Friday, February 10, 2017
Thursday, February 9, 2017
Gym Advice for a Senior
Meredith's Jack, is at it again! 😃
I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in.
I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?
The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."
I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in.
I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?
The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."
Wednesday, February 8, 2017
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
The Sermon
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon he
asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial; but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand.
The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
It took over ten minutes for the congregation to quit laughing...👏 😭
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial; but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand.
The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
It took over ten minutes for the congregation to quit laughing...👏 😭
Monday, February 6, 2017
Golfing Partners
Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen.
St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don't hit the ducks during your first three months here.
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, "The ducks?"
"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they're all quacking to beat the band.
It really breaks the tranquility, and If you hit one of the ducks, you'll be punished, Otherwise everything is yours to enjoy. ”
Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere.
Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon here was a deafening roar of duck quacks.
St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, "Who hit the duck?”
The guy who had done it admitted, "I did. ”
St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks,", he said. Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity. ”
The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did.
The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.
He cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said; "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity. ”
The third man was extremely careful.
Some days he wouldn't even play for fear of even nudging a duck.
After three months, he still hadn't hit a duck.
St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman - the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.
St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud, "I wonder what I did to deserve this?
The woman responds, "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."
St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don't hit the ducks during your first three months here.
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, "The ducks?"
"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they're all quacking to beat the band.
It really breaks the tranquility, and If you hit one of the ducks, you'll be punished, Otherwise everything is yours to enjoy. ”
Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere.
Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon here was a deafening roar of duck quacks.
St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, "Who hit the duck?”
The guy who had done it admitted, "I did. ”
St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks,", he said. Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity. ”
The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did.
The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.
He cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said; "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity. ”
The third man was extremely careful.
Some days he wouldn't even play for fear of even nudging a duck.
After three months, he still hadn't hit a duck.
St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman - the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.
St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud, "I wonder what I did to deserve this?
The woman responds, "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."
Sunday, February 5, 2017
The Conversation
This a conversation between a husband and wife. Please note that she asks
five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless
after answering only one question.
l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there:
Wife: Do you drink beer?
Husband: Yes
Wife: How many beers a day?
Husband: Usually about three.
Wife: How much do you pay per beer?
Husband: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)
Wife: And how long have you been drinking?
Husband: About 20 years, I suppose.
Wife: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Husband: Correct
Wife: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Husband: Correct
Wife: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?
Husband: Do you drink beer?
Wife: No
Husband: Where is your airplane?
Wife:
Wondering if this husband is still alive and in one piece! 😭
l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there:
Wife: Do you drink beer?
Husband: Yes
Wife: How many beers a day?
Husband: Usually about three.
Wife: How much do you pay per beer?
Husband: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)
Wife: And how long have you been drinking?
Husband: About 20 years, I suppose.
Wife: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Husband: Correct
Wife: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Husband: Correct
Wife: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?
Husband: Do you drink beer?
Wife: No
Husband: Where is your airplane?
Wife:
Wondering if this husband is still alive and in one piece! 😭
Saturday, February 4, 2017
Rough Day
The carpenter I hired to help me restore an old farmhouse had just finished a
rough first day on the job. A flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his
electric saw quit, and now his ancient pickup truck refused to start. While I
drove him home, he sat in stony silence.
On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.
Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.
“Oh, that’s my trouble tree,” he replied.” I know I can’t help having troubles on the job, but one thing’s for sure, troubles don’t belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again.”
He paused. “Funny thing is,” he smiled, “when I come out in the morning to pick ‘em up, there ain’t nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before.”
On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.
Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.
“Oh, that’s my trouble tree,” he replied.” I know I can’t help having troubles on the job, but one thing’s for sure, troubles don’t belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again.”
He paused. “Funny thing is,” he smiled, “when I come out in the morning to pick ‘em up, there ain’t nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before.”
Courtesty of ViralSlot
Friday, February 3, 2017
Farmer John
Farmer John once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.
So, Farmer John called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.
"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said:
Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"
So again, they put up a new sign:
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and said, "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
In order to get Farmer John off his back said "Sure. Put up your own sign.
The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John, “How’s the problem with the speeding drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.
The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down.
So he drove out to Farmer John's house.
His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
So, Farmer John called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.
"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said:
SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"
So again, they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and said, "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
In order to get Farmer John off his back said "Sure. Put up your own sign.
The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John, “How’s the problem with the speeding drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.
The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down.
So he drove out to Farmer John's house.
His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
NUDIST COLONY
Slow down and watch out for chicks!
Thursday, February 2, 2017
Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives
1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave things on the floor.
4. Dogs' parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you interesting when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell them.
11. When you drop a silent one, they enjoy the aroma and don't run around frantically with room spray.
12. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit pondering why you don't lick them.
13. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on, without calling you a pervert.
14. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.
And last, but not least:
15. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave things on the floor.
4. Dogs' parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you interesting when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell them.
11. When you drop a silent one, they enjoy the aroma and don't run around frantically with room spray.
12. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit pondering why you don't lick them.
13. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on, without calling you a pervert.
14. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.
And last, but not least:
15. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.
Wednesday, February 1, 2017
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