Facebook

You Might Want To Know Why Those Girls Are The Dumbest On Facebook!
Facebook is home to the coolest, greatest, and funniest people from all over the world.  It is where you can find girls going toe-to-toe with boys in any topics under the sun.  But the most fun are those girls who are the dumbest you could ever found on Facebook!

 

1. Alaska can be found in US map? Oh dear!

Source: www.lifebuzz.com

 

2. Can one get immunity from Ebola exposure? Just asking!

Source: www.lifebuzz.com

 

3. Dumb girls only count the days huh!

Source: www.reddit.com

 

4. Only dumb girls would kiss a puppy's privates! Eeewww!

Source: www.lifebuzz.com

 

5. Wish I could unread that Halloween post!

Source: www.lifebuzz.com

 

6. Then there would not be buttons left in the elevator if that will happen!

Source: www.smosh.com

 

7. Kasey is the Queen of the dumb girls I say!

Source: www.lifebuzz.com

 

8. Dumb girls can't tell a cat from a sloth. Uh-oh!

Source: www.buzzfeed.com

 

9. Only dumb girls will think Psy singing in German instead of Korean!

Source: www.smosh.com

 

10. Claudia was too "DC" to learn that Washington is the capital of America.

Source: www.buzzfeed.com

 

11. Dumb girls will interpret a picture differently.

Source: izismile.com

 

12. Where do you expect a guy to put his tongue next Emilia?

Source: izismile.com

 

13. A girl will be delivering her baby after that then!

Source: www.ebaumsworld.com

 

14. Yeah! Crazy to have given you life!

Source: www.ebaumsworld.com

 

15. A guy could end up dead after eating that!

Source: www.ebaumsworld.com

 

16. Holly needs to focus on her world history lessons!

Source: www.ebaumsworld.com

 

17. The girl is too dumb to recognize a corkscrew when she sees one!

Source: blazepress.com

 

18. Another girl who does not know America that well!

Source: blazepress.com

 

19. Serena can get you more and more confused with her posts!

Source: blazepress.com

 

20. Maybe she's talking about herself!

Source: blazepress.com

Courtesy of ViraLands

Diaries

This Is The Greatest Diary Comparison Ever. Who Says Cats Are Evil?

 If you can't view the video, click here to view it over at YouTube.

Have you ever thought about what your dog and cat would write if they had a diary?  Well here it is!

Dog Diary:

8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm – Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Cat Diary:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.  They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.  Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.  In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.  Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.  I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities.  However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am.  Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.  I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.  However, I could hear the noises and smell the food.  I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.”  I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.  I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges.  He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return.  He is obviously retarded.  The bird must be an informant.  I observe him communicate with the guards regularly.  I am certain that he reports my every move.  My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.  For now…

Courtesy of Sun Gazing

The Recruiter

This Explains Recruitment Perfectly. It’s So True It Hurts.



One day while walking downtown, a Human Resources woman was hit by a bus and was tragically killed. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
 
“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had an HR manager make it this far and we’re really not sure what to do with you.”
 
“No problem, just let me in,” said the woman.
 
“Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in,” the Saint replied.
 
“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind… I prefer to stay in Heaven.”
 
“Sorry, we have our rules…”
 
And with that St. Peter put the HR manager in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell.
 
The doors opened and the HR manager found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.
In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow HR professionals that she had worked with. They were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.
The HR manager was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
 
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for her.
 
“Now it’s time to spend a day in Heaven” he said.
So the HR manager spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing.
She had a great time and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
 
“So, you’ve spent a day in Hell and you’ve spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” he said.
The HR manager paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this. I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.”
So, St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the HR manager went down-down-down back to Hell.
 
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.
She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks for the evening meal.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her and laughed at her.
“I don’t understand,” stammered the HR manager. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”
 
The Devil looked at her and grinned: “That’s because yesterday we were recruiting you… but today you’re staff.”

Sound familar to anyone?  

Hello, Operator

Actual call center conversations!


 
Customer: ‘I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: ‘It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 
Samsung Electronics
Caller: ‘Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: ‘I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: ‘On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?’
Operator: 'Does the policy name give you a clue?'
 
**********
 
Caller (inquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe)
'If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 
Directory Inquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
 
**********
 
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: ‘Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: ‘Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland.'
 
**********
 
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: ‘I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'

********** 

Conning the Cowboy

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California, when suddenly a brand new Porsche advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
 
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban  sunglasses, and a YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
 
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”
 
 
The yuppie parks his car and whips out his iPhone, which is connected to a NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra high-resolution photo.

The young man opens the photo in Adobe Photoshop, then exports the photo to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives the data through the phone.
 
Finally, he prints out a full color, 150 page report and turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

 
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

 
Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
 
The young man thinks about it for a second, then says, “Okay, why not?”
 
“You’re a congressman for the US Government,” Bud answers.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie. “But how did you guess that?”
 
“No guessing required,” answers the cowboy.
“You showed up here even though nobody called you.
You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are.
You don’t know a thing about how working people make a living — or about cows for that matter.
This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog!”

Courtesy of ViralSlot

Want Some Answers Do Ya?

I know, I know…very late in answering…sorry ‘bout that but finally got answers for ya!

Oh ya didn’t ask this one huh?  Well, consider it a freebie.
 
Minelle
Hmmmmmm question huh? Okay what is the naughtiest prank you ever played on someone?

Not sure this is the naughtiest prank but it is funny…When my ex and I were first married, we lived in the city.  Our front yard was fenced and I saw a rabbit running around the yard.  Convinced my ex to go after it with a broom since he couldn’t shoot his rifle in city limits and we didn’t have an air rifle at the time.  If was after dark and summer so he went after it in his undershorts.  When he tried to come back in, without the rabbit (wish I had a video of him chasing the rabbit with the broom ), I locked the front door and turned the porch light on.  Yes, I did pay for that stunt but it was so worth it.  
 

Anonymous
My question for you: You were married and have children but you seem to be friends with some of the gay authors so have you turned gay?

Am gonna assume this is a serious question and will answer it as such…sorta.
I am proudly friends with all types of people…gay, straight, bisexual, male, female, trans, Black, White, Asian, as well as Glitterbugs who are Pink with Purple Polka Dots…oh and don’t forget a One-Eyed, One-Horned, Flying Purple People Eater.  That does not mean I will “turn” any or all of those that I’m not already.  Oh just in case it is that important to you…for the record, I am a straight female. 
 

DelFonte
Where do you find your jokes and pictures, do you have a library if them?

I can’t begin to tell you everywhere I receive and/or find jokes…on Facebook, I follow several funny sites, several inspirational sites and of course, friends send lots of warped jokes to me.     Yes, I do have several libraries…jokes, inspirational, naughty, different holidays, etc.  I really need to clean them up and sort them better so that I can find things easier.  Maybe one of these days…
 

Jan (an English Rose) 
Hi Cat, I actually want to know the same thing as DF! Also where is the one place you have never been and would love to?

First question…See my answer to DF above. 
Second question…I can’t pick just one place…way too many places I would love to visit…including coming to visit you and Ami.  
 

Roz
Do you have grandchildren, if so how many?

Yes, I have two adorable granddaughters.

If you could vacation anywhere, where would it be (my fav question to everyone;:)

Can’t really give you one location…have too many places I would love to visit.  Would love to take a cruise around the world…how awesome would that be!

Who is someone you admire, and why?

There are so many to choose from! You didn’t say living or dead so…
I really admired Katherine Hepburn…she was such a unique individual who made her own choices, not caring what people said and stood by them. 

 
Ni Na
How do you spend your spare time?

I love to paint as well as read and play with my cats. In the summer, I make and can relish and I love to attend auctions.

What do you feel most proud of in your life?

I am so very proud of my children and granddaughters…they are my greatest joy.

What is most important for you in a friendship?

To me, a true friend has to be trustworthy, honest, loyal as well as be there for you in the bad times as well as the good. 

 
ronnie
I'm asking the question asked me - What four people (and their spouse/partner), living or dead, would you invite for an evening of drinks and dinner?

I would love to have John Wayne and his wife, Theodore and Eleanor Roosevelt, John and Jackie Kennedy, and Katherine Hepburn who could bring Spencer Tracy as her dinner partner. 

What book are you currently reading?

I’m rereading Mercedes Lackey ‘Diana Tregard Investigation’ series.  Totally love to go back a reread books…especially series.  When I get done, I’m going to reread JD Robb’s ‘Eve Dallas’ series…think there’s about 35 or so of them.

What was your favourite subject as school?

This is an easy one…absolutely loved any and all art classes.
 

Christina
Money and time are not an option and you have access to a private jet. Where would you ask the pilot to fly you to?

All over the world!  Where wouldn’t I travel!

Someone comes to visit you. What would you cook or where would you suggest as a place to eat out?

Depends on how many are coming, the time of year and what food allergies everyone has.  I might fix my Caribbean Chicken and Sweet Potato soup, or Chicken and Homemade Noodles, Tex Mex, or just good ole country cookin’. Friends could always look at some of the recipes I’ve shared and request something.   We also have several good restaurants in town or we could go up to a wonderful buffet at one of our local casinos! 

Do you regret anything I bbc.co life that you would go back and change if you could? What would it be?

Hindsight is 20/20 and we can always say…oh if I could only go back and change this, that or the other but then I stop and think…if I were to go back and change anything in my life, chances are, I would not have my children and I probably would not be the person I am now.  And even though I still have improvements I need to make to myself, I basically like me.

Clara
What hobbies (besides collecting jokes) do you enjoy?

My absolutely favorite hobby is painting and would be such a happy camper if I could support myself with them.  I also love reading…all kinds of books!

What's your favorite flower?

I don’t have just one favorite…but if I had to choose, I guess it would be tulips.

And now you say…sheesh!  This is what we waited for?

Now…I know that March is traditionally Q&A month but know that you can ask me anything, anytime.  No guarantees I will answer but you can ask.  Just put a question in your comment, or email me or use the ‘Contact’ form in the sidebar.

Lubricant

Here’s another joke courtesy of our darlin’ Ami over at Ami's Starsong. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

 

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son!

'Ain't dat grand!!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet,!’

 

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, ‘Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter!!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too.'

 

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet!'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy!'

 

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said, ‘You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

 

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'

She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

 

Murph said,'I'll tell you, it's a f*kin' good ting we didn’t use WD-40!

Labor

Charlie's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the midwife was called out to assist in the delivery.
 
Since there was no electricity, the midwife handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing."
 
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
   
 
Whoa there, said the midwife, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming."
 
 

Sure enough, within minutes she had delivered a baby girl.






"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" said the midwife.
 

Within a few minutes she had delivered a third baby. 

 

"No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" Said the midwife.
 
 
Charlie scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the midwife, "Do you think it might be the light that's attracting them?" 

Taxi Confession

 
A cabbie picks up a nun.  She gets into the cab, and notices that the extremely handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.


She asks him why he is staring.


He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”


“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
First, you have to be single and
Second, you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”


“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.


But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”


“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned.  I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”


The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

Irish Viagra

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
 
“What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor.

“Not a chance”, she said... “He won't even take an aspirin.”

“Not a problem,” replied the doctor. “Give him an Irish Viagra.”

“What is Irish Viagra?” she asked.

“It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”

 
It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

 
The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!  T'was horrid!  Just terrible, doctor!”

“Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.

“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.  He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye.  With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!  T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”

 
“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor, “Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?”

 
“Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years!  But sure as I'm sittin' here...

...

...

...

...

I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”