Proof Readers Still Needed

Thank you to our lovely Minelle from My Breath for sending the following for your enjoyment.  

23 riotous quotes from church bulletins
By Dennis Byrne, Thursday at 1:49 pm
 
I can't take credit for this either. It arrived  in my email. Even the faithful should get a kick of this.
 
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters.  These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:
 
The Fasting & Prayer Conference  includes meals. 
 
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. How rude!  Certainly will not be donating to them! 
 
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water. ‘The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.' Under the water?
 
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.  Bring your husbands. But…but…what if he’s worth keeping? 
 
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. No thanks!
 
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. That bad huh? 
 
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. LOL
 
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow…
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
 
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
 
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered…Um…don’t they’ll fit.
 
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Must be a Southern church!  
 
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. Think I’ll pass. 
 
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They  may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. And what do their husbands think about that!
 
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. Woohoo!!!
 
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 
 
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.


The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
 
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. Now that’s just plain mean!
 
And this one just about sums them all up:
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:  'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.' Might want to rethink that slogan.

Courtesy of http://www.chicagonow.com/dennis-byrnes-barbershop/2013/06/23-riotous-quotes-from-church-bulletins/