A Perfect Excuse

After a weekend vacation, the Sargent got to the military base only to find out that none of his soldiers made it on time.
 
It took 3 hours before they started showing up. By then he was about to explode with rage.

He decided to summon each of them to his office and get an explanation.
 
The first soldier walks in, and the Sargent asks: "Well, what's your excuse for showing up so late?"

"Sorry, sir! I can explain! You see, I was late for the bus and had to hitchhike, no cars stopped, and then suddenly, an old man driving a horse and buggy stops and offers me a ride! Well, you know, I couldn't refuse the man's kind gesture, and I got on, only it took forever to get here, and that's why I was late!"
 


"Hmmph," said the surprised Sargent, "I guess that's a reasonable explanation." and he let the soldier go.
 
He called the next soldier in and asked for his excuse.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain! You see, I was late for the bus and had to hitchhike, then this old woman with a horse and carriage stopped for me..." and the soldier tells him the same story, that he was late because the buggy was so slow.
 

One after another, all the soldiers file in and tell him the exact same story. They all felt too bad to say no, and were late as a consequence.

 

The last soldier than walks in, and the Sargent, now quite angry, says: "I suppose you hitch-hiked too?" His voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Yes sir!"

"And I suppose you also got a ride?"

"Yes sir!"

"And I suppose it was on a horse and buggy?"

"No sir!"

"No???" asked the surprised Sargent.

"No sir, it was a 2014 Mercedes, sir!"

"Then why the heck were you late??" Shouted the Sargent.


"We tried to make good time sir," answered the soldier apologetically, "but the road was completely blocked with horses and buggies!"

The Benefactor

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While enroute home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. 
 
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! 
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. 
 
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it ! I lied when I told you I inherited money:
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season tickets.
HE paid for our house on the lake.
HE paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
 
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?' 
 
The cabby replies, 'Me? I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold!!'

Dueling Obits

Two obituaries for the same man were printed in the same edition of the a newspaper. One was written by his wife, the other by his girlfriend!


 
In the top one, Leroy Black is survived by his ‘loving wife, Bearetta Harrison Black…’
 
In the bottom one, he is survived by his ‘…long-time girlfriend, Princess Hall.’ Note that is wife is not even mentioned by name. Guess she’s part of the “…host of other family…”
 
Can we say ‘tacky!’?

Beer Logic

If you've ever wondered what the heck 'Beer Logic' is all about, I think this joke explains it in the best way possible: 

By making you laugh!  Enjoy your sneak peek into a drinking man's logic. 

The Pope and the Beggar

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.

One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

 
The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. He feels sorry for him.


 

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!"

 
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!

Birthday Thoughts

Since Minelle told all y’all it was my birthday, I thought I’d post a few thoughts…

Most definitely!

 

    


    I reached this years ago…LOL














Oh and I’ve never been this age before so not sure how I’m supposed to act.

Boy Howdy do I have attitude!  Just ask anyone!

The Business Plan

As a boat docked into a tiny seaside village, a visiting businessman complimented the local fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
 
"Not very long," answered the fisherman.
 
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the businessman. The fisherman explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
 
The businessman asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"


 

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, play the guitar, and sing a few songs...I have a full life."
 

The businessman interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard, and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."
 
"And after that?" asked the fisherman.
 
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to the city, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."


 
"How long would that take?" asked the fisherman.
 
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the businessman.
 
"And after that?"
 
"Afterwards? Well my Friend, That's when it gets really interesting," answered the businessman, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"
 
"Millions? Really? And after that?" said the fisherman.
 

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings doing what you like and enjoying your friends."

Pirate Problems...

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"



"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
 

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," says the pirate...

 "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
 
 

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
 
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."

 
 
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."



"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."
 
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird poop!"

 
"Well," says the pirate sadly, "I wasn't really used to the hook yet..."

The Mathematics of Life

We all studied mathematics in school, but much of what we learnt is not applicable to our day-to-day lives. There is, however, a whole other field of mathematics that we were not taught – the math of life. These are the prime equations and proofs that anyone should know, as they apply to life, love, and the pursuit of happiness.

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

 

Smart boss + Smart employee = Profit
Smart boss + Dumb employee = Production
Dumb boss + Smart employee = Promotion
Dumb boss + Dumb employee = Overtime
 

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

 

Smart man + Smart woman = Romance

Smart man + Dumb woman = Affair

Dumb man + Smart woman = Marriage

Dumb man + Dumb woman = Pregnancy

 

SHOPPING PROOFS

A man will pay $2 - for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 - for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

 

General Formulas:

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man - you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman - you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

 

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men,

but married men are a lot more willing to die.

 

 

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change - but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change - but she does.

 
 
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
(Then she worries about the husband...)
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who finds such a man.
 

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Road Signs