Remind You of Anyone?

Wrong Answer

Jock was returning home from the pub, smelling like a distillery.

He flopped on a bus seat next to a priest.  His tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of whiskey was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. Then he asked the priest,


"Father, what causes arthritis?"


"Well my son, it's the result of loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much whiskey and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be damned!" Jock muttered, returning to his paper.


The priest, feeling a little guilty, said, "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. How long have you had arthritis?"


"I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Pope does. 

Oops!

Math Homework

Johnny was doing his math homework and saying:

“2+5, the son of a b*tch is 7”

“3+6, the son of a b*tch is 9”

His Mom: “What are you doing?”

Johnny: “I'm doing math homework.”

Mom: “This is how your teacher taught you?”

Johnny: “Yes”

Infuriated, His Mom asked the teacher the next day…

“What are you teaching my son in math class?”

Teacher: “Right now, we are learning addition.”

Mom: “Your teaching them to say 2+2, the son of a b*tch is 4?”


Teacher after laughing…


“What I taught them was, 2+2, The sum of which is 4.”


Kids!  ROFLMBO

Lipstick in Catholic School

According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night...you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses. 

 
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. 



He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. 

There are teachers...and then there are educators!!!

Love this principal!!             

Stressed...

The Commuters...

After a long and tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.


As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:  "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric.  I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the 6:30 and not the 4:30, but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office.  It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly...


When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,  "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."



Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.


ROFLMBO

Smiles…

   

                   






 Can you smell the bacon too?   











                         

Awww......

                         

A kiss is just a kiss.....

                       

Life  is good!

                       






 Doggy swing.         











                         

All  God's creatures great & small

           

        






 Reach out and touch someone...     









                     
   

I love living on  a Jewish farm!

                          





For the moment, all is right in the world....   







                   

Morning bath

                 




  Room for two (sort of)!

Pssst...give me a chance and I can take you places that you have only dreamt of.        











           

     

Rainbows Of Fall

In Autumn when the leaves turn brown, red and gold, they all fall down.

To paint a picture, oh so rare! I know that GOD is there...



To mastermind His ebb and flow; To stage His wondrous Autumn show,

To brush His skies with molten gold; I watch His art unfold.



No grander sight could I behold: These leaves of brown, red and gold.

But Winter bodes its icy chills upon the snow-clad hills.



In time the land, a living scene, comes bursting forth in savage green;

and I confront the season's thieves that took my Autumn leaves.



But soon a softness in the air! GOD paints a picture,

oh so rare of autumn leaves that all turn brown,

red and gold as they fall down.

~~By Henry W. Gurley.~~








The air turns cool, the leaves turn brown, a change is taking place,

and everywhere the signs appear of fall's approaching face.



The birds begin their southward flight that takes them far away,

and in their plaintive song and cry a fond good-bye they say.



A season dies, a new one's born like night gives way to day.

Such is the wondrous work of God in His own chosen way.

~~By Harold F. Mohn.~~



A stroll through the woods, a mountain hike, a nap on the beach, in such encounters with nature

we often find peace. There's just something about the leaves, rocks, and sand that makes us feel

at home in this great land.

They release us from the humdrum of our busy lives and bring us back to the basics of life.



"Imagine how it will look in Heaven"

Received in a recent email.

Hope you enjoy.

Why Parents Have Gray Hair

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.


Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's cell phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No."


Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."


Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"


Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," the whisper answered.


Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter." answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."


Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"


Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle. "ME!!!!”

Bad Attitude…

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.


Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total silence.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask, what did the turkey do?"

 
Have a great weekend!