New Car?

Received the following from our own Sunny from Aimless Ramblings and Leigh Smith…just had to share!

 

This man owned & drove the same car for…

82 YEARS!

 

 
Can you imagine even having the same car for 82 years?  I thought I was doing good with the same car for a bit over 15 years!
 
 
Mr. Allen Swift ( Springfield, MA ) received this 1928 Rolls-Royce Piccadilly-P1 Roadster from his father, brand new - as a graduation gift in 1928.
 
He drove it up until his death last year…at the age of 102!!!
 
He was the oldest living owner of a car that was purchased new.
 
Just thought you'd like to see it.
 
It was donated to a Springfield museum after his death.
 
It has 1,070,000 miles on it, still runs like a Swiss watch, dead silent at any speed and is in perfect cosmetic condition (82 years). That's approximately 13,048 miles per year (1087 per month).
 
1,070,000 miles, not kilometers!!
 
Wow!

The Physical

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
 
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
 
 
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
 
 
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
 
"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.  Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.  Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.  She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.  We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
 
 
The doctor was shocked!  "You asked your neighbor??"
 
 
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Customs

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
 
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
 
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.  Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me?  Under your robes perhaps?"
 
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
 
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

 
 
 
When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.
 
The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
 
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

 
 
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

 
 
 
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
 
 
 
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."   

Get in Line

A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. 


One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.  


The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk.  Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma.  


The young girl was frantic. 


Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" 


Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. 



"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. 
 
 
A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes.  When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old...how do you do it?" 
 
 
 
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny...I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

Golf Game

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.


The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.


But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.


She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside.


She began to massage him.


She then asked him, "How does that feel?"



To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb  still hurts like hell."   

Strange Noises

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.  
 
 
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. 
 
 
"What are you doing?" he says. 
 
 
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

 
  
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says  "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"


The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.



Sure enough...there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.


"You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, scaring the kids!"

Yup…definitely a blonde moment or two!    

Awkward Shadows

When You See It!

WTF shadow

WTF shadow 2

Cup Size?

Very Clean

Perv!

Shower Time!

Courtesy of Randomly Funny Stuff

A Raise!

Here’s an oldie but a goodie…hope you enjoy!
 

 

Paul walks into the boss’s office.
 

“Sir, let me get straight to the point, I know the economy is really down, but I have a couple of companies after me, and I would like to ask for a raise.”


 
After a few minutes of haggling between them, the boss finally agrees to a 10% raise, and Paul gets up to leave happily.
 


“One minute”, says the boss to Paul,
“Which companies are after you, by the way?”


 
“The gas company, cable company, and phone company”, Paul replied!   

Playtime!

Another good reason to lock the door and make sure no one else has a key!    

Here's the YouTube link if you can't get the video to play:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-_503Jf0L8  

And just what would you do if you were the ones playing?  How about if you were the ones walking in?  LOL

11 Things to Remember…

Starting the week on a positive note…

11 Things to Remember When You Think You're Not Good Enough

Some days turn out better or worse than others – that’s a fact. But ultimately, the way we feel about our life and ourselves has the biggest impact on the outcome of each day.  Happiness and confidence can create outcomes that exceed our expectations, like a continual ray of sunshine even on a cloudy day.

But, when we are down on ourselves, especially when we think we are not good enough, life can easily and quickly take a turn for the worse.  We can unexpectedly find ourselves entrenched in a deep, dark hole. When we repeatedly allow ourselves feel this way for days, weeks or even months at a time, it can have detrimental effects on our happiness, health, relationships, and careers.

That’s why it’s best to prevent a self-esteem slide. Sometimes the smallest bit of inspiration can help us turn things around when we feel we are not good enough.

Here is a quick list of 11 things to remember when you think you’re not good enough. Save this for yourself, you never know when you may need it and share it with others. Let’s put an end to the false reality of the negative belief, “you’re not good enough”!

1. Life is about progress, not perfection. Strive for excellence!

Life is perfectly imperfect. Striving for perfection is not necessarily a bad thing – it makes you reach higher and work harder. However, it’s a goal that can be rather unattainable and you will always be working on being “perfect”. This may leave you feeling like you are “not good enough”, especially in a world where the race toward “perfectionism” usually involves losing who you truly are to emulate what others think you should be.

Instead, strive for excellence. Excellence is far superior and you can create the level of personal excellence that works for you and where you are.  Most of us are juggling so many tasks in so many areas that we cannot possibly perfect in every area and still be happy, but we attain excellence and it’s far more rewarding!

2. What you do right NOW can create a better outcome.

Nothing is written in stone, unless it’s in the past. Even then we can change the way we perceive it. We can’t truly predict the future, because it’s ever changing based on what we do right now.

The best way to move forward is to be present and put our full focus on the now in a positive manner. When we feel good about the things that are going well and display gratitude for what we have we allow for more of those good things to come to us.

The same is true when we focus on negative, however, positive thinking is much more powerful and reigns supreme. In fact, some say it is 1000x stronger. So, no matter what happened,, be grateful you are still here to correct it and move forward. Take this time, even if it’s an eensy-weensy minute, and take a deep breath, focus on the good and allow yourself the ability to help create a better outcome.

3. Positive thinking is your birthright.

No matter what situation you are in, positive thinking can and will always come to your rescue if you allow it. The power of positivity is a gift to us from divine energy. Divine energy is nothing BUT positive energy.

If you want things to turn around for your highest good you must keep your faith, release fear, and keep your focus on solutions. Positive thinking is your birthright. It can always improve any situation, no matter how dire it may appear.

4. There is more RIGHT with you than wrong with you.

Even during your struggles, don’t forget to focus on your strengths. Too often our culture looks at each other’s “weaknesses” and wants to put focus on improving them. While having a balanced mind, body and soul is important some of our weaknesses exist to balance some of our greatest strengths.

When we switch our focus to what is right about ourselves, we could probably write down a long list. In fact, if you need to do that exercise, do it! Focus on your strengths and what you do well. In the areas that you could improve, be reasonable with yourself and if it’s an area you truly believe you need to improve create action steps to do so. Either way, there IS more right with you than wrong with you.

5. Everyone makes mistakes!

The positive perspective and the real truth about mistakes are that they are an opportunity to teach us something and allow us to grow.  At times they can also point out our weaknesses so that we can grow stronger in that area. We are students here and mistakes are evidence we are trying and doing the best we can.

When we continually learn and grow from our mistakes we begin to see bigger success in our life, more fulfillment and true and lasting happiness. Success takes work and mistakes are part of that.

6. Remember you are exactly where you need to be right now.

It may not seem like it, but the entire Universe has orchestrated itself to create your life where it is right now.  It may not be where you want to be right now, but sometimes you have to go through a bit of bramble to get to the clover field.

So when you feel like you’ve failed or that you’ll never reach your goals, remind yourself that the Universe didn’t say no, it just said not yet. Continually remind yourself that you are in the perfect place right now, and continue moving forward in faith.

7. Be kind and gentle with yourself. You’re doing the best you can.

You don’t have to beat yourself up over not “getting there” fast enough, or as fast as the people you wish to be like. As long as you can come away at the end of the day knowing you gave it your all, that’s all anyone can truly do.  Your light is shining, no matter how small the flame.  Even if your flame is the smallest in the world, it will still cut through the darkest night.

You could even think of a flower garden.  Each flower blooms at it’s own pace and shows it’s unique beauty as it does so.  Continue reaching for the light, allowing yourself to be nurtured.  Much like the flower, your life will come into bloom as well.

8. You deserve your own unconditional love and forgiveness.

“Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.”- Max Ehrmann

Begrudging yourself or holding on to negative thoughts about yourself will not bring you justice – the grief and pain will only end up affecting you.

Let go of the bitterness and resentment towards yourself or your situation. Let go of the negative feelings and remove the focus and attention to the unwanted. Forgiving yourself for making a mistake and allowing yourself to “love YOU no matter what” is wonderful. It will lead you to even more positive feelings of understanding, compassion and empathy, allowing you to grow into a better experience.

9. There’s always a solution, keep looking!

Sometimes you might feel like you’ve reached the end of the road. Lucky for you, there’s always a small dirt path called faith that you can continue to follow when times get tough.

Follow a path of positive faith and just watch new solutions appear. It may be a simple solution, and it may only be a part of the solution that you need to put together. The puzzle pieces are always there – it’s up to you to put the picture in place.

10. The only comparing and competing you should be doing is with yourself.

As mentioned multiple times throughout this article, there’s no need to try to compete or catch up with those who are in your field.  Be the best version of YOU.  Be the change you want to see in YOURSELF.  Allow the future vision of YOU to be your hero.

11. You can’t always change things, but you can ALWAYS change the way you look at things.

The present moment was created as a collective manifestation of your past thoughts, words and actions.  Sometimes, this can be so tough that you may feel like you’re not good enough to get through it, and if you’re reflecting on the reality that you’ve created, it may even make you feel like you’re not good enough to handle your co-creative ability.

The bottom line is that times can get tough – but there’s nothing wrong with believing you’re tougher.  Because when you believe you ARE good enough to create the life you desire, and you believe that YOU ARE good enough to make it through any situation.  When this happens, the way you look at things suddenly change, and before you know it, your reality positively changes with it.

Now, who was it that said you’re not good enough?

Courtesy of powerofpositivity.com