Insults for Any Occasion

20 Extremely Well-Mannered Insults to Use on Your Worst Enemy. 
 
1. May the chocolate chips in your cookies always turn out to be raisins.
 
2. May every sock you wear be slightly rotated, just enough for it to be uncomfortable.
 
3. May your mother come to talk to you, and then leave your door slightly ajar, so that you have to get up and close it.
 
4. May your article load that extra little bit as you're about to click a link so you click an ad instead.
 
5. May both sides of your pillow be warm.
 
6. May you forever feel your cellphone vibrating in the pocket it's not even in.
 
7. May you always get up from your computer with your headphones still attached.
 
8. May your life be as pleasant as you are.
 
9. May your chair produce a sound similar to a fart, but only once, such that you cannot reproduce it to prove that it was just the chair.
 
10. May your five year old neighbor have their violin lessons during all of your hangovers.
 
11. May you have your laptop charge all night without noticing the chord isn't plugged in the wall.
 
12. May your return calls always go unanswered, even though you literally just f*cking called me, Kyle.
 
13. May you always step in a wet spot after putting on fresh socks.
 
14. May your tea be too hot when you receive it, and too cold by the time you remember it's there.
 
15. May your cookie always be slightly too large to fit inside your glass of milk.
 
16. May the pin of the bathroom stall never reach the lock to close the door.
 
17. May all your Facebook invites be game invites.
 
18. May you never be quite certain whether that pressure is a fart or poop.
 
19. May your spoon always slip and sink under the hot soup you eat.
 
20. May you never remember these curses when you try to.

 

Source

Courtesy of tickld

Helpful hints for those of you having to deal with unpleasantness over the holiday season.