Getting Married

Since I hadn’t heard from him in so long, I thought Meredith’s Jack over at New Twist, After All These Years was mad at me!  So was very shocked that he sent this giggle along.  Just kidding Jack.

Hope you enjoy.
 

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An older couple who were both widowed had been going out with each other for a long time.

 
 

Urged on by their friends they decided it was finally time to get married.

 

Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

She asked how often he would be golfing to which he replied, only once a week.

 

Then finally he decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently "she replied.

 

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses then leaned over towards her and whispered...
 

"Is that one word or two?"

 

Would definitely be two for me!

The Bet

Would love to know what the women won…

10 Ways Sleeping Naked Can Benefit You

 
 

Studies show only 10% of people sleep in the nude, and this is surprising especially with all the wonderful benefits that come along with sleeping in the buff. If the thoughts of sleeping in the nude are not very appealing to you, here are seven reasons that will have you convinced!
 
1. People who sleep naked tend to have better relationships. Skin to skin contact releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Those pesky pajamas can get in the way of skin to skin contact, and we need oxytocin it elevates happiness, lowers stress and reduces blood pressure.

2. Sleeping naked reduces your risk of yeast infections. It allows your vaginal area to have a chance to air out; yeast grows in warm and moist conditions. When it is cool and dry, the growth is prevented.

3. You will have a healthier body wearing clothes at night keeps your body warmer, which prevents the growth hormone from being released. The growth hormone repairs your body!

The Growth hormone:

• Promotes bone density
• repairs tissue
• builds muscle
• lowers your risk of diabetes
• lowers your risk of heart disease
• promotes healthy weight
• stimulates the growth of internal organs
• stimulates the immune system

4. You will have better sex, Just think about it, with all that oxytocin going around, and you’re both naked already!

5. Our bodies need to cool at night; this decreases our levels of cortisol. If we do not get enough restful sleep, we wake up with high levels of cortisol. High levels of cortisol trigger your appetite and our tendencies to overeat. High Cortisol levels can disrupt our sleep patterns, increase belly fat, and lower libido.

6.Sleeping naked keeps you young! Keeping the temperature around 68-70 degrees allows the anti-aging hormones, melatonin and growth hormone,to function properly. I know being comfortable and cozy at bedtime is important to a lot of people, but a warm sleep environment can prevent the natural cooling process to take place in your body while you sleep.

7. It will give you a self-confidence boost! When you sleep naked, you will learn to be more comfortable with your body. When you learn to be comfortable with yourself, you will be more happy. Not to mention, if you are spending all that time naked you will more than likely want to look your best!

8.It is easier! You will not have to worry about coming home and scrounging around for pajamas, just strip and get comfortable! You also will not have to buy pajamas, and you will have fewer clothes to wash! It really is a win-win situation.

9.Sleeping naked will make you feel happier and freer. Just imagine a world where you are lying in bed naked, you don’t have to worry about pants, underwear, or the dreaded bra! You you and your body sandwiched between two cool sheets!

10.It can help your skin! Your skin will finally get a breather! Your private parts, armpits, and feet are all day restricted and covered by many layers of clothing, even in hot weather. Give your body a chance to air out and breathe. This means a lowered risk for skin diseases like athlete’s foot, that result from wet, restricted skin!

These are the wonderful benefits of sleeping naked. So, ditch the Pajamas and enjoy this empowering nightly freedom. You will feel better, look better, and have a great relationship with your partner.

Courtesy of Everything Organized

Lawyer vs. Insurance Company

Which is the biggest crook?
 

Phones

Funny but sad and so very true… 

When you’re lucky enough to be with your friends and/or family…

PUT DOWN THE FECKING PHONE!

Conversations with Mrs. Donovan

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

 
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

 
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'

They then parted ways.

~~~~~~~~~

Some years later they met again.

The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'


The Father asked, 'And tell me , have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'

 
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer bloody candle.'

Life Advice

20 Crucial Pieces of Life Advice, As Told By People Over 60.  Number 11 Is Essential.
Recently, a question was posed to those over the age of 60. The question was this: “What advice would you give to those who are half your age?” While the question seems simple, the answers may surprise you.
 
1. People always say, “Make sure you get a job doing what you love!” But that isn’t the best advice. The right job is the job you love some days, can tolerate most days, and still pays the bills. Almost nobody has a job they love every day.
 
2. Years go by in the blink of an eye. Don't marry young. Live your life. Go places. Do things. If you have the means or not. Pack a bag and go wherever you can afford to go. While you have no dependents, don't buy stuff. Any stuff. See the world. Look through travel magazines and pick a spot. GO!
 
3. Don’t take life so seriously. Even if things seem dark and hopeless, try to laugh at how ridiculous life is.
 
4. A true friend will come running if you call them at 2am; everyone else is just an acquaintance.
 
5. The most important person in your life is the person who agreed to share their life with you. Treat them as such.
 
6. Children grow up way too fast. Make the most of the time you have with them.
 
7. Nobody ever dies wishing they had worked more… Work hard, but don’t prioritize work over family, friends, or even yourself.
 
8. You might live a long life, or you might live a short one - who knows. But either way, trust me when I say that you’re going to wish you took better care of yourself in your youth.
 
9. If you're getting overwhelmed by life, just return to the immediate present moment and savor all that is beautiful and comforting.Take a deep breath, relax.
 
10. Eat and exercise like you're a diabetic heart patient with a stroke - so you never actually become one.
 
11. We have one time on this earth. Don't wake up and realize that you are 60 years old and haven't done the things you dreamed about.
 
12. Maybe this one isn’t as profound as the others, but I think it’s important… Floss regularly, dental problems are awful.
 
13. Don't take anyone else's advice as gospel. You can ask for advice from someone you respect, then take your situation into consideration and make your own decision. Essentially, take your own advice is my advice…
 
14. Stuff is just stuff. Don’t hold onto material objects, hold onto time and experiences instead.
 
15. The joints you damage today will get their revenge later. Even if you think they've recovered completely. TRUST ME!
 
16. I would say to appreciate the small things and to be present in the moment. What do I mean? Well, it seems today like younger people are all about immediate gratification. Instead, why not appreciate every small moment? We don't get to stay on this crazy/wonderful planet forever and the greatest pleasure can be found in the most mundane of activities. Instead of sending a text, pick up the phone and call someone. Call your mother, have a conversation about nothing in particular. Those are the moments to hold onto.
 
17. Pay your bills and stay the hell out of debt. If I could have paid myself all the money I've paid out in interest over the years, I'd be retired already.
 
18. Jealousy destroys relationships. Trust your significant other, because who else are you supposed to trust?
 
19. If you have a dream of being or doing something that seems impossible, try for it anyway. It will only become more impossible as you age and become responsible for other people.
 
20. When you meet someone for the first time, stop and realize that you really know nothing about them. You see race, gender, age, clothes. Forget it all. You know nothing. Those biased assumptions that pop into your head because of the way your brain likes categories, are limiting your life, and other people's lives.

Courtesy of tickld

A Different Look at 50 Shades

50 Shades of Disney . . . OMG

What if '50 Shades of Grey' starred Disney princesses??

#1 The Little Mermaid
Cosmo put together these mock-ups imagining what it would look like if various Disney princesses were in the '50 Shades of Grey' movie . . . First up is Ariel . . . with legs?
legs?

via http://www.cosmopolitan.com/

 
#2 Pocahontas
John Smith jumping into some BDSM . . . do you remember Pocahontas having that booty?

via http://www.cosmopolitan.com/

 
#3 50 Shades of Frozen
Anna and Kristoff getting frisky on the sink . . . Are we the only ones getting weirded out by this?

via http://www.cosmopolitan.com/

 
#4 Beauty and the Beast . . . and the Whip?
Belle looks like she's into it.

via http://www.cosmopolitan.com/

 
#5 Cinderella
What is Prince Charming planning on doing with those balls? I think we're better off not knowing . . .

via http://www.cosmopolitan.com/

 
#6 Mulan
Mulan submits to Li Shang, and our childhood is ruined.

via http://www.cosmopolitan.com/

 
#7 Jasmine
Jasmine and Aladdin having some fun with an iPod and a blindfold . . . we must have missed this deleted scene.

via http://www.cosmopolitan.com/

 
#8 Sleeping Beauty
We remember Aurora being imprisoned by a bed, but maybe it was a crucifix?

via http://www.cosmopolitan.com/

 
#9 The Princess and the Frog
Who knew the frog was a sadist?

via http://www.cosmopolitan.com/

Courtesy of todaysaweinspiringpictures

Now I dare y’all to watch any of the movies without these images popping up in your mind.

Never Mess With an Engineer!

Why You Should Never Mess With an Engineer.  This Is Priceless.
 
After every flight, FEDEX pilots fill out a form, known as a ‘gripe sheet’ to tell mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics fix the problem, and then document their repairs on the form.
 
Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by the pilots (marked with a ‘P’) and the solutions recorded (marked by an ‘S’) by maintenance engineers, who by the way have a sense if humour:



P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Left inside main tyre almost replaced.
 
P: Test flight OK, auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
 
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
 
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order.
 
P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Can’t reproduce problem on the ground.
 
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
 
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
 
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
 
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
 
P: Suspect crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
 
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
 
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
 
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
 
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed in cockpit.
 
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Courtesy of Viral Slot

New Office Policies

Dress Code:
You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.  If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.  If you dress just right you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
 
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement of proof of sickness.  If you are able to go to the doctor you are able to come to work.
 
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.  They are called Saturdays and Sundays.
 
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work.  There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.  Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the funeral arrangements.  In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.  We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
 
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is spent on the toilet.  There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls.  At the end of the 3 minutes an alarm will sound.  The toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken and will be posted on the company bulletin board.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.  We are here to provide a positive employment experience.  Therefore all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, contemplations, consternations, and input should be directed elsewhere.