Disorder in the Court

The following are some excerpts from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.  These poor court reports suffered the ordeal of remaining composed while  recording the following exchanges:
 

   
Question: How far from the accident were you when it happened?
Answer: He replied "36 feet, 2 and a quarter inches"
Question: Nonsense.  How can you be so precise?  
Answer: Well I knew some bloody fool would ask me so I measured it.
 
 
Question: What is your date of birth?
Answer: July fifteenth.
Question: What year?
Answer: Every year.
 
 
Question: Could you see him from where you were standing?
Answer: I could see his head.
Question: And where was his head?
Answer: Just above his shoulders.
 
 
Question: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
Answer: The victim lived.
 
 
Question: How old is your son - the one living with you.
Answer: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Question: How long has he lived with you?
Answer: Forty-five years.
 
 
Question: And where was the location of the accident?
Answer: Approximately milepost 499.
Question: And where is milepost 499?
Answer: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
 
 
Question: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Answer: Yes.
Question: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
Answer: Yes, sir.
Question: What did she say?
Answer: What disco am I at?
 
 
Question: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
Answer: That's me.
Question: Were you present when that picture was taken?
 
 
Question: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
 
 
Question: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
Answer: I'll be three months on November 8.
Question: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
Answer: Yes.
Question: What were you doing at that time?
 
 
Question: How many times have you committed suicide?
Answer: Four times.
 
 
Question: Did he kill you?
 
 
Question: You don't know what it was and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
 
 
Question: Have you lived in this town all your life?
Answer: Not yet.
 
 
Question: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
 
 
Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
 
 
Question: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
Answer: I refuse to answer that question.
Question: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
Answer: I refuse to answer that question.
Question: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
Answer: No.
 
 
Question: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
Answer: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
 
 
Question: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
Answer: Yes sir.
Question: Before or after he died?
 
 
Question: And you check your radar unit frequently?
Officer-Answer:  "Yes, I do."
Question: And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?
Answer: Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly.
 
 
Question: What happened then?
Answer: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Question: Did he kill you?
Answer: No.
 
 
Question: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--
Answer: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.
 

Question: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
 
 
Question: So you were gone until you returned?
 
 
Question: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Answer: Yes.
Question: And these stairs, did they go up also?
 
 
Question: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Answer: No.
Question: Did you check for blood pressure?
Answer: No.
Question: Did you check for breathing?
Answer: No.
Question: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Answer: No.
Question: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Answer: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Question: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Answer: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
 
 
Question: You were not shot in the fracas?
Answer: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
 
 
Question: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
Answer: There were traces of semen.
Question: Male semen?
Answer: That's the only kind I know of.
 
 
Question: So, after the anesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
Answer: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Question: It was covered?
Answer: Yes. Bandaged.
Question: Then, later on, what did you see?
Answer: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.


 

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed.
Question: How far away he was from the accident.
Answer: The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."
Question: What? How come you are so sure of that distance?
Answer: Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!