The Gambler and the Auditor

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. 

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
 
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
 
I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’
 
I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
 

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’
 
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
 
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
 
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
 
The auditor’s jaw drops.
 


Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
 
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
 
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
 
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness.  He starts to get nervous.
 


‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
 
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
 
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
 
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
 

But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
 
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
 
 

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you’d be happy about it.’



Grandpa is definitely a gambler!

Fly Hunting

QUICK UPDATE:

Hey Y'all...I apologize for not answering all the emails and messages you have sent.

I'm ok and so is my mom...just been an extremely bad week.  

Will try to get an update posted this weekend.

 Thank you so much for all the prayers and healing energy coming in...would hate to think where I'd be without all of it! 

What Can I Handle?

Grandpa and Grandma

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
 
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
 
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
 
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
 
"$10. a pill," answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning,

I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.

He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.


"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

 

Courtesy of Raz Erel

 

In Court

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
 
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.  The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility…
 
Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
 
A: 'No sir.  But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
 
Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'
 
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
 
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.  Do you trust your fellow officers?'
 
A: 'Yes, sir.  With my life.'
 
Q: 'With your life?  Let me ask you this then officer.  Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
 
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
 
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
 
A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'
 
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
 
A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

Courtesy of  Freedom Barbie

ROFLMBO!    

Life’s Small Joys

Date Night

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.  Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard.  

When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs.  

Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother.  

A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out!  She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time.  But it worked!  I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard...she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."

 
The silence in the taxi was deafening...

Courtesy of Robyn Long 

 

ROFLMBO!!!   

 

Message for the Day

Yup, think I’ll just stay home… 

Father of One of My Kids

A man walk into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman staring at him.

She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asked,  "Do I know you?"

The woman answers,  "I think you’re the father of one of my kids".

The man thinks for a minute then realizes this kid she is talking about must be the result of the one and only time he ever cheated on his wife.

So he says to the woman, "Are you the stripper that was at my best friends bachelor party about 5 years ago?"  "You know, the one I had sex with on the pool table?"

The woman looks at him horrified and says, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Oops!

Marriage Counseling

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling.
 
When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
 
“What seems to be the problem?” he asked.
 
The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
 
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
 
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!”
 
The husband scratched his head and replied…
 
“I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.”
 
 
Oops!  Think that’s what the counselor meant?     

How many think the husband should just pick her up and put her OTK!