and disappointment. The closer I got to some others, the harder it became. Finally, I just could not carry on with it. At the same time, I could not figure out how to stop. Just stop. I ended my blog by saying that my husband ‘Blue’ had a family member who was diagnosed with a serious illness and I had no time to blog, etc. Well, there was a truth there. His mother was sick and we lost her recently. Still, I know that some of you never stopped praying for ‘Cowgirl’ and ‘Blue’ and our family. I believe that those heartfelt prayers, that were so sincerely made by so many, but under such deceitful pretenses on my part have had an effect on me. I have been diagnosed with cancer. The biopsy shows it to be an especially aggressive, invasive variety. I believe that this is my punishment. Not sent by God, but by my own feelings of extreme guilt and shame at what I have done to so many here. I cannot carry this burden another day.



Why did I come back as Queenie? I tried to just be happy as a reader only. Then as an anonymous commenter. That wasn’t enough. I decided to come back as someone else. Someone totally honest this time. To the best of my memory, with the exception of how long I’ve been involved in blogland and pretending it was the first time to contact certain bloggers, I have not been deceitful as Queenie. That was the ‘real’ me. Warts and all. After what happened with Christina, I realized I was still doing something very wrong. I know some assumed I left blogland due to the fallout from Christina. Of course, it wasn’t any of you who I felt may not be as you seemed, it was entirely because I had my own secret to hide.


I want to apologize to each and every person who reads this. I ask that you send others to read this who may not otherwise.


I want to extend a special apology to those bloggers I became especially close to, in my mind at least, as ‘Cowgirl’: Clint and Chelsea, Christina, Lillie, Molly Rose, Irishey, SNP, Renee Rose, Julia, Lil Misses, Cat, Willie, Blue Bird, Dana


Also, a very special apology to those who were so very kind to me as Queenie: Cat, Irishey, Willie and Clara.


I have no doubt I have left out many, so, to one and all who have been my friend in either of my identities, I thank you. I’m beyond sorry for what I did. Please forgive me if you can.



Cat here…Before you comment, please remember…you can be angry, hurt, saddened, disappointed and are free to express any or all of those emotions as well as others you may be feeling.  But…I do NOT tolerate disrespectful comments on my blog. 
 
most beautiful people
 

36 comments:

  1. Oh gosh. First of all, I do not believe that God punishes like that. You need to let go of the guilt so you can build up your immune system to fight being sick.
    This was a good step in the right direction. I hope you feel less guilt.
    Life isn't always easy... I know that many of us care about people and believe in forgiveness.

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    1. Hi Minelle. Thank you for commenting. I have been holding my breath expecting a completely different kind of reaction than what these comments have been reflecting so far. I agree with you, I don't think this thing that has been growing in me is from God either. Not really and not exactly. I do think it is a direct result of the self loathing and guilt that I have been carrying all this time. Compounded by the fact that I knew so many were sending up prayers on my behalf. Prayers based on half truths on my part. Anyway, I do feel so much lighter now. With every step in doing this, from telling Cat, to writing it all down, to reading these comments, I have been putting down that burden of guilt. I only wish I had done it sooner.

      God Bless, T.

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  2. My prayers are with you and your family, that's all I have to say.

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    1. Hello Sunny, I thank you for that. May God bless you and yours.
      T.

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  3. I know that must have been hard for you. Prayers for your health and peace of mind. Hugs

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    1. Hello Rose. It was, but I'm so glad I did. Thank you so much for your kindness :)
      Hugs back, T.

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  4. Hugs and prayers. Wow! Thank you for letting us know. There can be growth with hard times. Key in on that. :). Many hugs,

    <3 Katie

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    1. Hi Katie. Thank you for that, your kindness means so much to me. You've always been so nice to everyone. I hope you and yours are richly blessed :)
      Many hugs right back, T.

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  5. Hi Queenie or Cowgirl, sorry, I'm not quite sure what to call you. I am fairly new to blog land so I didn't know you as Cowgirl. I have seen your comments around as Queenie and I always enjoyed what you had to say. Congratulations for being honest, now please forgive yourself and concentrate on healing. Will add you to the prayer list at my church. Hugs, Lisa

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    1. Hi Lisa :) I'm not sure what to call myself either. For now, I'm just going with T. I have noticed your comments here. They have always been so positive and friendly. I thank you for taking the time to comment with kindness. Thank you so much for adding me to the prayer list at your church. I firmly believe in the healing power of prayer and I'm happy to get as many of those as I possibly can. Under honest circumstances anyway.
      Hugs back and I'm so happy to 'meet' you, T.

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  6. Hugs...and prayers for your health. We all make mistakes...admitting them, and asking for forgiveness is a giant step...forgive yourself, is the next hardest step.
    hugs abby

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    1. Thank you Abby. With every comment, I think I'm forgiving myself a bit more. I'll gladly take those hugs and prayers :)
      Hugs back, T.

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  7. I knew you as Cowgirl and often thought of you and wondered how you are. This can't have been easy to write and took courage. I hope that you are able to let go of the guilt and concentrate on your health. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Thank you Cat for publishing this.

    ((Hugs))
    Roz

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    1. Hi Roz. The residents of blogland continue to amaze me. I think the kindness souls on this planet can be found right here. I'm sorry I just left you to think and wonder about Cowgirl. This wasn't easy to confess, but I can't believe how much better I feel since I have. Thank you so much for your comment Roz. May you and your yours be richly blessed.
      Hugs back, T.

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  8. I understand how you are feeling - exactly, having done the exact same thing myself. The only difference is that I did it five years ago and I was both people at the same time, Cassie and PK. Like you I confessed, apologized and I was forgiven. Still as it was all going on I was as devastated as I've ever been other than by a death.

    I'm sorry about your health - it didn't happen because of anything here. Think girl, how many people get cancer that have never heard of blogs. Not to say that stress can't cause you problems. Let this stress go. I think you should blog during your illness, no one has to come read you, but for those who wish to offer you support can do it and you'll have an outlet. All will be well.

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    1. Hi PK. I knew that you had been someone else too, but I didn't realize it was at the same time. That must have been so exhausting trying to keep it all separate. I know that after C. your comments on several blogs had special interest for me. I felt a tad better being reminded that I wasn't the only one who had done this and even more than that, you were forgiven. I am letting this stress go PK. I can't carry it and get well at the same time. I'm so glad that I finally confessed so I could put it down. I wish I had done it much sooner. Interesting thought about blogging during my illness. I never thought I would even consider blogging again, or even that I could remain a member of this community. I'll think about that. I so appreciate you sharing your personal story with me. It helped.
      Hugs, T.

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  9. Oh dear, Everyone makes mistakes and I am so sorry that you are so poorly. Having had cancer myself my thoughts are with you, don't worry about the stuff in the past just focus on the here and now
    love Jan,xx

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    1. Good advice Jan. Thanks for that :) Glad to know a fellow survivor, (I plan on being one too).
      Maybe we can talk/email sometime?
      Hugs, T.

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  10. You don't require my forgiveness. Honestly, I my heart is a little warmer, knowing that Cowgirl didn't drop off the face of the planet- nor did my friend Queenie. To be honest, maybe I should be apologizing to you. Maybe something was missing between us that you thought you couldn't be yourself.

    As Cowgirl you helped me so much. You were there at the start of mine and Barney's adventure. You encouraged me, and those warm and fuzzy feelings of remembrance will never go away.

    As Queenie, well I suppose the tables turned. It was I that was encouraging you. But you know the link between these two personas? How much I cared about them. How much I enjoyed the friendship. T- ( as I am not sure who to call you *wink*) Your core shone through. Come back to us....to me. I miss you!
    . Let me continue to be there for you. Through your treatments, let our silly stories distract you. And for Godsake, remove this burden away from your thoughts. Like Minelle said, you need to concentrate on your health.
    You have my phone number USE IT. You have my email....USE it

    My LOVE always,
    willie

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    1. Willie.....I can't tell you what your comment meant to me. You're making me cry. I think there's too much to say here in a blog comment. I had a calling card and tried to call you a few days ago, but it was already expired. I can only call the states. I'll email you my number so you can call me. Thank you for your kindness and understanding :)
      Hugs and Love, T.

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    2. You better email me woman! UM, we are going away Weds night until Friday night. Just an FYI.

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    3. LOL, okay, I hope we can talk tomorrow!

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  11. I have often wondered what happened to Cowgirl. Spoke about you just the other day. I hate to hear that you are struggling with cancer. I understand what you are saying. I am aware of the information that shows that stress and worry can affect cancer. So, that being said, let it go. I for one am thrilled to see that you have not fallen off the planet. When we chatted on the net, you were funny, kind, witty and smart. I will to say to you what I said about C. Nobody is all good or all bad but they ARE valuable. If there is anything I can do for you, please don't hesitate to contact me!!!

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    1. Hi Dana. I'm sorry I just left you hanging. Thank you for your kind comment. I am letting it go, and comments like yours make it a little easier. That I could possibly have value is a bit of a startling thought. I guess I do have value to all the people who love me. At a time like this, you find out in a hurry who those people are. I appreciate your offer to contact you. I may do that if what I think your occupation is is accurate. You might be able to advise me on some things.
      Hugs, T.

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  12. I am so sorry to hear about the cancer. I'll be praying for you and your family. You were so brave to be honest with everyone. I hope you stay in blogland.

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    1. Hi Leah. Thank you so much for that. I'll take all the prayers I can get! I didn't think I could stay, but I'm beginning to change my mind. Thanks to kind people like yourself :)
      Hugs, T.

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  13. Hi Queenie!
    I'll just piggy back on what everyone else has said. You are so welcome here and while we missed Cowgirl and wondered if she was okay...I so enjoyed getting to know Queenie and was sad when you chose to leave. We all make mistakes and I think every woman here understands that desire to be part of a community--the acceptance we all found here. Mick used to remind us consistently that shame is a wasted emotion. It focuses us inwardly but not in a healthy way...it makes us guard against forgiveness (from ourselves and others) and stay caught in our own angst without the ability to move forward. You have friends here...please think about coming back and being with us so we can walk with you through your treatments. Please!

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    1. Hi Susie :) I've read your comment about 5 times now. I truly never expected such compassion and understanding. I am so grateful. Thank you. Mick is a smart guy. That is absolutely true. I appreciate you making me feel still welcome here, and your offer to walk with me on this new 'adventure.' I will keep everyone posted. I promise. Bless you.
      Hugs, T.

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  14. I am so hit or miss in this community that I can only say I've seen you around here and there as Queenie. All I can say is that I don't know you, but have the utmost respect for what you've done by coming clean. It's a very hard thing for anyone to do. We ALL make mistakes. I believe giving compassion is always the right response in situations like this because there will be a day when that compassion needs to be received. *hugs*

    *Rose*

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    1. Hi Rose, Thank you for your kindness and understanding. It is very much appreciated :)
      Hugs back, T.

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  15. Dear T,

    Welcome back. I'm very happy to see Cowgirl and Queenie again, and to meet you, too, T. ;-)

    I'm devastated at your diagnosis, and know you must be facing some rough times ahead. However, I believe in your ability to be a survivor. I hope you believe in our willingness and ability to stand by you while you face this fire walk.

    I've given this careful consideration, and I have decided that, while I consider you (all of you) one of my very best online friends, there must be restitution.

    Cowgirl was a bad girl for lying about her ttwd, and then running away without letting us know the truth, leaving us to wonder and worry about her, not leaving a single word for almost two years. We shall vote on how many spankings she gets for that before we say our final goodbyes to our former fairytale friend. Tough love, CG. We did love you. Thank you for coming clean, but you still have to pay the piper. ;-)

    Queenie, honest though she was, also ran away. She did not trust us to care about her. She let guilt drive her from her friends when she needed us the most. I've read there are "clear the slate" spankings. That appears to be in order to relieve you of your feelings of guilt and ease your conscience. I'm sure a few hands are raised to volunteer. ;-)

    T, I'm not a spanker, but I will take it up with a vengeance if I thought I could spank the cancer out of you. I'm not even a good excuse for a spanko/spankee, but I would take that up as well if I could take whatever licks it would take to make you well again. Luckily for me, and you, we hang out with lots of spank-happy folks who would line up for a spanking for any reason. I think we've got you covered with proxies. ;-)

    Sigh. You know, T, I give you enormous credit for coming clean about Cowgirl. You could have never said a word and nobody would have been the wiser. You could have admitted it in your last Cowgirl post, come back later as you did as Queenie, and nobody would have known. You could have returned as Queenie after shutting down your blog, and nobody would have thought anything about it.

    Instead, you stopped the Cowgirl blog before you got in too deep. I do wish you had not left us hanging, but I am not criticizing your reasons. I was glad your blog was still there to visit, while you were not. It's not like I can turn back time and unglad myself about it. ;-)

    You stepped up now and owned it, every bit of it. I know it was a difficult thing to face, and a brave thing to do. As far as I am concerned, that is the person I knew as CG and Queenie. That, this, is how you are, it's what you do: You cowgirl up. I am glad to have that person as my friend.

    Now, let's put all the drama and worry in the past. It's time to focus on you getting well. It's time for you to hang out with your friends again, when you feel like it, while you fight this monster.

    Big hugs, T. You're a keeper. :-)

    Irishey

    Thank you, Cat. Big hugs to you, too, for being here for our friend and giving her a safe place to post a message to us. Blessings!

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    1. Dear Irishey,
      You never fail to bring a smile to my face. You manage to make me giggle and cry at the same time. How I have missed you :) I have this vision in my head now. I have created an image of you in my mind just based on the few things I've heard about your appearance and from your words. I have this image of you spanking me! You're trying so hard, you want to do it, but yet you're so kind, you just can't seem to will yourself into putting much 'muscle' into it. I can't stop myself from giggling at your efforts. Seriously, I have no doubt that if you could cure me by doing so, you would become a pro at the art of spanking. The world would beat a path to your door! I have first dibs though! Still, I do think that all those who are willing should line up and take some spankings. I mean, it's a big sacrifice on their parts, but it couldn't hurt, right?!

      Okay, I'm waiting for those voting results! More than fair in my view. Consequences are deeply ingrained in this community. As we know, once we 'pay' our dues, we get to move on. Luckily for all of us, there is a guy I know, who has been suffering from itchy palm syndrome for some time now. He would be more than happy to carry out whatever blogland decrees for my sins here. Really.

      I know it would have been much kinder if I had come clean on the Cowgirl Up blog. Leaving everyone hanging like that is in my mind, the worst of the whole mess. I would have deleted the thing if I only had the passwords. I shredded everything and my memory isn't what it used to be.

      True, as Queenie, I sold all of you short. I never expected anyone to be able to understand or forgive. I cut myself off from a very powerful support system. I won't make that mistake again. I have always known that this place is so very special. Surely, the kindest people on this planet somehow find their way here. You for one, my sister-friend.

      Big, huge hugs right back Irishey.

      T.

      I agree, Cat has been such a blessing to me!

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    1. Thank you Terps. I'll gladly take those.
      Hugs, T.

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  17. I'm a little late here, T., as I've been away awhile myself. Your post moved me so greatly. I don't know that I can add anything that hasn't already been said except to add my name to the list of supporters and friends you have here.

    I agree with those who urged you to stay here and allow us to walk you through everything, right by your side. What would you think of a blog ---- I know, I know.......SORE subject.....but really, think about it a moment. A blog.....one that represents as much as you want us to know about you and your current situation. It could be temporary, or not......depending on what you decide.

    I just think it would be a wonderful support for you to be able to talk with friends here when you want to.....no pressure, of course. It would also be wonderful for the rest of us so we can be there for you and keep up with how you're doing.

    T., God is a forgiving God. There is not a one of us who doesn't need forgiveness. I don't believe you brought the cancer upon yourself. I do believe you need to forgive yourself. I've recently watched a movie on YouTube called "The Secret". It's all about positive thinking and energy and the law of attraction. Kane and I have begun applying its principles, and the results have been very encouraging. If you look it up, though, be sure to type in "Full Movie" after the name. If you don't, it requires payment. There is no cost to watching it if you put "Full Movie" in. I'd love to know what you think of it.

    I'm praying for you, T.

    Love,
    Sadie

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  18. Hi Sadie :)

    No, it's never too late to offer such kind words and support. I truly appreciate you taking the time to comment. I hope you and Kane and your family is doing well.

    I have been thinking about blogging again. Before I read all these comments, I never in a million years thought I would even consider one again. I have to admit that the thought of an outlet, besides my family, who I put on a brave face for, is kind of appealing. That I might receive some moral support at the same time, is also an encouraging thought. I just wonder if I actually have the time though. If people are so kind as to leave any comments, I know I would never feel right unless I answered each one.

    I agree Sadie, God is all about love and forgiveness. He has been walking with me these past weeks. I guess He has always been there, but I've never felt Him as strongly as I do now. I know He has forgiven me and I think I have forgiven myself. I couldn't let it go and do that until I confessed. I only wish I had done it sooner.

    Thanks for telling me about "The Secret". I remember a book with that title being very popular a few years ago. I know that many were impressed with it. I'll look it up on YouTube!

    I will gratefully take those prayers Sadie! Thank you.

    Love and hugs,
    T.

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