Short Giggles

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
(Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. "
Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they have just passed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom.
The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.
Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her; I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man. He says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.  The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
 

The local paper read:  

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

 

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
 

The next day the local paper headline read:  

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

 
 

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.  The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
 

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:  

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

 

The Bishop fainted.  He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.  
 

The next day the paper read:  

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

 

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
 

The next day the headlines read:  

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

 

The Bishop was buried the next day.
 

The moral of the story is...

being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...

even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

 

Stop

worrying about everyone else's ass and

you'll be

a lot happier and live longer!

Miscellaneous Giggles

Meredith’s Jack over at New Twist, After All These Years is at it again…has actually been very prolific…so here are a few giggles from him.  Hope you enjoy!

Valuable Pictures
The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon, "I have some good news and I have some bad news".

The tycoon replies, "I’ve had an awful day, so let's hear the good news first”.

The lawyer says, “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today and she figures now they are worth a minimum of $10 million”.

The tycoon replies enthusiastically, “Well done, very good news indeed!  You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers, “The pictures are of you and your secretary”.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Golf Ball Marker
Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.
 
The golf pro says they do, and they are $1.00.
 
The guy gives the golf pro a dollar.
 
The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in, and hands him a dime to use as the marker.
 

This economic model is also used by the governments.
 



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 This guy is Alvaro Alfonso de Miranda Neto, a professional golfer:




He was married to  ---  this woman:





Her name is Cibele Dorsa.  She is a Brazilian swimsuit, Victoria's Secret, and Playboy model.


He divorced her because he fell in love with this woman:



These two are very happily married right now:

Some people argue that love is blind.

This story clearly proves it...

It proves that men are capable of real love;

truly seeing a person’s inner beauty,

not basing their decisions solely on looks.

Oh, by the way...

The new girl is Athina Onassis.

She's worth 12 billion dollars.

Kinda brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?

Men are like that, you know...

Mom’s Letter to Kids

This mom wrote a letter to her children that perfectly sums up what summer’s like with kids…

Hey Kids,

Feel free to leave your stuff wherever you want this summer. Half-finished smoothies in the family room? No problem. I got it. Socks in the hall. I’m on it. Dishes in the sink? Keep ’em coming. Legos? Everywhere? Love it. Oh, and feel free to drag your blankets all over the house and abandon them the moment you no longer want them. I’ll fold them lovingly for you and return them to your rooms.

 

And doors? Shutting them is optional. I’m right behind you, so, seriously, don’t worry about it. I love when the wasps get in and the air conditioning gets out. Who are we to be sequestered in our climate-controlled house? Open door policy in this house. We have endless money.

 

And it’s totally fine to leave your wet bathing suits and towels on any surface, from the floor to the banister. I love heaps, but be creative! Oh, and putting them on painted wood surfaces is the best. I’ll grab them so they don’t warp the wood. You’re busy. Stop. Get back to your Netflix. Friends is not going to binge-watch itself.

 

And let me know when you are hungry. Don’t be encumbered by normal meal times. And please don’t coordinate with each other. The kitchen is open 24/7, and I’m happy to whip up anything you need, whenever you need it. I majored in short-order cooking.

 

And if you make something yourself, just leave every single item exactly where you last needed it. Milk, too. If it goes bad… I’ll just buy more. Money? Please. I’ll just work more. And I’ve got the clean-up. I will walk in your footsteps and put things away. It’s fun for me to live vicariously through your cooking. Like, Wow, how did they get so much shredded cheese on the counter? Impressive.

 

And every time you are thirsty… get a new glass. We have tons. And a dishwasher I love to load and unload. Not to mention, as far as I know, endless electricity and water. The world is our oyster.

 

And if something comes up with your friends? I’m in. I’ll drive you there or back — or, hell, both. I mean, I have a car and a license. I should put it to good use. And please, no need to give me any advance notice. I can easily stop whatever I’m doing, even work, to take you. I know how valuable your time is. Need some money for the movies? You got it, kiddo.

 

And to the little one, when you feel like it, I’ll take you to the pool. Before we go, you can complain and squirm while I put on your sunscreen. Don’t hold back. Just be you. Express how you’re feeling. It is cold, isn’t it? I love the challenge you pose me by inching away slowly as I’m applying it. Good stretch for my arms and back. Kind of you to think of me.

 

And just one thing on goggles. I’m on it. Don’t bother to keep track of yours. I’ve made it my summer mission to know where your goggles are at all times (in the car… left side… wedged in between the seats). At night, I’m sleeping with them under my pillow. We can’t be too careful. How will you swim without them?

 

Just a few last-minute housekeeping items: Eye rolling? Yes! I love the immediate feedback on my thoughts and ideas. How else can I gauge if I’m pleasing you or not? Showering? Optional. You know what’s best. I defer to you. Wearing a hat? No way. The more sun the better. Chores? Just tell me when it’s a good time for you. The weeds and messes aren’t going anywhere.

 

One last thing… please always wear your headphones so that you can’t hear me when I’m talking to you. Communication is totally overrated. Little-known fact about me: I love yelling things at the top of my lungs three or four times with no response. It’s very cathartic. Look it up.

 

Well, call me crazy, but if you guys follow all of these guidelines, I think this summer is going to be a win for all of us.

 

Or, if you don’t understand sarcasm, you won’t make it until July. Either way…

 

Love you guys.

Courtesy of Viral Slot

Grocery Shopping

Even though this is written in the first person, it was not written by me!  A friend sent it…who knows…it may actually be about him.  

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented ‘Killer Chili’. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
 
Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.  No ‘Watson’s Movement 2′.  Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
 
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
 
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.  I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.  It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.  Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about.  I’m referring to that ‘Uh oh, gotta go’ pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.  The thing is, this pain was different.
 
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.  In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened.  The peppers fired a warning shot.
 
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.  I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.  Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
 
I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.  Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally.  Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
 
I could’ve warned that poor woman but didn’t.  I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees.  This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.  Big Mistake.
 
Here’s the thing.  When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things ‘clamped down’, if you know what I mean.  With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region.  Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
 
Suddenly things were no longer funny.  IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
 
Luck was on my side.  Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable ‘Oh my God’, floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging.  One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of ‘Shock and Awe’.  He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ‘ Oh my Lord’, then quickly left.
 
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, ‘Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.  It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.  The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.’
 
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.  The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, ‘IT’S YOU!’, then ran off returning moments later with the manager.  I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
 
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.  The next day I went to shop at Food Town.  I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.  They claim they’re going to have to repaint the store.

Forecasting the Weather

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
 
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.


On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.

Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard.  He is an extensively educated and experienced professional.  Besides, I pay him very high wages.  He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way."

So he continued on his way.

 

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
 
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!
 
 
 
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
 

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.  I obtain my information from my donkey.  If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
 

So the king hired the donkey.
 
 

And so began the practice of hiring stupid asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

What I Want In a Man

Meredith’s Jack is at it again!

What I Want in a Man - Age 32
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I Want in a Man, Revised List – Age 42
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries


What I Want in a Man, Revised List – Age 52
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List – Age 62
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List – Age 72
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List – Age 82
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

Dead Flowers

A friend sent this to me today.  I thought it worth sending.  It has been around before but hope you enjoy reading.

 

I was getting ready for my daughter's June wedding which was taking place in a church about forty miles away, and felt loaded with responsibilities as I watched my budget dwindle.  So many details, so many bills, and so little time.

 

My son Jack said he would walk his younger sister down the aisle, taking the place of his dad who had died a few years before. He teased Patsy, saying he'd wanted to give her away since she was about three years old!

 

To save money, I gathered blossoms from several friends who had large magnolia trees.  Their luscious, creamy-white blooms and slick green leaves would make beautiful arrangements against the rich dark wood inside the church.  

The big day arrived - the busiest day of my life - and while her bridesmaids helped Patsy to dress, her fiancé Tim walked with me to the sanctuary to do a final check.  When we opened the door and felt a rush of hot air, I almost fainted; and then I saw them - all the beautiful white flowers were black.  Funeral black.  An electrical storm during the night had knocked out the air conditioning system, and on that hot summer day, the flowers had wilted and died.

 

I panicked, knowing I didn't have time to drive back to our hometown, gather more flowers, and return in time for the wedding and I certainly didn't have the extra money to buy a new set from the florist in town.

 

Tim turned to me.  'Edna, can you get more flowers?  I'll throw away these dead ones and put fresh flowers in these arrangements.'

 

I mumbled, 'Sure,' as he be-bopped down the hall to put on his cuff links.

 

Alone in the large sanctuary, I looked up at the dark wooden beams in the arched ceiling. 'Lord,' I prayed, 'please help me.  I don't know anyone in this town. Help me find someone willing to give me flowers - in a hurry!'  I scurried out praying for the blessing of white magnolias.

 

As I left the church, I saw magnolia trees in the distance. 

I approached a house...no dog in sight...knocked on the door and an older man answered.  So far so good.  No shotgun.  When I stated my plea the man beamed and said...'I'd be happy to!'

 

He climbed a stepladder and cut large boughs and handed them down to me.  Minutes later, as I lifted the last armload into my car trunk, I said, 'Sir, you've made the mother of a bride happy today.'

 

'No , Ma'am,' he said. 'You don't understand what's happening here.'

 

'What?' I asked.

'You see, my wife of sixty-seven years died on Monday.  On Tuesday I received friends at the funeral home, and on Wednesday…’ 

He paused.  I saw tears welling up in his eyes.

'On Wednesday I buried her.'  He looked away.  'On Thursday most of my out-of-town relatives went back home, and on Friday, yesterday my children left.'

I nodded.

'This morning,' he continued, 'I was sitting in my den crying out loud.  I miss her so much.  For the last sixteen years, as her health got worse, she needed me.  But now nobody needs me.  This morning I cried, 'Who needs an eighty-six-year-old wore-out man?  Nobody!' I began to cry louder.  'Nobody needs me!'

About that time, you knocked, and said, 'Sir, I need you.'

I stood with my mouth open. 

He asked, 'Are you an angel ?'

I assured him I was no angel.

He smiled. 'Do you know what I was thinking when I handed you those magnolias?'

'No.'

'I decided I'm needed.  My flowers are needed.  Why, I might have a flower ministry!  I could give them to everyone!   Some caskets at the funeral home have no flowers. People need flowers at times like that and I have lots of them.  They're all over the backyard!  I can give them to hospitals, churches - all sorts of places.  You know what I'm going to do?  I'm going to serve the Lord until the day He calls me home!'

 

I drove back to the church, filled with wonder.  On Patsy's wedding day, if anyone had asked me to encourage someone who was hurting, I would have said, 'Forget it! It's my only daughter's wedding, for goodness sake! There is no way I can minister to anyone today.'

But God found a way. Through dead flowers.

 

'Life is not the way it's supposed to be.  It's the way it is.  The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.'

 

If you have missed knowing me, you have missed nothing. If you have missed some of my posts, you may have missed a laugh or a thought.  But, if you have missed knowing God you have missed everything in the world!!  He can be your everything.

 

May God's blessings be upon you.

 

THIS IS SO TRUE.... BEING NEEDED IS SO UPLIFTING TO EACH OF US!

OLD is When...

Some old ones, but some new...always worth a smile.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'


As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender


As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy   you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.


As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.  Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.  Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

 
‘OLD’ IS When...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
 
‘OLD’ IS When...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
 
‘OLD’ IS When...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
 
‘OLD’ IS When...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
 
‘OLD’ IS When...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
 
‘OLD’ IS When...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
 
‘OLD’ IS When...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
 
‘OLD’ IS When...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
 
And last but not least…
 
‘OLD’ IS When...
You are not sure these are jokes. 

Kenny the Rooster

Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it.  So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first giving the rooster a pep talk.



“I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.  Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job.  So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the hen house and Kenny took off like a shot.  WHAM!  Kenny nails every hen in the hen house, three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked!



After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese.



By sunset, he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.



Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard.  Vultures are circling overhead.



The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.”



Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky, and says, “Shhh, they're getting closer.”