Pocket Tazer Stun Gun

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
 
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. 

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??  WAY TOO COOL! 

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home...I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.  

Nothing!  I was disappointed.  

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. 

AWESOME!!! 

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it.  She is such a sweet cat.  But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.


I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid'...reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad…I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...HOLY MOTHER OF GOD.  WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION.  WHAT THE...!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! 

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!  You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Courtesy of Laugh in the face of EVERYTHING

ROFLMBO!!!!!     

Say What?

 

 

My pets aren't allowed to smoke.  

What about yours? 















Ack! I can’t change in the shower? 










 






What if I don’t want to touch your managers?
 










 
 




Wow…very talented pets!  Wish I could get mine to move things around my house.










 







 Whoa!  Don't think I'll be trespassing there!
 












 






 Got a mop handy? 
















No thanks, I would prefer your staff keep their hands to themselves.








 ROFLMBO!

Cat Baths!

 







I thought you loved me!






 





 




You just wait…I'll get even with you for this...
 
 
 
 





 
 
 



You SAID the water was warm!!!!
 
 
 
 
 

 
 






 


I don't like you anymore...
 
 
 
 

 




 

 


I'm gonna sit here until you get the towel…now GO!
 
 
 
 
 



 

 




You're squeezing too tight...look at my eyes...they say ‘tilt’!
 
 
 
 
 

 
 



 



No, I am NOT your good kitty!
 
 
 
 

 





 



What's wrong with you people?  This is cruel...and...WET!
 
 
 
 
 


 
 
 
 




Why can't I get any traction?






 
 





 


I wish I could get on my knees to pray.
 
 
 
 
 



 

 
 

“No, no, no, no! I SAID NO!"
 
 
 
 
 


ROFLMBO

What Did You Say?

 

Hey y'all...if you want to leave a comment, you will now have to be a registered user of one of the following: 

 

The reason for this is not because of any of the nonsense going on around blog land at the moment but because when I logged in to my email account, out of the 147 emails, 79 were from 'Anonymous' spammers.  Yes, the blogger spammer did catch most of them but I still receive the email.  With everything else I have going on, that's just too many emails to wade through to get to the legitimate ones from friends.

This should not be a problem but if anyone has trouble leaving a comment, please email me and we can work to resolve the issue.  

Thanks for your understanding,
Cat  
 

Test for Membership

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.


The minister said that they would have to go without making love for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.


The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.


Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.


The retired couple said it was no problem at all.


The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.


The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

“Can of PAINT!” exclaimed the minister.

“Yeah,” said the newlywed man. “She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.”


The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.


“That’s okay,” said the man. “We’re no longer welcome in Home Depot either.



Don't think I would want to be a member of that church anyway! LOL

Who Needs a Doctor

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00.
 
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
 
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
 
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow.  Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.  It will be better in two weeks...
 
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
 
He decided to give it a try.
 
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
 
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
 
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.
 

Growing Up Without a Cell Phone

If you are 36, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!


1. I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2. There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3. Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4. There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5. Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6. We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7. There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8. And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9. We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10. You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11. There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

12. And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

13. And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

14. And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd