Voices

 

 

Four Very Important Words

Wishing you these in all your relationships!

Dear Monday

I vote we change the work week to two days working five days off!   Who’s with me?  Oh and anyone retired...no votes unless you agree with me!  

I Believe

 

A Birth Certificate shows that we were born
A Death Certificate shows that we died 
Pictures show that we lived! 
Have a seat. Relax . . .
And read this slowly. 

I Believe... 
That just because two people argue, 
It doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue,
It doesn't mean they do love each other. 

 

I Believe...
That we don't have to change friends if
We understand that friends change. 

I Believe....
That no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that. 

I Believe...
That true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance. 
Same goes for true love. 

I Believe...
That you can do something in an instant
That will give you heartache for life. 

I Believe....
That it's taking me a long time
To become the person I want to be. 

 

I Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones with
Loving words. It may be the last time you see them. 

I Believe....
That you can keep going long after you think you can't. 

I Believe....
That we are responsible for what
We do, no matter how we feel. 

I Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls you. 

I Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs
to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe....
That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time. 

I Believe....
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down
will be the ones to help you get back up. 

I Believe...
That sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry, 
But that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. 

I Believe....
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had
And what you've learned from them and less to do with how many
birthdays you've celebrated. 

 

I Believe....
That it isn't always enough,
to be forgiven by others. 
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself. 

I Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is broken 
the world doesn't stop for your grief. 

 

 I Believe....
That our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
But, we are responsible for who we become. 

I Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to find
Out a secret. It could change your life Forever. 

I Believe....
Two people can look at the exact same
Thing and see something totally different. 

I Believe...
That your life can be changed in a matter of
Hours by people who don't even know you. 

I Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to give,
When a friend cries out to you -
you will find the strength to help. 

I Believe...
That credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being. 

I Believe...
That the people you care about most in life
are taken from you too soon. 

I Believe...
That you should send this to
all of the people that you believe in, I just did. 

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
They just make the most of everything they have.

Church Ladies With Typewriters

Cali of His Rib Her Rock received the following from her mother and decided to share it with me to share with you.  Hope you enjoy these as much as I did.  I know I’ve previously shared some of them but it was quite a while ago.


They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins!  Thank Goodness for the church ladies with typewriters.  These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services: 

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.  Just joking about fasting.

--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.  OMG!

 

--------------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.’  The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'

 Nuff said…

 

--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.  It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.  Bring your husbands. 

If they’re not worth keeping…donate them!

 

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. 

Churches have always been willing to kill people off.

 

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 

Even gave a standing ovation and cheered.  LOL

--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 

May I suggest you turn to your neighbor and ask them if they have noticed any children around you.

--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Ooh someone doesn’t like their singing eh?

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. Because as everyone knows that you can’t be friends if your married!  *snort*

--------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

Ya might want to bring a nose plug.

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. 

Then you will have a good example.

--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 

Yup…some of those old choir members are really deteriorating…gonna fall apart right there in the choir loft.

--------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

  Gonna need a bigger envelope!

--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

  Must be hosted by my southern relatives…they are masters at gracious hostility…bless your heart.  

--------------------------

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. 

The way some of these women cook it is very nice of them to provide medication.

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

  Woohoo…wonder how many will have red bottoms after their husbands learn of this stunt! 

--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.  Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

 Ooh…

--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Wouldn’t want to get caught in the rain wearing one of those!

--------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

  That sure does a lot to lower your self esteem a bit more doesn’t it!

--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 

Aww…come on…their acting is not that bad!

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.  Please use large double door at the side entrance.

 Oh good gravy!  They aren’t that large!

--------------------------

And this one just about sums them all up…
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

Well…Up Yours also Rev!

Distracted Driving Incident

 

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

 

I looked away for a couple seconds. to continue shaving and when I looked back, she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

 

As a man, I don’t scare easily but she scared me so much I had to put on my seat belt and I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

 

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car, using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into my coffee which was between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

 

Damn women drivers!

The Irish Millionaire

Ami from Ami's Starsong sent the following giggle to me and I just had to share it!  LOL     


Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' and toward the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.   


 “You've done very well so far,” said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, “but for a million pounds, you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.  Everything is riding on this question.  Will you go for it?”  


 “Sure,” said Mick.  “I'll have a go!”  


“Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow

b) Thrush

c) Magpie

d) Cuckoo”

  “I haven't got a clue.” said Mick,  “So I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin.”  


 Mick called up his mate Paddy, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.


“Fookin' hell, Mick!” cried Paddy.  “Dat's simple…it's a cuckoo.”


“Are you sure?”


“I'm fookin' sure.”      



Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, “I'll go with cuckoo as me answer.”
  

“Is that your final answer?” asked Chris.
  

“Dat it is.”      



There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer!  Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!”       



The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.     


 “Tell me, Paddy?  How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?”     




 “Because he lives in a fookin' clock!”      


ROFLBMO!!!!!

Short Story

Meredith from over at New Twist, After All These Years received the following from her Jack and sent it to me to share with y’all.  Thanks so much Meredith!






ROFLMBO!       

E-Mooned

Have you heard of the new phenomenon going around called E-Mooning?


We all know and use those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where: 

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)  and

:-(

*******************************************************

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'

 

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) an ass hole

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

 

You have now been e-mooned!  

After you finish laughing your ass off, go e-moon someone!

Threat Levels by Nationality

I thought y’all would enjoy this...It kinda clears up the muddle in my mind about all the different names for Terrorist Threat Levels around the world, and it's given by a prominent brain:  BBC - by John Cleese

ANNOUNCEMENT
THE ENGLISH are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance."

The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

THE SCOTS have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards."

They don't have any other levels.

This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

THE FRENCH government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."

The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

ITALY has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing."

Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

THE GERMANS have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."

They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

BELGIANS, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

THE SPANISH are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

AUSTRALIA , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate."

Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend," and "The barbie is cancelled."

FINALLY, CANADA is at "That's not nice and please stop" threat level, and has passed a bill in the House of Commons to never raise the level any higher so not to offend the terrorists.

 
Hey, don’t blame me, this is all according to a Brit!  LOL